It's been a LONG while since my last update, just shy of a year. 

I sit here today with a surgery date, FINALLY! In April, I will begin the reconstruction process of this journey, physically anyways. Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally it is ongoing, up & downs, good & bad, beautiful and yes, sometimes UGLY! 

It will have been 17 months since my DMX. It has been a long journey and yet I thank God every day that He spared me from so much.

My surgery will be done at a hospital in Chicago, after all this time waiting, with my OG surgeon and an old colleague of hers, who I've been told does "beautiful DIEP flaps." So, not only do I have 1 amazing plastic surgeon, I have 2. Two women, who know what a woman wants and needs & know the importance of this process. I'm confident in their God given talents to recreate what was taken from me. I learned today, this is considered Stage 1 of a possible 3 stage process. 

If I said I was not a bit nervous about surgery, I'd be lying. It is a 9-12 hour invasive surgery, with a 6-week healing time. I will not only have surgery to reconstruct my breast, but they are using the tissue from my belly button down, so I'll have a 20-inch, hip to hip incision. The worst part for me, is the fact that I'm going to be under for so long, it actually terrifies me. Just being real. I will be off of work for 4-6 weeks and Phil will be taking extra time off to help care for me, since we have been told the 1st 7-10 days, I'll need someone with me 24/7, to help me move. 

I remember the 1st 3-4 days after my mastectomy, I kept saying, "If this surgery is this bad, what is the next one going to be like? How am I going to do this?" I don't know how I'm going to do it, but trust that God has gone before me, will be with me, and will see me through it!

Since last year, I have not seen my oncologist. She sent me for "scans" looking for cancer. She wanted to order a mammogram, but didn't know you can't do that with expanders????  Then she suggested I get an MRI. Again, that is not possible, the expanders have magnets in them.  She finally sent me to get an ultrasound.🤦‍♀️When I arrived at the imagining center, they told me they don't do ultrasounds unless I'm having an issue or found something. The best part of this appointment, the radiologist sat on the edge of my bed for at least 30 minutes, we were sharing about the goodness and faithfulness of God. The receptionist and lobby could hear us laughing and crying. 🙌It was a divine appointment for sure!

I have been asked if I am cancer free? The answer is YES!

If you ask the doctors, they will tell you they don't like to tell women they are cancer free because removing breast cancer is like pulling a dandelion from your yard, seeds get left behind. I come against that in the name of JESUS! I can confidently say I am cancer free and believe it! Not because of anything I have done, but because who HE is and what He has done in me.  IYKYK

Here's the thing, God keeps taking me back through every step, every detail, that HE WAS AND IS IN. This cancer was not found by the medical establishment, God altered me to go to the doctor. After the 3rd prompting, I finally listened and went to the doctor. Testing did not find it.  The doctors were dumbfounded how I "found" this, and my response was and is and forever will be, "I DIDN'T, HE DID." The doctors told me to not have a DMX, and yet in ALL the details He kept showing up. Had I not listened to Him, I'd still be sitting here with cancer, again that did NOT show up on any testing, including the MRI.

God told me 6 days after I read those MyChart results, "Invasive Lobular Carcinoma," that He was going to clean this out of me and something new was going to be birthed. I'll never forget that morning and yet He still has to remind me of it all because the lies, the fears, the noise, the waiting, the uncertainty, the hard, the aching, the grieving, the changes, it's exhausting and it sucks!!! #butGod

Yes, I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to not have needed chemo. I am blessed to not have needed radiation. BUT I still had to live through having breast cancer and having parts of my body, that God created, removed. Every day, looking in the mirror is a reminder, some days I don't care, other days the emotions all come back. I have become a woman of less words when someone is walking through a life changing circumstance, because until I have walked in their shoes, I have NO words that can take it away or make them feel better. The only ONE that can, is JESUS, our LORD and Savior! I now say a pray and believe that God will heal, restore, bring peace and rest in their situation, because that is who HE is and what He did for me. If He did it for me, He can do it for you too! 

I used to say the year I turned 40 was the hardest year of my life, last year was definitely harder. I won't share all the details, but I feel like I need to say this: If you ask someone how they are doing, make sure you really want to know, because it's not always easy being vulnerable. If they choose to let you in and share with you, they believe you care and are expecting you to listen. If they just respond by saying, "I'm okay," there is ALWAYS a chance they are NOT okay. One of the best things a sweet friend said to me, "It's OKAY to not be okay," but she didn't leave me there, she walked alongside me through my mess, pointing me to the only ONE who can heal and restore. Just my PSA for today.

OK, so there you have it, the latest update. 

I do plan to vlog the surgical/healing process. There are very few testimonials regarding this surgical process on the interwebs. I'm thankful for the one I found, that wasn't sponsored by a particular doctor or medical center, so I thought I'd help others out. STAY TUNED!

**Photos** The best part of the hardest year of my life is when Phil and I traveled for the 1st time, alone, since having kids 20+ years ago. From hiking with God in the mountains in CO to witnessing His faithfulness on our visit to Foundations for Nations on the Wind River Reservation in WY. It was breathtaking, life-changing, healing, SO MUCH GOODNESS! He was in EVERY detail; from the Jeep Gladiator to Cecil and Daniel at Garden of the God's, to Firm Foundations and beauty on the other side of adversity, to Native lands and powerful prayer & God given family! God wrecked me every day! I'm so thankful for that time with my amazing, supportive husband. Can't wait to go back!