Lillian’s Story

Site created on March 30, 2020

PLEASE READ and share if you are willing:

If you would be willing to share something of how Lillian touched your life, as family, a friend, or an even just an acquaintance, I would like to ask a favor.

Could you send me an object/trinket/bauble/etc that reminds you of her, a favorite memory, the place you met or forged a friendship, a place you discussed visiting someday, etc.

The object can be anything small that represents the former such as a piece of volleyball net, a magnet showing a place you visited, brass knuckles as a sign of her fight, a shot glass for a wild night, a map, a picture, a tire stem for a flat tire. Basically anything at all that’s tied to the former. Doesn’t need to me THE shot glass…just a shot glass.

I’d like to have these sent to me with a note (long or short) that tells the story of the object and it’s significance for you. I would like to read as many of these as possible but if it’s sealed in an envelope or something, it will stay that way.

I am hoping to add a little more context to her life, her influence as a person, and maybe hear a few new stories that she may eventually shared over the years.

To be clear, even if you only met her once, if she left an impression on you that you’re willing to share, I am interested. We are each the culmination of these little events and I’d like to know more of her legacy and be able to share that with anyone else interested, now or in the figure.

Two specific things I’d like to do is prepare the items and stories together for people to read at whatever equivalent we end up having for a wake by setting aside a somewhat private area where people can sit and think but also peruse these stories and items to get to know part of Lillian that may not have been available to them, or are just different from the Lillian they knew.

There is also a non-zero possibility that another couple may use the embryos we had developed after her initial diagnosis. If that happens, after I’ve spent time with the letters myself, I would like to hand the box off to the parents so, should a day come where they their child to know more about her, there will be some legacy to share.

The sooner the better as I’d like to have some or all of these available in a week or two, but if you find yourself motivated sometime further down the line, I would still be interested.

You can send these to me at:

9231 Newcastle Ave
Morton Grove, IL 60053

Previous intro:

Welcome to our CaringBridge website. We are using it to keep family and friends updated in one place. We appreciate your support and words of hope and encouragement. Thank you for visiting.

We are sure this will come as a surprise to many, but our feisty friend, Lillian, was recently diagnosed with a rare and very aggressive form of cancer, Neuroendocrine or NET and each nuance we learn of her condition funnels it further down the spectrum of rarity, even for NET. While she is not yet even 40, athletic, fit, cooks at home, has never smoked, and always takes her vitamins, cancer has decided to pick a fight with her.

In Lillian's case, cancer appears to have started in her lung before metastasizing to her lymph nodes, ovary, and brain so in the simplest of terms she has stage 4 lung cancer. We are waiting on the PET scan results which should tell us any other areas of involvement.

To add insult to injury, this comes at a time when the entire world, and specifically our medical community, has been brought to its knees by the global, respiratory pandemic COVID-19 that is crippling the resources she needs to fight this diagnosis both physically and emotionally.

Medical facilities are reduced to skeleton crews and medical staff members are all fighting fights of their own. Experimental treatment options that would otherwise be available are shut down at the national level due to fear of contaminating results and endangering patient lives. Every trip Lillian makes to the hospital (sometimes multiple times a day!) puts her at greater risk of catching the virus herself and she is already the epitome of the risk factor ‘underlying health condition’.

But worse than all of that, she is completely cut off from the many friends and family that love her. Shelter-in-place means no gathering with her volleyball crew or law school friends. She can't have a girls’ night out. She can’t even a quiet dinner at home her closest friends or family. There may be no worse time in modern history to go through this kind of hardship.

Through all of this, though, she remains strong and fierce and obstinate; all the things you would expect from her. And while she certainly goes through moments of rage and hopelessness and bewilderment, she also rolls out of bed every morning at 6 am, turns on her laptop, and goes to work improving the lives of others…just like the rest of us but with a crippling cough, a swelling brain, and an unanswerable but corrosive question, “Why me? Why is my body turning against me?”

Our hopes for this page:

·  Better distribution of information:

Early on we were good about getting information out to various pockets of friends and family. But as more and more details arise it has become overwhelming to keep up. Specifics grow vaguer with each message and people get inadvertently left out of the loop.

·  People want to know how to help:

Lillian has such amazing friends, family, and colleagues and so many of you want to know you can help. But without some way to funnel information and strategize, the requests become overwhelming and it’s easier to just say "Thanks but no thanks" when we really do need the help. With the resources this page provides, though, we hope to be able to actually ask for the help we need.

·  We want Lillian to see the support network she has when she needs it most:

One of the most important parts of processing this harsh reality is finding opportunities to detach from it for a few minutes to groom the dog, binge some Netflix,  or take a nap to recover a little before facing it all again. But with so many reaching out to check-in, offer a hand, or ask for an update those moments rarely last and every update she gives forces her to wrestle with all of those emotions again whether she's ready to or not. It's hard to fully appreciate a warm message when it comes at the cost of facing your own mortality.

