I have been thinking a lot about, as a kid, my parents would talk to other parents they hadn't seen in awhile and without fail comments were made about oh how your children have grown! Where did the time go? So much has changed! I always found that a bit annoying as a child, because well, we grow up and things change... obviously. 😆 As a parent now, I totally get it! Although, I am sure my children are thinking the same thing I use to. 

2 years have gone by... At times they seemed ever so slowly (hanging on to every thread of memory - the sounds ((giggles)) the touch ((her hugs)) our late nights together, the excitement in "planning" and baking (her younger siblings REALLY miss that and talk of it often 🥰). Mostly though, time has flown by and like the comments we make when we havent seen each other in so long.... wow, a lot has changed! Where has the time gone? 

I went to her grave today, alone, for the very first time. I have wanted to do that for 2 years, but could never bring myself to do so. I felt it was time and honoring for this day. I talked as if we had so much to "catch up" on.

      *(I was with Byron yesterday morning on our birthday "donut" date. We were near the cemetery, so I asked if he would like to go. He did not want to. However, excitedly he said, "Mom, how cool would it be if she could come back just for today! I have so much I want to tell her about since she has been gone!" I then replied, "But, wouldn't it be hard to have to say goodbye at the end of the day?" He continued, "Well, yeah but she baked the best food and planned the best parties, it was just so much fun!")

I took my cue from that sweet little man and I just sat and told her all the things that have been going on. As awkward as that was for me, because honestly, theologically I have no idea if she hears and I KNOW she isn't going to respond. But, the amazing part of it all is that I really didn't do much of the "talking". I am currently reading a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It has opened my mind to the beauty and reality of that perfect place God will call us to when it is our time. Through that knowledge I was able to focus on the picture of Lauren coming to me and with PERFECT joy!!! Telling me all about how wonderful it is in heaven, how amazing Jesus is, and how she loves being free from sin, pain and anxiety. And then my mind quickly went to picturing her say - while walking away -  "Alright Mom, I am going to go now. Don't worry about me, I know you miss me, but this place is the BEST! I'll see you soon!" And without the slightest hesitation she is gone. 

The Lord granted me peace in going to her gravesite alone today. And the best part, He allowed me to have some time with her (so to speak)

The tears still flow! The memories of her last months and ESPECIALLY the last walk down the hospital hallway to never look back, knowing we would not see her beautiful face again this side of heaven; is still pretty painful. However, what comes with the tears is a lot less bitterness and questioning why. Mostly tears because I miss her so, so much; mixed in with the tears of how I have changed and how our God has been FAITHFUL!