Just under two weeks ago, we said goodbye to our beloved Tigger, our 16 year old dog who had been with us through so much. It was incredibly difficult and the grief, like all grief experiences after loss, has taken it's own unique shape. We hear whispers of him at night and see his shadow around the house in the day. The goodbye was both painful and beautiful. We gave him the most comfortable final days a dog could ask for. We planned his departure so that he did not suffer, saying goodbye on the back porch where he loved to lay in the sun, and cried endless tears leading up to, during and after his passing.. 

When we lost Linden, we chose to adapt to a new life where we could still find joy and love amidst deep grief. Which made us better about saying goodbye to Tig. He was such an integral part of our lives. So much so that Nick never knew and Emily without a Tig. We have friends that never knew us before Tig. He was a family member more than a pet and we knew his loss would be incredibly hard. But, we knew from Linden that we could survive deep grief and we could continue to love him as deeply even when he is not here. We learned from Linden that we can find gratitude in our loss even if we wish it never happened. 

Anderson Cooper started an amazing podcast about grief, "All There Is." One episodes in the series is an interview with Stephen Colbert, who lost his father and two brothers in a plane crash when he was young. During the interview, he says of his life after loss...."I had a gratitude for the pain of that grief. It doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't make the grief less profound in some ways. It makes it more profound because it allows you to look at it. It allows you to examine your grief in a way that it is not, like holding up red hot amber in your hands, but rather seeing that pain as something that can warm you and light your knowledge of what other people might be going through." We encourage you to listen to this beautiful episode in its entirety:  https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper/episodes/ae2f9ebb-1bc6-4d47-b0f0-af17008dcd0c.

This has been our experience with Linden and it has made us so much stronger saying goodbye to both dogs (Mila 4/2023 and Tig 2/2024). We were able to make the decision to say goodbye so that we could reduce their suffering even though we wanted them to stay with us as long as possible. We have been able to appreciate and love the things we can do now that they are gone while also missing them beyond words.

Lastly, the gratitude for grief has made us better parents to Aster. We can love her without reservation even though it might not have happened if Linden had lived.  We can smile and laugh with Aster while simultaneously crying the tears of sorrow over the absence of her older sister. We find beauty in telling Aster bedtime stories of adventures she goes on with her sister. "Once upon a time there were two sisters. Their names were Aster and Linden. Aster had blue eyes and Linden had grey eyes. And they loved to go on adventures together....." We have the courage, when asked if Aster is our first child, to answer truthfully - that she has an older sister who was stillborn.  It's not a journey we asked for but it's the one we are on. It's ours and  we are grateful to have it than to have never known Linden.