Through this site, we hope to focus those updates and well wishes so that she can update when new information comes in and consume the good feeling when she needs them most.

· Sharing Lillian and sharing WITH Lillian:

As we add our stories and pictures, discuss what she means to us, recall the good and bad times that build our relationships it will help her see herself through our eyes so that she can continue to find the strength to fight this thing and win. Her mind is so full of medication schedules, survival rates, medical bills, and fear that she needs US to be her memories and give her reasons to keep kicking and screaming and clawing her way through this time.
 
So please help us push the isolation that his virus has cast on us aside and bring to light the love, friendship, and support that Lillian has all around her. If you'd like to leave a message for Lillian, click the "Well Wishes" link in the ribbon above or go to: 


https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lillianwafford/guestbook 

Newest Update

January 24, 2023

Journal entry by Aaron Spruill —

What: Lillian Wafford's Celebration of Life

Where: Fogo de Chao, 661 N La Salle Blvd, Chicago

When: January 28th 2023 from 4:30pm - 7:30pm

Why: Fogo de Chao is a Brazilian steakhouse and provides a traditional churrasco dining experience. It was Lillian and my favorite place for Date Nights and since the onset of Covid, it was one of the few indulgences she allowed herself. Over the years, both the former and current CEOs of Fogo have sought us out to commend Lillian on her strength and resilience (my boss, Shawn, ratted her out to them). Since they always treated us like royalty and Lillian LOVED being treated like royalty, she forgave him. 

So, I would like to invite you all to one last Date Night at Fogo in Lillian's memory. 

Attire: Casual to HoweverFancyYouFeel. Lillian was always down for dressing up but, like everyone else, she spent the last few years in pajamas :) As long as one's outfit is suitable for dinner at a nice restaurant, it'll be grand. I'll be wearing jeans and a jacket. I suspect some others will look quite fancy too :) 

Parking: 
- Metered: Some metered parking may be found though I would not personally recommend it. If you do want to use metered parking, the ParkChicago app is far easier than feeding the meter. 
- Garage: There are several parking garages nearby. SpotHero is a great option if you'd like to park in a garage (again, I recommend downloading the app).
- Valet: Valet parking is available for $17 (it's also customary to tip). $20 for a few hours of hassle-free parking downtown isn't bad. Plus it’s really cold in Chicago in January so I recommend standing inside while someone else gets the car for you!

Dietary Restrictions:
- Allergies/Dietary Restrictions: Please inform your server(s) of any allergies or dietary restrictions. 
- Vegan: There is an immense salad bar. It's truly amazing.
- Vegitarian: There is an immense salad bar. It really is truly amazing. There are fish options available as well.
- Halal: I believe the lamb is Halal but please confirm.
- Omnivores: There is an immense salad bar. To each their own but I recommend not falling for this temptation.
- Carnivores: Prepare thyself.
- Other: We've reached the end of my familiarity with dietary restrictions but I'm sure there will be options.

Dinner: See above.

Coffee/Dessert: Coffee and dessert will be served after the meal so save room if you must or get the Papaya Cream since it just fills in the cracks.

Beverages: Fountain beverages, coffee, tea, water (sparkling or flat).

Alcohol: There is a full bar but please be aware that each guest is responsible for their own alcohol bill + tip. And, of course, if anyone gets out of line, we'll have to cut you off. 😊

Toast: After dessert is served, a round of La Marca Prosecco will be provided, courtesy of Fogo de Chao, to make a toast.
Fogo Surprise: Toward the end of dinner Fogo has a special treat planned. This is not to be confused with 'a prize'. You will not get ‘a prize’, you will get a ‘surprise’.

Costs: 
-What's Covered: The bill (including tax/and a 20% gratuity) for dinner, dessert, beverages, coffee, the Fogo surprise, and the official toast are covered.
-What's Not Covered: Parking and any additional alcohol (+ tip) will be billed individually. If you enjoy the service and would like to leave an additional tip you can leave cash on the table or via card by asking a server bring you a bill for $1.

Contributions to the Celebration of Life: No one is expected to contribute beyond parking and alcohol(+tip) but if you would prefer to do so, whether or not you attend, you can use the venmo, paypal, zelle information below or stick it in an envelope and hand it to me on Saturday. If you can't find me, you can give it to Jacob and it'll get to me. Jacob is the giant ZZ-Top looking guy...can't miss him. Note: I am 100% sure that the following contact information will get scrapped off the page and sold to solicitors so I have replaced all the letter o’s with the number 0’s in my `c0ntact informati0n`. (See what I did there?)
(venmo: @Aar0n-Spruill, paypal: cryzid@gmail.c0m, zelle: cryzid@gmail.c0m) (Did it there too!)

Schedule:
4:30 Guests arrive and are seated
4:40 Beverage order
4:45 Fogo introduction and invitation to the market table/salad bar.5:15 Traditional Gaucho tableside service
5:30 Super special surprise courtesy of Fogo
6:15 Dessert/Coffee
6:30 Official Toast to Lillian
7:00 Individual billing for additional alcohol
7:30 Departure.

