I'll tell you the grooviest thing that a group of females ever did for me ... they saved my life. Not in one huge defining moment, but in small day to day acts of service and by doing their jobs efficiently while going above and beyond.  When I first notified my nurse practitioner about my lump, she did not have any openings for almost 3 months. She squeezed me in that same week on a Friday after her clinic was over.  She immediately felt it and said "It's probably nothing but that definitely wasn't there 5 months ago when I did your last breast exam so let's get you a mammogram and ultrasound to play it safe". Then the Rad tech who was doing my mammogram 2 weeks later walked me over to the next room to further examine things with an ultrasound when she realized the mammogram wasn't detecting the lump that she also very clearly felt. She grabbed the radiologist who was walking out for the day to do the ultrasound and just get it done. He said the same thing ... "it's probably nothing but I don't want to take any chances" (yay men!) and referred me for my core biopsy. I could see the nod of approval from the rad tech when he referred me on for more imaging.  Looking back on it, the same day the radiologist was performing my biopsy, she was warning me without actually saying that I had cancer. She could tell. She was telling me to get my ducks in a row if this didn't turn out to be good news .... she told me to spend the weekend researching all the doctors who could potentially be involved in my care. As I was getting ready to leave, she said "go do your homework and I'll call you first thing Monday with results".  Less than 24 hrs later (Friday night), I got the phone call that changed my life. My nurse practitioner personally called me and spoke to me for over an hour. She spoke confidently with much needed empathy. She gave me a list of names (and every single physician has panned out to be amazing). Within 3 weeks from the time I found my lump, my cancer was detected. 6 weeks after that I had my bilateral mastectomy. 4 weeks after that I began chemo. And that was all moving as fast as I and everyone else possibly could. I am about to celebrate my 40th birthday next week because this line of women ALL did the right thing. They listened to me, they took me seriously, they played everything safe ... they did everything right. Each one of them went above and beyond. 

I was speaking to a co-worker last month and I mentioned that I just don't know if I am ready to be a good partner in a relationship anytime soon. My last big relationship fizzled before it really got off the ground but looking back on it I genuinely and very purposefully made myself vulnerable and put myself out there. And I don't regret it. I was being the Caroline that typically existed in relationships ... thoughtful, caring, compassionate, fun, creative, communicative and loving. When my relationship ended, I really took a look at everything and wondered if maybe I am meant to do life by myself. Shortly after that, I left for my 2 week Italy trip with one of my best friends and had the time of my life. I was really happy and content to take the trip just the 2 of us and have girl's time. When I returned, I really thought long and hard about dating. Some days I am very ready and others I really appreciate coming home to my cute little studio and just relaxing with me, myself and I. I enjoy doing my own thing and being on my own time. And sometimes I really do love having a partner ... someone to share my passions and ideas with. Someone to lean on and allow them to lean on me in return. Someone to share my secrets with, dance with, travel with, act goofy with. My co-worker told me something that I really took to heart when I was expressing all of this. She said very seriously "Caroline, you have always been an amazing friend and having that foundation is everything ... if you can be the girlfriend that you are to your friends, I have no doubt that you will be that girlfriend/partner when the right person comes along". I am not in any rush by any means. I know that I have been through SO MUCH in the last 5 years and it is going to take a very strong, confident and capable man to understand and respect all that I have been through. But what my co-worker/friend said really got me thinking ... I have always gotten the "friend" thing right. Always. And that doesn't mean I haven't come up short at times or made mistakes, but I have always approached my friends in those times with love, gratitude, communication and apology. Being a good friend takes sacrifice. Lots of late nights, looking after children, being there for them when the time is not the easiest for you, cooking, cleaning, travel, honesty and effort. People have often commented "oh you have so many good friends" and all I can respond with is a smile and a "yes, I do". I know how lucky I am for my amazing friends. I really hit the jackpot with them. I have also put in that effort. Lots of time, travel, communication, empathy, love and so on. I think Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City said it best ... something along the lines of "what if we are each other's soulmates?" referring to her and her 3 best friends, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha. Do I hope to be in a solid relationship again one day? I do. But for now and possibly forever, I am absolutely content traveling the world, working all my side hustles and being my goofy self with my girlfriends by my side. They understand me, they have faith in me, they make the effort to see me, and they love me. They have gotten me through these last 5 years, all the messiness and the subsequent joy. They have not judged but rather extended hard truths and stood by me while I cried out in despair. Quite literally. And they will all be with me this weekend as we begin the 40th birthday celebrations and I can't quite put into words how wonderful that makes me feel. If I never do anything right or well again in my life, I am damn proud of the friend I have been to others throughout my life and the friendships I have earned in return. Amy, Jen, Nikki, Anna, Karrie, Laura, Aubrey, Lacey, Adriana, Kristen, Megan and Sonja ... thank you. Good god I hope I am not forgetting any names here, please forgive me if I have. Thank you all for your fun, for your grace, for your honesty and for simply being you. Holly, Kimery, Jessie, Katie and Liz ... I am so grateful I have been connected with you in these last few years. Cheers to amazing new women being put into my life. More blessings. My girlfriends are my greatest gift. 

