Something I’ve learned through the loss of John, is that you don’t just lose your person. There are so many losses that come along with losing your person that you don’t necessarily think about. 

A few examples of those things:

Family vacations. We leave for Disney a week from today. I have lots of feelings about this trip. Of course I am excited. But I’m also anxious. I’ve never, ever done anything like this without him. I’m sad. I know that I’m going to miss him like crazy while trying to enjoy this time with my kids and Brooklynn (who is basically one of my kids at this point). One of the days that we will be there would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary. I have so many feelings about celebrating that without him. But we will. Just like we did his birthday. 

The pure joy that is summer break.  Tomorrow is the last day of school.  Typically, one of my favorite days of the year.  But this year, it’s clouded with the realization that we are finishing our first school year without John.  He died three days before Joseph started his freshman year.  Joseph completed his entire freshman year without his dad.  Patrick will be home from his sophomore year of college at the end of the week.  He’ll start his dream job next month. He’ll never get to tell his dad how amazing it is.  

Yourself.  Sometimes I feel like a stranger to myself.  You simply cannot go through something like this and come out the other side of it and be the same person.  The changes aren’t necessary bad.  But they can definitely take some figuring out.  I’m leaving a job I’ve been at for six years.  Tomorrow is my last day.  And even though I knew when I made the decision to go, that it was the right thing for me, I really only came to terms with it today.  I didn’t even realize that I was holding onto some sadness and guilt over leaving, until I suddenly wasn’t.  This is absolutely not a change that I EVER thought that I would make.  But I have changed so completely that I am no longer capable of doing it at the level that I did previously.  

There are so many more.  These are just the ones that are showing themselves this week.  Here’s to a peaceful and calm summer.