After Dinner: People are welcome to organize and head to a nearby hotel bar/other venue as a large group, break apart into smaller groups, or go home, etc. The night doesn't have to end but it can. I have no idea what I will do afterwards. There are even odds that I will feel festive or have crawled under a table to cry myself to sleep. Your guess is as good as mine.

Saying Goodbye: When the severity of Lillian's condition made its way around, many were unable to visit her in time to say goodbye. In recognition of that, there will be ways to say goodbye in spirit on Saturday. While I know it's not the same, I hope that one of them will appeal to you and maybe provide some level of closure.
- Scrapbook: We will be adding various things to a 'scrapbook' after the celebration. We will digitize as much as possible so that the scrapbook can later be distributed to those who'd like to have it.
- Say a few words: Once it looks like everyone has returned from the market table, we will pass a mic around so that anyone who'd like to share a few words about Lillian can do so. 
- Bring a memory: Many of you have been so kind as to send me cards or little trinkets along with a few words explaining you chose the trinket and why it makes you think of Lillian. I genuinely had no idea how many people's lives Lillian touched and through these little memories I have been given the indescribable gift of getting to know Lillian from perspectives other than my own. There is absolutely no way I can express what these memories mean to me. I will bring a few to the dinner and place them on a table where others can get to know her through these words just as I have. I would love you to bring and add your own memories of Lillian to the table as well. If a memory is one that you'd like to keep private, bring it in a sealed envelope and we will leave it sealed but visible on the table with the rest. After the celebration, they will all be added to a scrap book (and sealed envelopes will remain sealed). 
- Record a video: A camera will be available at a table off to the side where you can record a goodbye. After the celebration, they will all be added to a scrap book.
- Make a toast: If you'd like to make your own toast after the 'official toast', please do so.
- Tree Planting (local): It was Lillian's wish to be planted with a tree. We are looking into local options so that there will be a place nearby to visit her. Once the planting is scheduled, we will sent out the date to anyone interested in joining.
- Tree Planting (Hawaii): Lillian wanted to visit all 50 states and she got the 49th in 2022. Hawaii is the last state on the list so on or around her birthday (October 27th), I plan to plant a second tree in Hawaii so that she will, at least in spirit, get to visit all 50. I don't know for sure if we CAN plant a tree in Hawaii, but I will try and, if not, there WILL be a memorial of some kind held for her in Hawaii on/around her birthday. If it's just me, that's fine, but I will communicate the place and date to anyone interested so that you can join me.
Sign-Ups: There will be multiple ways to sign up for all the things like getting the scrapbook, getting dates for either/or both tree plantings, etc.

If I’ve missed something or there are details left unclear, please dm me, text me, or call me and I will try to clarify.

um…er…Epilogue?

First:

Thank you all so much for so much.
Thank you all for caring Lillian in whatever capacity.
Thank you for the unbelievable support you’ve shown me.
Thank you for bringing me food.
Thank you for moving into my house and refusing to leave me alone.
Thank you for your advice in her final days.
Thank you for your tributes on Facebook that I’m still lack the strength to read.
Thank you for visiting her or trying to visit her or wishing you knew to visit her. 
Thank you for sharing her with me through pictures and your words.
Thank you for calling me, texting me, messaging me to check on me…even people who’ve never met me.
Thank you for adopting me as your friend when you found out she was gone.
Thank you for your words on CaringBridge.
Thank you for helping me research tree planting/burial services.
Thank you for treating me like family.
Thank you for your donations to Lillian’s GoFundMe.
Thank you for the long pauses you wait through while I try not to cry and talk at the same time.
Thank you for helping me with all the damn paperwork that comes with losing someone.
Thank you for the flowers.
Thank you for demanding to come clean my house even though I won’t let you.
Thank you for allowing me days to respond.
Thank you for understanding when I disappeared after I lost her.
Thank you for the no-judgement zone you’ve allowed me for the past month.
Thank you for all the things I’ve forgotten to thank you for. 

I’d also like to recognize the people who’ve helped me plan Lillian’s Celebration of Life because there have been days to weeks that I just could not. Paul and Annie, Xan & Glen(n), Joe and Ken, Carla and Jake, Shawn, Jacob, and Barry and Patrick at Fogo for going above and beyond. 

Finally:

I hope that I can muster the strength to say a few words about Lillian on Saturday because I have so much that I’d like to say. But the truth is, for the most part, I still can’t make it through someone else speaking about her. Hell, I’m crying now and I’m just typing about talking about her. So…unless I find some as-of-yet undiscovered fortitude, there is an almost 0% chance that I’ll get more than a few words out before I hand the mic off to someone else.

If I can’t, please don’t hold it against me. I have literally had years to prepare for this and I’m not even close to prepared for this. If I must, I’ll write it down and post what I would have like to have said here or on Facebook for anyone who’s interested.

-Aaron
Read More of the journal titled "January 24, 2023"
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