As most of you already know, John passed away yesterday afternoon.  I was with him and can say that as far as those things go it really was peaceful.  It was so peaceful in fact, I wasn't even certain and had to leave the room after a few minutes to tell the nurse and Jim I thought he was gone.  As much as it hurts all of us to lose him, there is real relief he didn't have to suffer for an extended time trying to keep ahead of the pain on palliative care or with hospice.  

You may wonder why you didn't know more. I can only say that is exactly how John wanted it.  We knew back in Sept that this likely wasn't going to end well, and would probably come in a short time period.  When I suggested letting his friends know, he rejected that, at times saying, "They have their own lives," and I think he didn't want to cause others to worry when worrying wouldn't fix anything.  

John's dear friend Nancy shared a memory with me about a time when both their lives were torn apart at the same time, and he'd visit and simply sit on the couch watching the Mets while she went about her day cooking and cleaning.  There wasn't much talking, they were alone but together.  And that's so John, especially when he has something heavy on his mind. 

His next appointment was going to be Monday.  He was supposed to decide between palliative care, hospice, or taking the risk of immunotherapy which could very well have made him feel much worse than he already did.  Knowing John and his need for solitude and quiet when making grave decisions, it makes sense to me why he resisted having visitors.  I also believe he thought he had more time, that once he made his decision on a course of action and felt a little better, he could then schedule people to come over.  Life rarely works out as we want it to.

I won't disturb you with specific details, but his last night was fairly rough although he was still able to give me orders, and did.  It progressed through the morning to the point where he could no longer tell me what he wanted or needed and the 1:00 o'clock nurse visit felt like an eternity away.  Sweet Jim, already grieving the fresh loss of his beloved wife Amy, arrived and took over.  That was such a relief to me.  He was communicating with the nurse who finally arrived and an oncologist via phone, making plans for what they could get there to make him comfortable, while I was in with John and he took his last breath.   

All decisions were made without anyone needing to decide anything.  The suddenness of it even took the professionals by surprise.

Cancer is evil.  It robs people of everything they hold dear.  The only thing John had control over was who knew what and when, so I participated in that.  That was the only thing I could give him, besides my never-ending love.