It’s been 4 months…which compared to “terminal” and “incurable,” is but a blip on the screen of life.
In that time, I’ve experienced the stress of waiting for insurance to cover the $18,000 per month medication that I need in order to live; I have experienced the panic attack of taking that “hazardous” chemotherapy pill for the first time; I’ve pushed through some strange side effects (“lava bones,” fatigue, brain fog, loss of muscle memory, insomnia); I’ve endured answering the “FINE!” response to the overly sympathetic “how ARRRRE you?” questions from people I don’t really know (I’m fairly certain they don’t REALLY want to hear my other response); I’ve taken on 2 new therapists (the first one, I became THEIR therapist [no thanks!] and the second lost funding to continue); and I’ve now entered my 4th month of treatment at Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, Florida.
I have also received SUCH incredible and overwhelming support from soooo many fantastic people. My parents dropped everything to come stay with us for a couple of months; my friend Pam Connolly gave me a hand-carved olive wood cross from Bethlehem, Palestine; my friend Kathy sent funds that will help me visit Loki in Ecuador (checking off a part of my bucket list); the GoFundMe donations have sustained my ALARMING medical expenses; I’ve been able to visit Jacob at USF every time I go for treatment; the opportunities to live into my faith have only deepened…and so much more.
In the midst of the boomerang between solid faith and spontaneous anxiety, I’m realizing how dependent we truly need to be upon each other.
If you are someone who prays for me/us regularly, while I can try to fight it, bursts of anxiety hit me like an electrical jolt:
- every new pain = IS MY TREATMENT FAILING!?
- seeing the GoFundMe donations disappear after the first couple medical bills = HOW ON EARTH CAN WE AFFORD TO KEEP ME ALIVE!? Even though the $17k bill is now “just” $3k, my salary has not gone up $3k per month.
- church/ministry = (vulnerable moment warning) WHY SHOULD PEOPLE PUT UP WITH MY UNPREDICTABILITY?
Ok…that’s where I find myself, today.
I need you; you need me…this life we live is so much richer when we acknowledge and live into our interdependence.
Thank you for sticking with me this far!
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Joel’s Caring Bridge “giving” statement
Please note: “Tribute Gifts” via Caring Bridge do NOT go to Joel Tooley’s medical needs.
To help with medical expenses for Joel Tooley, either give directly via: Venmo, CashApp, Zelle (request email or cell phone) or GoFundMe
