One year ago today John left this earthly realm. I have been writing and reflecting on this day, this year for the past few months. So hard to put everything in writing.

There is so much to learn about grief and I am becoming an expert..that’s the mental health clinician ( and client). It helps to know about anticipation grief ~sometimes the time leading up to a significant anniversary can be worse than the actual date~, ambush grief~ being caught off guard by a song, that special brand of cereal at the grocery store-, grief brain~”what was doing,saying…where did I put____?” Resiliency and grief..there is a book for that..Grief is not linear..each day, each moment is different. 

Years ago, when I was facing a difficult challenge, I told John I wasn’t strong enough to meet this difficult situation. John told me that I was the strongest person he knew. When he was diagnosed with cancer, I had to reach deep for strength  to accept the news and care for him. And after he left this earthly realm, when I expected all my strength to be depleted, I had to find the strength and courage to move forward in this life without my beloved soulmate. 

When John crossed over, I thought our life together ended too soon. We had more memories to make. Sorting through photographs, music, etc, I realize how rich our life has been, still ,we had more memories to make. I am carrying on and making those memories in John’s spirit, leaving a little bit of John along the way.

John’s spirit is with me, I know…sometimes his presence is so strong. The universe presents me with signs that John is always with me, but I miss his physical presence. I     miss the thrill of running into John in a store (we always hugged as if we hadn’t seen each other in days ), passing him in his car,waking up hearing his key in the front door when he came home from a gig. I miss our life.

Nothing is as good, like it use to be. My soul is void of joy, passion. This grief is a weight that is constant, but I show up…I get up each morning, do chores, go out with friends, carry on and I grow weary, I rest and rise again.

I am learning. Learning how to move through this strange, unsettled life. Maybe one day it will feel familiar,real.

 I am learning ,relearning about doing all those things around the house and resolving to ask for help when I need it. Relying on others, asking for help, being vulnerable, that’s hard. Takes courage to ask for help, sometimes.

 Sometimes I feel like a bad ass..sometimes I have a fleeting moment of wonderment of the future  I will create..but mostly I am in the present and sometimes the past.

Through all of this I hold grief in one hand and gratitude in the other..grief carries the greatest weight but gratitudes can direct my mind and heart toward righting a balance.I have always recognized my gratitudes for the day. So I end this writing with gratitudes. Gratitudes for all thosewho have gone on this journey before me and have held a light and shown me the way, to just know without saying.

 For friends, family, and community that hold me up, embrace me, include me, make sure I am ok or even let me not be ok. 

For new, renewed, and strengthened relationships. For those who celebrate and keep the memory of John as an amazing, beloved musician, storyteller and human. And all the years of recordings of his music. (Too painful to listen to right now, but in time)

There is so much more, but most of all I am grateful for my life with John and all that it encompasses. To love and adore and be loved and adored back, that is the most precious gift.

I love you all and thank you for loving John and me.