Another anniversary. There are so many anniversaries; but, finally I am now using them to propel me in decision making, relationships, and life. I really can feel it in my soul when I am doing something that glorifies HIM, versus what I may feel in the moment. 

I have been practicing all my life for THIS. 

This was a mantra I used during my Ashtanga yoga life -- the best and hardest part of the day was over by 9:00am! No matter what came my way, I could handle it because I've already twisted and turned and sweated and probably cried -- all as a healthy choice that I made before going into work. So my practice went beyond the mat, into the world trying to take Shanti, true peace, the meaningful outcome of the yoga practice, into the world with me.


"This" came in the form of a conversation with a young person outside of youth group on this past weekend. Jake, Calvary Golden Youth Pastor and my partner, and I had exhausted ourselves all week in hours of prayer and conversation to get out the words that really needed to be said all along. Every kid just need to hear: God loves you, and I do too. Come to me for anything. While I don't have all the answers, we can work through it together. I was a teenager once and I had a few safe adults in my life who were ready to listen, validate my feelings, and sometimes that's enough. 


This Youth Group is a different demographic of kids than I have worked with much in the past, but what they all have in common is that they all need to be told that they are loved and never alone. Out of college, I did Head Start home visits to challenging and impoverished homes in rural Texas, outside of Austin, to support preschool kids and families. I worked with tough kids and families at the largest homeless shelter in Colorado, right here in Denver. I am not equipped to "solve" anything, but I can offer my time and energy to a kid for them to believe for just a moment, perhaps, that they are not alone. 

Every child and family of every demographic, age, and size needs to know that they are not alone. 

I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING ALL MY LIFE FOR THIS.
...

However, today also represents is my first anniversary of learning that I cannot safely have children of my own. This is due to my heart condition which we learned about through brain surgery; compounded with the fact that I really have to remain on my medication cocktail, despite a "successful" DBS brain surgery (2022), which is not safe for a child. 

I assumed all my life that I would have children of my own. I studied Human Development and Family Studies at CSU. I grew up in a home-daycare, watching families with their everyday stuff come and go out of my home; playing with every age of child who came through. I nannied and helped to raise two amazing "kids" who are now adults; learning with them and from them, and being included dearly as a part of their family for many years. 

I trained and practiced as a birth doula. I fell deeply in love with pregnancy and birth early on in life, fascinated with a book all about the child developing in the whom, to labor and delivery. Later, my sweet older sister invited me into the room for the labor and deliveries of all five of her amazing children! I even got to catch their boy! I have had the amazing time and adventure of helping to be a part of these five children's lives since day one. It's a blessing. 

And, yet, how is it that... I cannot safely have children of my own? It's not... fair. How is it that I could feel so equipped and inspired by birth and children, but never have the opportunity to have my own experience?

Over this past year I have developed a new practice. I have worked hard in EMDR therapy to mourn and let go of the children I will never have. I have written them letters to tell them how I would have loved them, and that they would probably have great hair (cause that gene is often passed on the mother's side!). It's been a year of deep mourning, mostly silently, because I was not ready to give it up, but anniversaries are important and sharing my life, vulnerabilities, and experience has been an important part of this healing process for me. So I don't know how this is a blessing, entirely, but I will make the best of it by sharing it here now. 

I realize that part of the major drive to tie the knot with my previous relationship, unhealthy as it was, was my "need" to lay out my future -- get married and have my 2.3 babies (which is really no longer the national average, but what I always deemed was fair for myself). I wanted this before I was about 38 years old. I had a timeline and I was sticking to it, thought the other person involved in creating these children and I were never meant to be -- I was just sure that we would just figure it out when we got there, cause this is what I thought I wanted. I told God to bless it, but He knew better for me. 

God had different plans for me. The sailor was not a good fit at all, and I can't safely have children of my own, anyway. So letting all of that go in separate ways was extremely important and challenging to accept that there is a plan for me, but over which I have so very little control. Acceptance and letting go is also an important yogic concept, of course.

So, letting go of control -- a theme I have been practicing all my life for, as well. Releasing what I will never have, seeking to realize for myself that my health may never be that of a person who can stay up with a sick child all night. My body, brain, and heart were not designed for this specific purpose. Working to accept that living on SSDI is really only enough for myself and bringing a child into the world would not feel responsible for me for so many reasons -- not as a judgement on others. 

I have struggled with listening to mommies complain about their babies and children, post-pardum depression, lack of sleep... But listening has also been the key to my healing and accepting. I don't have these same problems and I never will.

I've been practicing all my life for empathy, compassion, and listening skills to try to understand and support others in their journey. I cannot be angry and jealous of these seemingly mundane tasks that most mothers drill through, because that doesn't serve me or them. So today is a new day to accept that I have been practicing on my life for this. Whatever this is. 

And I give this all back to you, Lord, cause it was not my plan, but yours. And in it, I will eventually accept and see that it is good and perfect in every way. That is my prayer. 


"I will to heal you of your epilepsy,
But it's going to be a long, hard road."
-- God
January 19, 2020