For those of you not on Facebook, I want to share what my most recent post said. Have a great day and holiday season!

Yesterday I turned 40. Not the 40 I envisioned, but a happy 40 nonetheless! Ok, not happy all the time. I’m the epitome of an emotional rollercoaster. Highs of intense gratitude and joyful awe of my gracious support system and deep lows of depression and selfish “what the f*** did I do to deserve this” moments. Nonetheless, I am collecting birthdays and wearing them like badges of honor. One of my favorite quotes on my 33rd Birthday was “Do not regret growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.” I posted it on Facebook and never knew how close I would be to being denied that privilege. I am so proud of every beautiful line, wrinkle, and age spot because I know how lucky I am to have them. I will try to remember how beautiful I thought my grandmothers were as I see my own face aging. I saw them, not as old ladies, but gorgeous women.

 

I’ve had a great life surrounded by beautiful people. My adulthood in general has had some intense blows, but that is true for most people. Now- It’s been a rough yet beautiful 2 years and 10 months navigating a new normal. I had hoped and even believed that my recovery from my AVM brain bleed would be speedy and I would be “all better” by 40. It’s anything BUT speedy, so I’m making sure to stop and “smell the roses” on the way. I want to live life for the now and not be someone who thinks along the lines of... if my arm functions again, THEN I’ll be happy...or if my core strength improves...or if my brain can figure out how to send signals to my legs, THEN I’ll be happy. So, I CHOOSE HAPPY now. (Most days)

 

I’m starting to see my current life circumstance as a “Beautiful Trauma”. It makes me think of Pink’s latest album and tour.(P.S. I want to take Kim to see her in May when she’s performing in NJ/NY!! With good handicapped accessible seats! Pink is amazing. If anyone has a connection, I shamelessly beg you for help with this. Kim deserves a fun night out and I know she’ll enjoy it more with me by her side.) The name “Beautiful Trauma” is so fitting. All of my sadness and struggling is smothering, but has had a beautiful silver lining with Kim, friends, and family by my side. It’s made me appreciate. It’s made me truly realize how precious life and family and friends are. How important it is to “be kind to one another” (like Ellen always says 😘). Every single person is fighting a private battle.

 

I live with my parents again. This year I am officially divorced. On the surface it looks pretty sad, right? But, I have fabulous 14, 12, and 11 year old children. My parents, brothers, Aunt Patty & Uncle Sam, cousins and friends are able, selfless, and wonderfully supportive. I have a beautiful girlfriend with the most generous soul. I have so many other people who reach out and support me too.

 

I have a good 50-60 years left to live and you better believe that I’m not going to sit back and let my lack of movement take over my life. I plan to be the one to take back the reins and teach myself how to be in control again. As my high school soccer coach used to tell me: Practice makes Permanent. If I practice sitting in my wheelchair all day, I will permanently do that. If I practice standing, strengthening and reenforcing my brain pathways and connections by actually moving my body, I will start moving. I will walk. I will use my right arm again. So, I will keep trying. I will keep going to #PushToWalk. I will keep working out with private therapists. I will keep using the power of positive thinking to fuel my drive.

 

Almost 3 years ago I couldn’t even fathom looking at my phone. Well, first I was in a coma. I had half a skull and when I woke up, I had to wear a helmet. I had no capability or interest in media as I could barely read much less connect my thoughts to my words. I could not text with my family and friends. I simply didn’t have the brain power.

 

2 1/2 years ago I decided to try to text. It was agonizingly difficult. I didn’t want to do it because I couldn’t keep up. My fingers were slow and my processing was slower.

 

Almost 2 years ago I wrote an update on my caringbridge site. My skull had been surgically put back in after vacationing at a bone bank in Virginia for a few months. When my AVM bled my mother had used caringbridge as a vehicle to keep everyone informed of my progress. I couldn’t fathom writing one myself, but I decided to give it a try and it took me hours. It was the one year anniversary and it was something I had to do for myself and my loved ones. I was falling asleep. I was trying with all that I had in me to focus on the task. I needed to prove to myself and everyone else that I could put cohesive thoughts together. It turned out pretty well, but I didn’t think I could ever do it again. It drained all of my energy!

 

1 1/2 years ago-Life was “better”, but I was still feeling hopeless. I still couldn’t move. My legs were unforgiving steel rods. I still needed help for everything. Not much had changed. I would cry hysterically because I just couldn’t control the emotions.

One year ago I had surgery to put a Baclofen pump in my abdomen that feeds a continuous stream of medicine to the intrathecal space in my spine at T5. It helped loosen my legs to the point where I can curl up in bed at night comfortably and it’s glorious. I had already mastered texting and writing and signing my name pretty well with my left hand.

 

Now, I sleep more comfortably. I feel stronger.

I managed to get through court appearances and through my divorce without completely losing my mind. My brain has been working hard nonstop.

I still have a lonnnnngggg way to go. BUT, I wrote this entire message without stress. Without help. Without tears. Without feeling too tired. I think my brain is doing a tremendous job! When, my limbs catch up to the progress my mind has made, I’ll be unstoppable.

 

In the meantime, I’m unstoppable in a different way. I’m choosing to not let life get me down. Or at the very least “fake it ‘til I make it’. Putting a smile on my face has a way of boosting my mood even if I’m not feeling it. Kim makes me “fake smile” when I start to cry. It looks and feels so ridiculous that we both start to laugh and that only proves it’s working. Happy 40th Birthday to me.🎈🎈🎈🎈