I don’t know how to post about this very often because I feel like it’s not what anyone wants to hear, and it’s not what I want to tell you or how I want to be. Because I’ve had only a handful of hours in the past 6 months that I wasn’t in crushing debilitating pain, which is just as miserable as it sounds. 

I’ve been to so many doctors and specialists that they’ve started to run together in my mind... I’m *finally* being referred to spine specialists. After months of insisting this is a structural instability issue in my cervical spine. I know it is, I can feel it. But a dozen doctors and half a dozen sets of imaging later, I have referrals for Peachtree Spine, Shepherd Center and Mayo Clinic Spine Center. 

For the most part, I’d been keeping my head above water emotionally, until November hit... I feel like I’ve been drowning since then, like I’m being swallowed whole by immense riptides of grief and pain and frustration. I’ve spent the past 6 months lying down on ice packs, taking handfuls of meds multiple times a day, suffering too much to focus on anything productive like reading or writing or making things. 

The pain when I’m upright is all-encompassing, it’s like my neck can’t support the weight of my head. If I’m lucky, I may get 15 or 20 minutes before all my limbs are tingling and I’m pouring cold sweat and desperate to lie back down. I’m trying to get disability but it’s a lengthy and unpredictable process. And I’m hoping that this isn’t what the rest of my life will look like. But I’m scared. 

I’m deeply grateful for the friends who have taken me in and helped transport my son so that I still get to spend time with him, and for everyone who has contributed to keeping me fed and afloat during this terribly uncertain time. I hope you all know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done and continue to do to help me survive this. I’m sorry I don’t tell you more often how much your support means to me. All of you. 

I’m ashamed to admit how broken and defeated I’ve been feeling lately, how many pillows I’ve soaked with tears, which is why you haven’t heard much from me in a while.... I do hope to come out of this stronger. I do hope to come out of it... I do hope to... I do hope. I do. 

Thank you again for all you’ve done and continue to do to help me through this. Thank you, and I really miss my mom. I love you guys. Holidays are hard. 

www.gofundme.com/help-jo-heal