Hi friends,
Can you believe it's been 1 year.  A year ago, today we laid my sweet John to rest, the most wonderful, son, brother, friend, brother-in-law, husband and father you could know.  The memories of that day and the months that followed aren't super clear.  I felt like I was sleepwalking for a long time. Yesterday the girls and I got home from another busy day.  All of a sudden, I started singing "on top of spaghetti"... I wasn't sure where that came from, and Annie reminded me that daddy sang that to her all the time.  In fact, his nickname for her was "meatball" because she had such a round little baby face that would get so red when she was mad.  She and I enjoyed sharing that memory.  And that is what we need to all do- remember him.  Talk about him.  Don't forget the wonderful things he did and the impact he made on this world.  Over the course of the year so many people have reached out with memories of how he impacted their life.  He did so much in 47 years.  He left a giant hole in so many hearts.  Sometimes, it has just unbearable to feel the ache, the empty arms, the silence in this house.  I remember just after we found out that his situation was dire, I told him I was really angry with God.  The look on his face was so sad, he looked at me with those loving, beautiful eyes and said "I know where I am going, and God and I don't want you to be angry".  His faith in our creator was so pure.  I have come across so many things he wrote over the years that display his deep love for Jesus.  And that has brought so much comfort.
During this past year I have talked to God so much.  My prayers have been very honest.  I shared with Him that trust has been very hard for me.  The "whys" and "what ifs" can consume your mind.  But during these honest prayers I have heard Jesus speak to me... I have moments of clarity that I know are from God.  I have understood that God has not abandon me or the kids. I understand that there is no answer to "Why" that could ever satisfy me on this side of heaven but that HE has plans for us "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".  I understand that my purpose right now is to focus on my kids- and they are coping so well.  They have been happy and successful in their school and activities.  They have plans and hope for the future.  Timmy is living in Savannah working for the Mariott company- a graduate on Concordia University Ann Arbor.  Zachary is attending Appalachian State University majoring in history with the goal of becoming a high school history teacher.  Maggie is a sophomore at an academically gifted high school. She is so busy with Navy ROTC, school senate, working at our local theater among other things.  She and Zach are leaving for Costa Rica Saturday for a mission trip this Saturday.  They will be working with people in the jungle- delivering food to hard to access places, doing a VBS for 80 kids and putting in a concrete sidewalk.  Annie is thriving in 4th grade and still riding horses every chance she gets.  She is also a member of chorus and the archery club.  Aidan is 21 now and overall doing well.  I am applying to Frontier School of midwifery with plans to start classes in April.  I know that John would be so proud of us.  And I am sure John is shaking his head laughing that we adopted another cat, dog and 14 chickens (that brings the total to 5 cats, 4 dogs (460 pounds of dog) and 26 chickens).  

So, we carry on, we move forward.  A year ago it didn't seem like this would be possible.  The pain of loss was so intense.  And still thoughts and memories will bring me to my knees.  But I remind myself that John was my greatest blessing that I wouldn't trade 1 second of the time I got with him.  I am so glad we rushed into marriage.  We were married 6 months after we met.  I knew within days that he was the man for me.  I remember telling him right after we met that he felt so familiar.  Deciding to get married was one of the easiest decisions I ever made.  23 years wasn't enough- but I am blessed that I was loved and able to love someone so much.  I know we will be together again.  I know that grief will be easier to deal with as time goes on- but it will always be with me and with the kids and those that knew him.  And as our pastor said 1 year ago- "let his life makes us better not bitter".  And in the words of Chris Stapleton from Halos:

"don't go looking for the reasons,
don't go asking Jesus why
We're not meant to know the answers
they belong to the by and by"

Sending you all my love friends,
Jen