December 10, 2023 ~ My Birthday

As a young girl I was enamored with Birthstones. Each month was represented by a gem and that gem meant so much to me. I would look at the Avon catalog each month and see what jewelry they had for the upcoming month. I remember being so glad I came “late” and was not a November baby with a yellow birthstone! I love the light blue twinkle of my Blue Topaz!   My mom was born in May and her birthstone, the Emerald, was also the gem that shone in her high school class ring. She kept it in a jewelry box in her bedroom and I don’t know if she knows (until now) how many times I snuck into her room to look at that beautiful gem. I longed for the day when maybe I would get to wear it. It meant something to me and my beautiful mom still comes to mind when I see anything in emerald green. It was the color of the bridesmaid dresses at our wedding and my favorite color to wear! Come to think of it…that deep, dark green has always been my favorite color, even to this day. I always wondered what made me love green so much. I used to think it was because there is a color called Kelly green…but now I know the truth… it was my mom all along! Thanks mom for not only giving me life, but a connection to green that I never realized until now was, YOU! 

I spend this birthday at age 46 (right??? 1977, 78, 79…), beginning my 47th year on this planet with a great deal of pain. Feb. 9th will mark 4 ½ years since my surgery and as of my last check up I am still cancer free! The damage chemo did to my body is still evident in everything I do. My diagnosis almost two years ago, of Rheumatoid Arthritis, started a journey to find an injectable treatment that would lower my pain. During the interim I was prescribed a high dose of Prednisone to lower my pain until we found the “right” RA medication. There was a delay due to insurance and I ended up being on Prednisone for much longer than intended and I gained 50+ lbs. So many people tell me they know someone who had the same effect. I am not happy that the doctors did not tell me how drastic of a side-effect the steroid would be. The extra weight brings on its own challenges and in the job I do, I do not like being overweight. I need to be able to keep up with the kids so I decided I was not going to do the steroids anymore and, with my doctor’s help, began the weaning process off of Prednisone. Little-by-little, month-by-month, I have been lowering my dose of Prednisone and allowing my body to kick back in and take care of the duties it was intended to do. The weight gain plateaued, thankfully.  I am on my last step…1 mg of prednisone…until Dec. 26 when I actually am scheduled to see my Oncologist for my 4 ½ year check-up. We will be discussing at that time, how to now focus on weight loss and get my pre-cancer body back, as much as is realistic after my journey!

The problem with lowering the prednisone is the pain comes back a little more with each decrease in steroid. None of the SIX different injectables we tried gave me more than a 30% reduction in pain. I was supposed to give each one about 3 months to show their stuff but 5 of the 6 actually gave me side-effects that were worse than the actual RA pain itself. Today I sit here on NO injectable and only 1 mg of steroid until I see my Rheumatologist in January. This is a path I have chosen but it makes it very difficult to move and work sometimes. The pain in my main joints is excruciating when I get up from any position other than standing/walking and pushing off of things like using my arm to help get up, or walking down stairs, brings on pain that I used to easily tolerate. I have always had a huge pain tolerance, but this pain is different and I’m longing for relief without side effects. Pretty lofty thinking, huh?!

When I messaged my doctor about my pain, of course I have to wait several months to see her and in the meantime her suggestion was to go back to taking 10-15 mg of Prednisone to help me feel better until I’m seen. I am refusing that advice. I have worked WAY too hard and tolerated too much pain to just go back to the methods that allow weight gain. I’m between a rock and a hard place and am choosing the pain with weight loss over less pain. If it was “no pain” that may be a different story but I have chosen to get my body back and deal with the side effects, as long as that choice is not causing damage to my joints. At this point I am not damaging my body, so I’ll take the pain any day over a 3-5 lb weight gain EVERY month! I’m doing plenty of research and looking for ways to help this aging body feel better if possible.

When I looked up “gift for 46 years”, the list of marriage/anniversary gift ideas came up the same way it used to when I was a kid. I have also always loved looking up what gift you traditionally give someone based on their years of marriage. The traditional gift for the first year of marriage is Paper. The modern gift is a clock. There is no specific gift for the 46th year.  I love looking at the different items and imagining how people gave gifts 100, 200 years ago! (I’m a nerd that way!)

When I looked up the “47th Anniversary” for some inspiration, the chart that came with the site for “Borsheims” jewelry tells me… 

“While the 47-year anniversary doesn’t have an official flower, it does have a designated gemstone: amethyst. This pretty purple stone symbolizes peace, healing and equilibrium, which are all important aspects of a successful marriage” 

Does anyone else find it interesting that my new job as Special Education teacher at Gilman Schools brought me to a mascot that wears purple? Although I am completely swamped with work this year, I am absolutely feeling “peace, healing and equilibrium” this year. I have also been wearing quite a bit of purple!

Although my pain has increased, I have decided to look for ways to lower my pain with non-medication methods. I’m going back to doing yoga each day. I’m choosing foods that do not encourage inflammation and I’m being more mindful of how my choices (not getting enough sleep, especially) affect my entire life! I am seeking out the help of a shoulder specialist, as right now I cannot lift my right arm without excruciating pain. My hand has started to tingle as well so I cannot just let that pain be. My previous cortisone shot in that shoulder gave me 99% pain relief so we believe it to be just inflammation but I want to look closer to be sure. Pain is one thing…loss of function is a whole different story! 

I have found that in my day-to-day activities of being a Special Education teacher, I am oftentimes fully engulfed in my job and I rarely notice my pain. It is not until I slow down and actually sit that I feel the pain so intensely. While talking with my husband and some co-workers on Friday, we discussed how our bodies respond to adrenaline, endorphins, etc. I am going to try to use physical fitness and mindfulness as a resource to help me through my pain. Mindfulness sometimes freaks people out as a form of Middle-Eastern chanting, etc., but in my job teaching students the concept, we learn how to listen to our bodies and heal by using tools like breathing, resting, dealing with our issues, etc. Throughout his career, Gabe has used mindful breathing to help himself train to remain calm in stressful situations. I have watched how his methods work and likely saved his life in some highly intense scenes. Getting more oxygen to our brain helps us think more clearly. I know I can use that and I also know how much better I feel when I do my stretching and yoga consistently. I will continue to seek out advice on pain management but if I can do something without needing to put more chemicals into my body, it is worth a try. 

Along with “mindfulness” I am focusing on prayer. I ask God for help and guidance several times during my day, as managing an ever-growing caseload of wonderful kids can get overwhelming. Without my Lord to help me through I would not be able to tolerate the pain and stress that I live with. Truly, He is the only way I get through my days and I thank him each morning for allowing me another day to try to serve others. 

Today I wake up, ready to begin another year on this planet and can’t wait to see what God has in store! Will I have less pain? Will I hit another deer? Will I get a baby goat?...So many questions flood my mind but the one thing I know is no matter how much pain I’m in, I can always talk to God and he will help me through. I hope this December (blue topaz) and the upcoming Christmas season find you reflecting on how you are going to spend your next year on this planet. What is your birthstone and what does it mean to you? How can you purposely work to make your life better and what can you reflect on that tells the story of how God has brought you through this past year? Whether it's your year 20, 80 or more… you are being given another day to make a difference. How will you use it? Will it reflect Jesus? 

I’m off to do more paperwork and dive into the world that makes me forget my pain. I am so thankful for the people in my life and the joy the Lord has given me in working with students with Special Needs. I pray you find your path and the Lord helps you through any pains you are experiencing. It is amazing to me how much my pain subsides when I’m doing the things the Lord has directed me to. It is better than any medication I can find! 

Happy Blue Topaz (December)!

Still in pain, but giving it to Jesus…

~Kelly