Three years have passed since our favorite person and my love said goodbye to his earthly life and entered his forever home.  Right now I’m struggling to find the right words to describe these three years.  I can’t figure out where it went and how it happened without him.

I spent time reading my posts from the first two heavenversaries and it amazes me of all of the things that have taken place since those dates.  All of the everyday life things, all of the wishes and goals we had planned together, and all of the milestones that we’ve hit along the way.  Each one becomes so bittersweet, because the plan was always to do them together.  We continue to do these things without Kurt, we make memories and he’s not in these new memories and that is hard for me.  I have always struggled with change, I’m not good with it and I just don’t like it.  My life changed drastically three years ago, and it’s been the hardest change I’ll ever had to live through.

August was one for the books.  One of the biggest memories we created was taking a trip to Disney World.  It was epic, exhausting, exciting and everything in between.  We rode a lot of rides, we walked a million miles, and we ate just as many calories.  I thought so much about Kurt on the trip.  I knew what he would’ve thoroughly enjoyed and I knew exactly what kind of things he would’ve thoroughly been annoyed with.  His patience would’ve been tested to the max in Disney World, that’s for sure.  Another big memory happened at the end of August.  Greysen went through his hunter safety course and passed with flying colors.  He is such a smart kid and his knowledge of guns and hunting was just another example of how much he is like his dad.

October was almost as much excitement as Disney.  The month started off with a celebration of what would’ve been Kurt’s 40th birthday on earth.  We of course celebrated with a “Dad fish fry” along with old fashioneds and his favorite dessert, cheesecake.  In honor of his 40th, I asked facebook friends for at least 40 favorite memories, something they liked/admired about him, or a word to describe Kurt.  I’m not sure why I was blown away when there were well over 175 things shared about him.  I absolutely loved reading them.  Reading what people have to say about him or listening to people talk about him is one of my favorite things.  It warms my heart when I realize people remember him and miss him so dearly.  It makes me feel slightly less alone.

These were the things we had shared…

I always admired Kurt’s boldness.  He could say what was on his mind or what he was thinking without fear of what others thought.  Someday I hope I have a fraction of his boldness.

Greysen…dad is awesome.  I remember all of the times we fished together in his boat.

Greta…best dad in the world.  I remember chair time in the recliner with him every morning. 

October had continued excitement when Greysen shot his first deer on Kurt’s favorite hunting land.  It was a goosebump moment that brought me a full on cry.  This was the very thing Kurt wanted to teach and experience with his son.  I was so proud and Greysen was beaming.

More highlights over year #3 include…

~4th grade & 5th grade baseball seasons

~Greta turned 7

~more fishing out of Kurt’s boat

~two mini-vacays with Kurt’s side

~holidays

~adult hunting season in Hayward

~an awesome 5th grade basketball season

~Greysen meeting the Badger’s basketball team in their locker room with his buddy Evan

~Greysen turned 11

~spending time with family and friends

~Greta playing softball for the first time

~every Monday through Sunday and small moments in between

There has not been a moment teeny tiny or massively huge that I haven’t thought how much I wished Kurt was there living it with us.  Experiencing moments without him here stings.  There are so many times I’d love to stand up and shout out about how unfair my moments are to the people around who are taking their moments for granted.  Instead the tears just slowly slide down my cheeks from under my sunglasses, so that the other mothers and fathers don’t see the hurt.  I recently read this and I find comfort knowing that even though I often feel alone in my moments, I am not alone (from Love, the Only Thing).

Jesus wept.

Two words.

They could’ve been left out.

Two words.

Out of over 783,000 other words.

Two words.

God had a purpose for them.

Jesus wept.

Two words.

The shortest verse in the Bible.

These two words draw us to our Savior.

We tend to try to hide our emotions from the world or push the sadness to the back of our minds.

But with these two words God wants us to know it’s ok to be sad.

God wants us to know He sees us.

He understands.

Jesus, the One who always was and always is,

The Creator of the universe

The First and the Last

The Beginning and the End

The One who knows He has overcome satan, sin, and death

The Savior of the world

wept.

Because this world hurts.

We can know that Heaven

and a great reunion awaits us,

but it doesn’t completely take away

the hurt that we feel while we’re still here.

Jesus knew that.

He felt that.

And He wept.

Jesus loved deeply. And hurt deeply.

And if you’re feeling this way today, it’s ok to let the tears fall.

But know that one day,

your Savior

is going to wipe them all away.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

I know that I am not the only one wiping tears away.  There are so many going through heartache, pain, or sickness on a daily basis.  Know that you are not alone.  Jesus wept.  He loves you dearly and He will wipe those tears away.

This is your reminder.  Love your people now, but more importantly, love Jesus.