“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
– Matthew 5:4

This past year I attended three funerals for unexpected loss. Although loss is never easy for a family, these hit me harder this year.

Maybe the reason is while attending these funerals and seeing the look on the faces of the loved ones left behind, it brought back memories of me, 20 weeks pregnant with Mara. It brought me back to the time I heard phrases like “trisomy 18,” and “life limiting,” and “fetal demise.” I imagine my face carried some of the same images on the faces I saw at these funerals.

Or perhaps the reason these funerals hit harder for me is because I continue to learn that loss can happen to anyone, at any time, in the most unexpected circumstances. In an instant your world as you know it can be shattered.

Or possibly the reason I cried more is because I miss those who died too, a lot. I continue to think more about circumstances that I can no longer change when it comes to those beautiful lives lost. And I feel helpless.

Helpless is how I felt at this time five years ago as we awaited our little Mara’s arrival. And as I picture a five-year-old girl living in my home, I simply can’t imagine how she would be with three brothers. Maybe she’d play rough with them as they so often do, or maybe she and I would simply smile and shake our heads while we continued baking our favorite Christmas treats. Either way, I picture her here, happy and healthy.

The truth is I KNOW she’s happy and healthy; she’s just not here. And I KNOW that she is celebrating yet another Christmas with Jesus. And this year, she’s celebrating alongside friends I lost this year.

My favorite part about my Mara Joy is that she is still such a brilliant light in my heart, even though the hole in my heart is there too. My Mara gets to enjoy paradise. And that’s what this is all about. Sharing our newborn King with those we love THE MOST and looking forward to the time we get to spend together again.

Thank you for your memory, Mara, and for helping me keep my eyes on what really matters this season.