Speaking of good girlfriends ... this brings me to the topic of ... The power of SHE ... Want to know how to have good girlfriends? Be one. Want to know how to be a strong, faithful, powerful, confident, take no shit while being graceful woman? Be one. It takes a lot of effort and courage, but I promise you it is worth it. One thing I am very honestly tired of is seeing women (of all ages) put other women down. Lots of them do it. And while they are doing it guess who is getting ahead? Men. All the men who are labeled as running this "man's world" we supposedly live in. Please don't get me wrong ... are there men out there who are chauvinistic, narcissistic, abusive, conniving, and the list goes on? .... of course. And some of them have stomped on women and held them back throughout life. But in my 40 years of life, the number one factor that I have witnessed holding women back is .... WOMEN. We judge each other, we talk poorly about each other, we connivingly do things and throw other women under the bus, and we are competitive in non healthy ways. For some reason a very common theme that resonates within the female world is the thought that "if she wins it means I fail". Nonsense. There is enough space in this world for us all to win. I wholeheartedly believe that. Being a supporter and cheerleader of my friends, sisters, coworkers, even strangers I pass throughout the day ... has literally brought me so much joy. Watching my best friends succeed has been amazing. Helping them when they haven't has been just as important. When you see another female struggling, help her. Instead of standing there judging and being critical, help her. As I go around running my Christmas errands I really wish I could just monetarily pay it forward to the woman behind me in line or the single moms around my neighborhood or at work who I know are struggling. I can't. But what I CAN do is extend a smile, give a warm hug, pay a compliment or at least nod and let them know they are seen and they are doing a great job. Example: I was at the post office yesterday and a woman with a young boy was having to put back a bunch of boxes and change plans because the initial charge was too much for her. The post office was packed with the usual holiday rush and there were a few people clearly showing their irritation with her and the space and time she was taking up. She turned around flustered and dropped 2 big boxes spilling all of the contents out onto the floor. Not one person helped her. As soon as I paid for my stuff, I turned around and helped her pick it up all up and we moved over to the side. I had some extra masking tape in my car and ran out and grabbed it. In less than 5 minutes I helped her reorganize everything, pack it all up and get it up to the counter. You would have thought I handed her $1000 the way she responded. A little empathy and a little time out of your day goes a long way. And it just makes you feel good. That was simple. Just like all the little things my healthcare professionals did for me the weeks leading up to my diagnosis were simple. But they did what was simple to them in an efficient and compassionate way and I am still breathing and kicking and able to tell you about it. Simple, small acts of service. I by no means want to put men down here. There are amazing men out there who are kind, compassionate, strong, family men, caretakers, and the list goes on. But women by nature have this unique ability to care, to love, to nurture, to bring life into this world, to have this 6th sense when it comes to checking on people, to be strong and confident while also being graceful, to bring just enough emotion and empathy into a difficult situation to result in a great outcome. We mediate well, we have insane intuition. We should be proud of those things and use those qualities to the best of our ability. The power of being female is a beautiful thing. I am proud to be a strong woman. Many days I am sad that I didn't get to raise my strong, confident, sweet Georgia, but I still put love and light out into this world in the place I hold for her and who she would have been. I know without a doubt I would have raised her to be all the things I have spoken of and I would hope that she would surround herself with the same kind of friends I have been fortunate to. Please, let us lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. We will never be on the same playing field as men in the workforce, out in the community and as leaders in all industries/aspects of life until we start doing that on the regular. To be female is to be beautiful, strong and confident. And to allow space for all of the others to succeed. To rejoice in their successes. To be there for them when they fail. To lean on each other. To emulate those we find things we adore in, rather than crush out of jealousy. 

Spreading the power of SHE ... Three women in my life who have lifted me up and own small businesses that I would like to spread the word about ... Christina Epps, aka Craft Fitness Denver - she has been my personal trainer for a few years now. She's amazing, she creates kick ass workouts, she adjusts her workouts well when you have injuries and she overall is simply a badass supporter of other women. Go see her all of you who have been asking me about her!  Ayme Austin, aka Ruby Fox (now mostly Steamboat but Denver one long weekend a month) - Ayme has been my aesthetician for almost 15 years now. She gives the best facials, peels, and does the most amazing brow wax/tints, you name it! She offers more in depth services as well and is an amazing human. Book early with her if you are seeing her in Denver since her time here is limited. Side note: Amy gifted my ex husband a facial for some calm and therapy after taking care of me through 5 surgeries, chemo, radiation, the works. She is the perfect example of promoting women while still recognizing that men play a wonderful and important role in our lives as well. Last but not least ... Moira Gadzic, aka MG Tailoring. Best tailor EVER. I had a personal referral to Moira when I was in a bind a few years ago. You cannot tell half the time that she has even altered your clothes. She is THAT good. She also has a fashion design background so her eye is always big picture, not just hemming your pants :) She has transitioned dresses that no longer fit into fun tops, she has changed the look and fit of some jeans and phenomenal outfits so I can revamp and keep using instead of buy more. Her eye is impeccable. Go see these women!!! 

Thank you all so much for always letting me ramble and following my journey. As I near closer and closer to my 5 year surveillance window my posts will happen less. When I do post, I hope to share more about wellness, health, recipes, advocacy, new technologies I discover in this crazy world of breast cancer and healthcare overall, and I hope to answer more questions and be a voice for the people who need it most. I truly believe that living my life to the fullest and doing consistent things on a daily basis with conviction has helped me get back to my true self. I am so grateful for this second chance at life and all the new discoveries along the way. I truly appreciate you all for your well wishes, celebrations of my small victories, and most importantly for your honesty. Dr. Sara Cheng has still always said it best ... Authenticity over Approval. Be you ... unashamed and authentic. You will do your best work and discover the greatest things about yourself while paving your own way and not worrying about what everyone else thinks or wasting your time trying to blend in. Another badass woman, physician, photographer, and the list could go on :) I will take authenticity over approval every damn day of the week. All my love. 

C

5 songs: No Doubt - Just a girl, Katy Perry - Roar, Joe Cocker - With a little help from my friends, The Apalachicola Sound - Cost, The Nixons - Sister