Hello Friends, (please read to the end for a way to support Reed's ultimate frisbee team go to Nationals!)

Yesterday I finished my last radiation dose which marks the end of my cancer treatment (for now)! A lot of patients ring a bell to celebrate completing chemo. I didn't get to do this because of the weird timing of switching from Kaiser to UCSF with 2 infusions to go, and then skipping the last one because my platelets were too low. So this certificate (see picture) meant more to me that I expected it to. I now enter the wait and watch period with my next scan in a few months. I will also be learning more about the clinical trial and probably starting that in the next month or two. I'll keep you posted.

Physically I am doing pretty well. My energy and appetite are coming back. Unfortunately, the neuropathy in my feet is no better. It still feels like I am walking on sandpaper and the pain increases at night. This affects my confidence driving and walking up/down stairs and prevents me from going for long walks. But I am happy to be shuffling kids around locally again and making short grocery trips etc.. 

Monday May 6th was our 18th wedding anniversary! That was a radiation day for me so a bit anticlimactic, but the next day we enjoyed a wonderful lunch date (see pic) and reflected on how much had changed in one year. 

I find myself in this strange land where I am constantly oscillating between thinking about kids sports or end of year activities and remembering I have stage IV cancer. Between bursts of tears and organizing carpool. Between big questions like who am I and what matters and managing kids screen time or vacuuming. I know we all do this to varying degrees but I've come to appreciate that when you hit a turning point in your life like cancer, the amount of oscillation can really ramp up! I am trying to be patient and gentle with myself.

I recently shared a letter I had written to my kids (with the support of some of my Commonweal friends). My intention was to tell them more of the truth around how hard this journey has been and how I'm feeling now. I felt nervous to do this but I was so impressed with them. We all sat together in our living room as I handed them each a letter to follow along, and read it aloud. There were tears, hugs, and questions. Which is exactly what I was hoping for. It was really beautiful.

In addition I met with a stage IV colorectal cancer survivor who has the same UCSF oncologist. During my conversation with her I realized I don't know my "cancer identity" yet. This incredible woman, a few years younger than me, a working mom, and no evidence of disease (NED) right now, shared that she strongly identifies as a "survivor". She participates in survivor groups. She runs in colorectal cancer awareness races wearing a survivor badge. She talks about being a survivor on social media and connects worldwide with others who share the same identity. As I listened to her share all of this, I realized that I am in this weird in between space of not being sick with cancer, not in active treatment, but not yet identifying as a survivor either. I'm just not there yet I guess. 

For now, I'm taking an extended break from work while I'm out on disability and leaning into the stay-at-home mom roll for a while. I am delighting in time with the kids and with B and deeply appreciating having more spaciousness for myself. 

As always, thanks for being here. I love you all! 
Kris

P.S. PLEASE SUPPORT REED'S ULTIMATE TEAM TO GO TO NATIONALS :-) 
I hope you don't mind me taking a moment here to share an opportunity to support our son Reed (far right in team photo) and his ultimate frisbee team! His high school, Berkeley High, just won an invitation to the 2024 High School National tournament in Rockford, Illinois on June 7th and 8th. They are the only California team invited to attend so they are super excited and honored to represent not only our amazing local ultimate program, but also the broader California ultimate community. As a club team, they don’t receive any funding from the school or district and their amazing coaches volunteer their time. This program is entirely funded by donations from parents, families, alumni and community members.

In order to bring 20+ players and three coaches to Nationals and cover the costs of travel, lodging, fees, etc.. the team needs to raise approximately $28,000 and they need it soon!  If you can, please use this link to donate to help them meet their goal! Any amount helps :-)