I decided today to debut my new BLONDE hair (at least it looks blonde for now). I'm past the chemo so I want to ditch the chemo hat and move on, but all the other options I have tried look weird to me because there is no hair showing and my head is SUPER small. The past couple of months have been a wild ride-from the 9 hour surgery and overnight hospital stay, to a recovery that I can only describe as an emotional roller coaster combined with a whole different type of fatigue, a lot of frustration from feeling just good enough to try to get back into the swing of a few things but really not having enough energy to actually do them, and just wanting to put all this behind me. BUT, the reality is, I'm past the hard part, but i'm still another 7 months away from finishing my treatments. Moving on is premature, but I can close the door to some of these things. 

From a medical update, my pathology came back negative after my mastectomy. The chemotherapy and surgery were effective. I have started radiation, and have been able to start back with acupuncture and massage which were paused for several weeks after surgery. I can say that I am starting to get some energy back, but I'm still basically on a toddler schedule--early to bed, nap in the middle of the day, but it's a long way from sleeping 20 hours a day like I did after surgery. I just started radiation-will have this every day for the next 6 weeks. I have also started back on my infusions which are every three weeks till the end of the year. These have been surprisingly hard. I don't have the chemo side effects, but walking into the chemo room and sitting in the same chair that used to commit me to 10 really hard days after each cycle where sometimes it was everything I could do to just force myself to get out of bed and eat and do my daily walk--this has been a major mental task to overcome. It was better this week, but the first one was really hard. So thankful for my volunteer friend that held my hand and sat with me through it to the very last drop 

I've been talking to people on my medical team (some of whom have been through this as well) and they said it is the most common time for people to struggle mentally (up to 50% have depression per some sources)-when people start feeling well, but still really tired, when you have some time where you are not knocked out by chemo or trying to recover from surgery and finally have time to try to process what the heck happened to you over the last 6 months, mourn the loss of some physical things, social life changes, schedule changes etc but still aren't abile to do what you did.. 

I have had a lot of really profound conversations, but just a few things that have helped with my perspective and pulled me through this 

"If you have the insight that what you are feeling and going through is not your normal, you will get through this mentally." 

"Your physical appearance does not define you." Goes for hair, mastectomy, reconstruction, etc.

"It took 3 weeks for you to start losing your hair with chemo. It took a month after surgery for it to start growing back (7 months later). Your body is working hard and needs to put it's energy in one thing at a time. Just be patient. This too will pass." Basically goes for every phase of this that I am impatiently waiting for. 

"Give yourself grace and let God fill in the gaps." 

“Create a gratitude relationship with your treatment.”

I’m really trying to work on a intentional daily routine that helps me remember the good when I'm discouraged that I cannot do _______.

So far I’ve landed on the Abide APP which gives verses and prayer, reading scripture focused on specific topics, filling out my revised journal my sister made me to make sure I have social plans, gratitude, prayer (including answered) and nutrition, Updating my social sign up calendar that I have let lapse to make sure I plan something in advance each day, getting a mentor and lastly….

Started looking for low energy, easy on my brain hobbies to pass the time while my body recovers. 

Despite the tough road, I still have a ton to be thankful for: 

I can raise my arm above 80 degrees -I was unable to do this even after my drain came out because of cording. 

I can now drive-I did not do that for 3 weeks after surgery (and that was only a few weeks ago)

I am able to lift my arm above my head so that I can actually get radiation-I was not able to do that and is mandatory for me to do this treatment. 

I can sleep most nights-I was REALLY struggling with sleep after surgery and even though i'm using some things to help, I am actually sleeping more than I was. MAJOR blessing. 

My neuropathy was improved significantly.

All of my friends and family who have just shown up where I needed it. I haven't been as responsive on texts or getting out bt when people show up just because it takes the challenge of me having to figure things out out of the equation.

God's healing process (which includes the medical team). I had an experience at the beginning of my treatment that I can only describe as a miracle and have known from that day forward that I would be healed from this. Happy to share if interested. 

God's carrying me through this on the easy and the hard days. There is NO way I could have overcome this without His help. Religion is one thing, but having full reliance on your Creator is a whole different story.

I know this is long, but know that I really am doing OK despite the tough recovery and dialogue above. I wanted to be transparent that this journey is not easy, but it will not conquer me and oddly enough there are even days I have thanked God for allowing me to go through this because there are so many things I have learned that I would not, had I not had this opportunity. 

What I need from you-feel free to comment on any or all. 

1. Sign up to hang out/walk with me/hang with kids, etc. I may have to cancel or change plans, but sign up!

2. Keep in touch! This can be very isolating for an extrovert like me.

3. Give me all your hobby ideas. Links to art classes, earring making classes, music, low impact exercise (I am still limited on this until I finish radiation), fun Bible study or bookclub, nature things, meetups in area, etc. I can't do it all but want to find somethings.

4. I'm considering a weekly meetup at coffee house but rotating people just so it doesn't get too overwhelming--LMK if that interests you! 

5. Best way to do photo storage. I am tackling getting all my photos organized as my first project--google photos???