Tomorrow is Karson’s 20th birthday. Any celebration has me thinking of Kamryn a lot more than I typically do. She simply loved life and any reason to celebrate! I miss her enthusiasm about celebrations.
Things that have run through my mind lately…..
-it’s the most mundane tasks that I struggle with the most. I cleaned my pantry over spring break, and throwing Kamryn’s soup that expired was tough. I almost just kept it there because it reminded me of some things she liked. I don’t want to forget the little things. I even took a silly picture of soup cans, so I can always have it. It made me feel better about throwing them.
-There is no rule that two people can’t be in pain at the same time. While talking to others, I’ve had so many people apologize to me & say things like, “I know this nothing compared to what you went through.” Let’s not compare our pain. Life just sucks sometimes, and it’s really okay to tell me about it.
-Too much change overwhelms me more than I ever thought possible. I think it’s because sometimes I feel the world is going so fast around me, and I want things to be the same so memories of Kamryn keep popping in my head. Now that those silly soup cans are gone, I will no longer be reminded of how much she loved soup every time I walk in the pantry. I like seeing the low bathroom sink and remembering how she did everything one handed and all alone the last few months and how there’s this area on the bathroom wall her wheelchair hit. I never want to forget the little things, and I’m so afraid I will. I want to freeze time. It breaks my heart all over again when I remember something I hadn’t thought about in a while. Recently, someone posted something about Hamburger Helper, and it reminded me how many weekends Kamryn cooked several boxes of Hamburger Helper for her and the boys to eat on during the week. It made me laugh and sad at the same time. I don’t want to forget a thing, but I’m scared I’m already forgetting.
-When does this brain fog get better??? Someone mentioned to me that my brain is trying to hold onto every memory of Kamryn & it doesn’t want to remember anything else. That sure seems like a reasonable explanation because my brain is truly different. Everything about me is different.
-when Kamryn first passed away, Thursdays were hard because she passed away on a Thursday. I counted the weeks. After a while, the 5th was hard because it was a new month. I guess since it made a year, the 5th doesn’t get me down like it used to. I don’t even think March 5 stuck out in my mind as another month since she’s gone. I cannot say the grief has gotten better because it’s hurts so much every single minute of every day, but I think I’m better at living with the pain. I cry a lot more now, which makes me feel better. Some days a good cry gets me back in the right mindset. Weird, I know.
-a new favorite thought, “I choose to be strong and courageous even when I’m feeling weak.”
-widow-spouse passed
Orphan-parents passed
??? What do you call it when your child passes? If there is a word, it sure isn’t common because it really shouldn’t happen
I know this post is all over the place, but those are just some random thoughts I’ve been having. Overall, I think we are all doing well, and I thank God every single day for that. The enemy creeps in my head every now and then, trying to keep me in bed having a pity party, but after some prayer time, God has always won & he will continue to win. He is faithful and loves us all.
“I will walk by FAITH even when I cannot see.”
2 Corinthians 5:7
- I thought
