Our November started with a quick family getaway to Washington DC and ended with a few more trips to Milwaukee than originally planned. Our time in DC and Virginia was brief but nice and I was able to tolerate walking Disney-level distances without much trouble as long as the terrain was flat and I didn't have to walk quickly. Steps and hills were much more challenging but we did it. And no one came home with Covid. 🙌

I feel like I've reached a plateau physically and am anxious to start the LiveStrong program at the Y in January so I can regain some strength and endurance. I can walk long distances, as long as I don't have to do it quickly or with any kind of incline. Picking up the pace leaves me winded, even for short distances like when trying to catch the notorious Bellin shuttle at the end of the day. I'm trying and don't want to miss out on things because of this. Ryan and I joined the boys and Gunner's cross country teammates/coach for the one-mile Santa Scamper in Appleton (they ran, we walked!). Gunner was proud of us for finishing in under 18 minutes. 🤨Next year I'm hoping to RUN it while decked out in all the festive garb. 🤶

November also included a few extra trips to Froedtert, some expected, some not. My wonderful OT has helped me gain back some mobility of my right shoulder and relieve some chest wall tightness that she believes was caused by fibrosis from radiation. These popped up after our trip to Seattle in September and just weren't improving. There is still quite a bit of swelling, but the other issues are getting much better after only a couple sessions. It's a long drive for an hour-long appointment, but I have had good company from my parents and it gave us a chance to celebrate Ava's birthday with a great breakfast. 🥞

My last OT session was followed by a routine screening MRI. My ongoing plan includes alternating between a mammogram and MRI every 6 months to keep an eye on things on my left/healthy side. I've had no recent issues on that side and was confident the MRI would be normal. The only time I wavered in that confidence was when the tech was walking me to the exit and stated he would make sure to get the images downloaded right away and asked me when my follow up appointment was. I initially didn't think much of it but as I walked to my parents, I wondered if he asked this because he saw something or if I was just reading too much into what he said (because the last year has been such a mind f*ck that it's hard not to do so). A screening MRI wouldn't need an appointment after, unless there was something to talk about, right?  We went home, knowing the wait would be 3-5 business days and sure enough, a few days later the results popped into my MyChart app as I was leaving work and mentioned an area suspicious for malignancy on my left side that would need a biopsy. My healthy side. The first thought in my head was just "Come ON!" 😔I shed some tears, hugged the fam and came up with all kinds of questions for Dr. Kong and Dr. Karkera. 

I spoke with Dr. Kong's nurse practitioner the following morning and got the details. She was reassuring and said MRI's pick up so many things and often these areas will turn out to be benign hormonal changes. This was exactly what I wanted and needed to hear. That the likelihood that I could be starting this whole ridiculous process all over again was not a sure thing. And then came the "but." But with my history...

The earliest appointment for biopsy was 9 days out. I felt better after talking to the NP, but waiting 9 days and then another 2-3 for results is rough. While I did feel confident this was all going to come out ok, this  cemented the plan for having the left mastectomy sooner rather than later. No more scans that lead to scares and biopsies and more tests and 🤮. I'm done with all that. I asked to skip the MRI-guided biopsy and go straight to surgery, but Dr. Kong needs the biopsy results so she knows if anything needs to be done with my lymph nodes during the surgery. So the biopsy wasn't negotiable.

I was thankful for the distraction of Thanksgiving during the wait for my appointment as it made the days go by much more quickly. We ventured out early this morning and had the biopsy done by an excellent radiologist, Dr. England. She and her team were wonderful...so thorough and loving and pleasant.  Prior to the procedure, Dr. England said she had a fairly low suspicion that this would be malignant (yay!)...but then came the "but." But with my history... 

The procedure went well and besides being tired from our early start to the day and just a little sore, I'm no worse for the wear. The wait is going to be the tough part. Again. My gut says all is fine and the reassurance I've gotten from Dr. Kong's NP and Dr. England have helped that. Nothing like last time where I knew. I just knew. That being said, I've felt an unexplained hesitancy to make certain plans and decisions lately, even before I knew I needed the biopsy. I kept thinking, "Just wait until after the MRI." I had no reason to think this, or to be suspicious and I truly was not, but something kept telling me not to look past this. I'm hopeful that the hesitancy was due to needing the biopsy and scheduling surgery and nothing more. It has to be and I truly feel it will be. But...

During the procedure today I felt what I can only describe as a shift. I was saying a prayer and started with the usual...asking for a smooth procedure and benign results. But something stopped me and switched the focus of my prayer from results to just feeling ok with whatever happens. Now and going forward. I prayed for God to continue to place the right people around me and to give me whatever and whomever I need to deal with whatever comes next. And it felt ok, peaceful even. I think praying to be"ok" and cancer-free was me still trying to stay in control of what my life will be. Instead, I realized I need to let go and truly trust that whatever His plan is, now and in the future, I just want to be at peace with it. So whatever it takes to get there, that's what I will pray for.  And if that plan includes a negative biopsy, all the better. 

Dr. England said we could get preliminary results sooner than the 2-3 day turnaround time. I'm assuming "preliminary results" would be a simple benign vs malignant notification with specifics of cell types coming later. The wait part sucks and knowing it's 2-3 business days means the wait could be as long as Monday.  As much as I do not want another surgery right now, I don't ever want to walk through this part again. 

Thank you to those who have checked in on us this past week, especially today and especially those who were with me when I first read my results and the day after when this all felt so heavy and like a slap in the face. My head and heart are in a much better place now and I'm ready for whatever comes next. I have some routine appointments/labs with Dr. Karekera and cardiology coming up, and a colonoscopy in a couple weeks (just because I'm old now). I've been tolerating my meds fairly well but am still trying to figure out a pattern to some morning nausea and random lower GI stuff. Sometimes eating makes it worse, sometimes an empty belly makes me vomit...should make the colonoscopy prep interesting! It's better than it was so I'm thankful for that. Although sometimes when I have a good day, and feel even remotely human, I worry that the meds aren't working any more. There's that mind f*ck again.

I'm super thankful that I was able to join our families for Thanksgiving and for some holiday traditions that I missed so much last year. All these things mean so much more now and even though I'm not 100%, it's been nice to be back in the game a bit. One of the biggest challenges is trying to make the most out of the time we have right now yet making the right choices to stay healthy and secure for all the what-if's. Working on letting my guard down, trusting and exhaling more often. Just need to hear fewer of those "but"s...