Hi friends!

I know it's been a bit since my last post, but I've been a little busy graduating college! ;) I now have a Bachelor of Science in psychology. I always expected to get through college, no problem. But this last semester I wasn't so sure. So I'm pretty dang proud of myself for finishing out strong and graduating magna cum laude. Now that I'm out of school and unable to work, I have lots of free time on my hands, which means I have way too much time to think.

I will have my double mastectomy this Thursday, and boy am I feeling a whole lot of emotions. First and foremost, I am terrified. This is my first surgery, and it's not a small one. The procedure will last about 5 hours. I'm scared about being under anesthesia, scared that they won't be able to remove all the cancer, and I won't even say what I'm most scared of because I refuse to put that out into the universe. I'm also sad. I never thought I'd be losing both of my breasts at 21 years old. I've never been particularly fond of them, but they are a part of me and for some reason I've been feeling kind of sentimental about it. I'm nervous for how my self-image will be effected. After losing my hair, my self esteem plummeted. I know that losing my breasts will take another blow to my confidence. Of course, I know that hair and breasts don't make me any more of a woman. But they definitely supplement my confidence more than I ever knew.

I am really trying to remain confident that surgery day will be just fine, but I can't seem to stop the nerves.

Emotionally, I've been handling all of this pretty well up until a few days ago. Now that I have nothing to distract me, my thoughts seem deafening. This entire time I've been dreaming of the day that my life will go back to normal. Over the past few days I've realized that there is no "normal" after cancer. Not normal in the way that I had hoped at least. Of course, my hair will grow back, I'll have reconstruction surgery, and I'll hopefully be cancer free, but cancer will follow me forever. Every bump and bruise that I notice will send me into panic mode. Even when everything seems to be fine I'll fear that cancer is hiding, waiting for the perfect time to attack. I am not the same person that I was before my diagnosis, and I will never be that person again. This is not a bad thing. I've grown so much and gained more strength than I ever thought I had in me, but I can't help but miss the naive girl that I used to be.

It's been an emotion filled week for sure, but knowing that in a few days I'll be one step closer to the end of this battle helps calm me down. I will never let cancer define me, but it will forever be a part of my story.