Hello Week #4! I was nervous to get all 3 drugs this week and so far I'm doing okay. 

As a recap:

Week #1: was a 12 hour day at Dana Farber. It was loading dosages of all medications along with a research biopsy and ALL the emotions. I'll spare you too much of that first day but we survived! The first 2 days after I felt "okay" and by day 3 I was so sick. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, absolutely down for the count. By day 5 I was starting to eat a little bit and day 6 was pure exhaustion. I had to have Sam drag me out of bed, lol. Then day #7 came and I thought "how am I going to add more to my body when I haven't recovered yet..." 

Week #2: was just chemo (taxol) and we got great news in being able to get this right in Scarborough at New England Cancer Specialist. I say "just" chemo like it's a walk in the park... but in relative terms I mean it was just a few hours at the office opposed to all day. This time we were trying to keep ahead of the side effects and I received fluids, anti-nausea and a steroid 3 times this week. I was still not eating with my normal appetite and having some side effects I'll spare you the details on... My energy was still low and emotions were all over the place. This week was a lot of trial and error with different medications and my body didn't seem to react well to ANYTHING. I felt scared that this was how the next 10 weeks were going to last... 

Week #3: again, just taxol. Still feeling how I did last week, but trying to keep positive. Lots of bloody noses. Lots of tears. I was having a little heart flutter so we got and EKG. All looked good but ANOTHER thing for me to "keep an eye on." Exhaustion. So much to think about. So much to keep track of. So much to feel. Just so much. Towards the end of the week I started to feel a little more "normal" and was able to get outside with family for snowshoeing! WOW! This was huge for me. I felt the most ME I've been in months! And then the guilt strikes. The guilt of feeling good and doing something for myself, when I should be working, or cleaning or taking care of the people around me. And here I am just selfishly taking care of myself... Thankfully my therapist helped me work through this, along with my family, to know this is the time to put ME first. This is okay to do thinks I want. This is the time to focus on self care. I am still working on this but this was the turning point for me.... My hair slowly started to come out a little more each day. Sunday I was in the shower, shaking as it was coming out. I yelled for help and was sobbed as Sam & my Mom helped me clean it up. Then reality strikes and it's back to Boston...

Week #4: we decided it was time for me to take a break from work to be able to focus on me. And when I say "we" I mean, my boss and I. So incredibly grateful for her and my team to be so supportive of me focusing on my health and recovery. Tuesday morning we made it to the gym before we hit the road for Dana Farber and although I have to scale most things it feels so good to feel "normal" and be with people, moving and sweating. This is my happy place. As we were quickly trying to get ready to hit the road, again - in the shower, clumps this time. Down my back, down my legs, stuck on my hands. Sobbing, yelling for Sam again to come save me. This time he couldn't stop it either. We were both just tangled up in it as it was filling the shower. I finally got dressed and in the car and it continued to just fall out all over me on the ride, and during treatment. I was so afraid to touch it know it's all dead... Luckily my hairdresser is one of my besties and she talked me through it and we made a plan to see how I felt after treatment and we would go from there. 

Our trip to Boston landed on Sam and my 3rd Maine-iversarry <3 (we legally got married in Maine but had our wedding in Mexico - usually we don't celebrate this day but holy heck I'm celebrating everything these days!!!). I am so grateful for this man to be my husband. Usually we go away somewhere warm to celebrate and this year, because of me we can't... I felt really sad about this, but you know what Sam said? "We get to spend all day together and we are still traveling, just to Boston!" Talk about an angel sent from above. So blessed for this man to be mine. 

On the way home we decided it was time. It may have been a little help by the drugs, but I felt strong enough to know I cannot wake up another morning in a bed of hair. It was my decision to say "see you later" to my hair. My hair has been my identity all my life. Cutting 18 inches off a few weeks ago was a HUGE step for me. I can't say I LOVED it, but I didn't hate it and that was enough. The tears immediately started when Erin began. I was so scared. What will I look like? Now I can't hide that I'm sick. SO many emotions. As she shaved the last piece I have to say, I felt so much sadness but also a weird sense of relief. Now I don't have to wonder WHEN it's going to fall out. It's gone and it's gone on my account.... It's only been a few days but I made myself get out of the house on Wednesday and Thursday I had appointments and I felt okay. I actually forgot about it a few times until someone look as you funny or I walk by a mirror. It's an adjustment, as all this is but I am looking at it as it is one step closer to being Cancer free.