I haven't written anything for a long time- it feels strange to now that it has been so many months and so much has changed. In July I was lucky enough to find a new surgeon, who has been such a massive improvement in so many ways. In August I learned that my ankle (my tibia to be exact) had become pretty severely infected. All of the hardware had failed, and a decent amount of bone had to be removed. It was dead and covered in pus- much worse than we were expecting. I had two surgeries to get the hardware and infected bone out, and had an external fixator placed on my foot and leg. It looked much cooler than it felt.

After some IV antibiotics (which I was allergic to), oral antibiotics, another surgery for biopsies, and a lot of reading, I had what we hope is the last big surgery on my ankle, at least for a while. The most surprising part of all of this was how calm I felt after learning how screwed up my ankle was. I think before that, I was nose-deep in research, decision-making, appointments, switching surgeons. I felt like I had lots of options and I had to make the right choice. I considered traveling out of state to see ankle-replacement gurus, though I wanted to stick with the surgeon I found here. It was all I could think about or read about, and I was researching in every moment I could find as soon as I woke up and into the night on most days.

By the time I had the second clean-out surgery, I was ready to accept that fusion was the only option worth considering, before amputation. Of course there are always more possibilities, but my surgeon consulted with several others, and I felt confident it wasn't worth traveling to get more opinions. Suddenly all I had to think about was getting through the next few months and the next big surgery. No thoughts about the future. I had some sweet time with visiting friends and family, even if I was mostly napping and watching The Mandalorian. 

I had decided before that I would never fuse my ankle. That I would rather amputate my leg than try it. After many, many hours of research, talking with amputees, looking for fusion success stories, I changed my mind. In the end, I can always amputate if I need to, and after the conversations I had I feel hopeful that it wouldn't be the worst thing. But I thought it would be wise to try one more surgery first.

My surgeon was happy with how my ankle turned out. They harvested bone from the core of my femur to fill in the gaps in my tibia, and used a plate to keep my tibia fastened to my talus (foot) while all the bone heals. They had to put a rod in my femur when the tools made some parts of the bone a bit too thin (to put it simply), so now I'm more symmetrical from at least. I told my surgeon I would try to get a sponsorship from the medical device company that makes the rods and nails I now have in both femurs.

I was surprised at how low I've felt since that last surgery. I think it helped to have another procedure coming up- to feel this phase is temporary and all I have to think about is the next month or two. Now I feel the permanence of this more acutely. My right knee is the new distraction for research and appointments, but reading about the long-term effects of that injury hasn't lifted my spirits. I'm trying to keep thinking one day at a time, and as I get my energy back I'm trying to get back to playing music and doing the exercises I can. I'm thinking about what I'd like to study if I go back to school, and where I'd like to volunteer once I'm not on crutches. I'm enjoying time with my family.

At some point I'll start looking for those inspiring stories about people who were most passionate about getting outside and pushing themselves, who had to change their lifestyle after a big accident. Once I can move around more easily and go outside I'm sure things will feel a little better. For now I'm just grateful for my amazing family, and friends who still ask about all this even though it's all I've talked about for ten months now. I hope you all are getting some rest and love.