Journal entry by Nan Fischer —
Today would’ve been John’s 65th birthday. I’ve composed this final Caring Bridge post countless times in my head, and I hope you’ll appreciate my whittled down version. Here’s a bit about him, and me, and us, and you.
I’ll start with you, dear readers, and I’ll begin with a regret. I’m a Type Four (per my very favorite personality assessment, the Enneagram), and Fours habitually focus first on what’s missing. What was missing from John’s almost perfect memorial service was that I didn’t think to ask one of his Omya colleagues to speak. How do I explain a brain cramp of that magnitude? Can I blame it on my brother-in-law’s discovery of a snake under our treadmill? Or water cascading through the kitchen ceiling from a leaky pipe in the guest bathroom above? The curve balls kept coming at me in the days immediately following John’s death, but really, this oversight is unforgivable. I hope you will grant me pardon, each of you who worked with him during his 20-year tenure. I’m not sure he will!
John spent most of his birthdays working, and happily. He was in Switzerland the day he turned 60, and his team there hosted a surprise dinner party in his honor. How he was able to bring the gorgeous 13” hand forged chef’s knife they gifted him with onto his Delta flight home remains a troubling mystery! John considered his colleagues friends, almost without exception. When he would share his supreme annoyance with a co-worker’s decision or direction, I’d commiserate and demote that person in my mind to “not worthy.” A week later, he’d be singing that offender’s praises. “Wait a minute,” I’d say, “I thought you didn’t like/respect him/her!” Confused and then vexed, he’d reply, “What are you talking about??” All this to say, he loved working with you, and he loved you ~ your strengths and your shortcomings.
During his birthday week in 2017, John was in Santa Barbara, California, at the Hudson Institute of Coaching’s LifeForward program. I served as a lead coach and facilitator for that program for many years, but with John in the participant mix, I gave him his space that session and stayed home. LifeForward is the gateway to Hudson’s coaching certification, which he completed a year later. Last week I found the vision board he built during that program for his next life chapter, filled with evocative photos and post-it notes describing the steps necessary to achieve his dreams and goals.
One of John’s “to-do’s” (which he did) was to project out to the year 2050 our income and expenses. He proudly showed me his double-wide spreadsheet, and said, “This takes you to age 94 and me to 95, honey. Do you think I should calculate it out five more years?” To which I replied, “For you, definitely. You’ve got those blue zone genes. Didn’t one of your Greek great-uncles live to 108? I’ll be long gone by 2050.” That spreadsheet surfaced a few days ago, tucked in a folder with catalogs for a greenhouse, beer brewing equipment, and airbnb homes on the Greek island of Ikaria. On his LifeForward plan was a six-week stay there in late August and all of September 2020 to celebrate our 40th anniversary and his retirement. I treasure the planner that he was, and it crushes me to know how hard it was for my guy to slowly, bravely, sadly let it all go.
Tomorrow will be my 50th day as a widow. I now know how those Oscar winners feel when they try to thank everyone in two minutes or less. This unspeakably hard journey was, and is, made less miserable by many people loving us in a multitude of ways. If I used this forum to express my gratitude to each of you, you’d be reading until Thanksgiving. Instead, I’ll audaciously make yet another request. If you worked with John and can share specific stories of your adventures and observations, either privately or posted here, I’d love that. He was a Type Eight on the Enneagram, with a “control freak” streak, so even your dust-ups with Mr. Large & In Charge would delight me! As I work my way through the boxes brought from his office ~ his binders and books, photos and notes ~ I’m discovering much about his working life that I didn’t know about or fully appreciate, focused as I was on my own captivating career. Those anecdotes really buoy me now.
In her book "Transcending Loss", Ashley Davis Bush writes: “Grieving is not a short-term process. It’s not even a long-term process. It’s a lifelong process...Your grief will become incorporated into your life history, become a part of your identity. And you will continue now, and forever, to redefine your relationship with your deceased loved one. Death doesn’t end the relationship, it simply forges a new type of relationship ~ one based not on physical presence but on memory, spirit, and love.”
Thank you for your memories of John, your uplifting of my spirit, and your love.
XOXO Lynn
P.S. And Nan Fischer, thank you for nudging me to set up this site, holding my hand through the tricky tech stuff, and taking over when I was tuckered out. It was the very best thing I could've done for my husband. Each night, before praying together, I would read the new comments to him posted by his beloved circle. That ritual became the best part of his day, which made it a joy for me. Thank you for knowing that would be true long before I did.
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