I'm cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the floor instead of sweeping. I am listening to the Indigo Girls when Alexa suddenly stopped playing my music and out of her speakers came Fly, Fly Fly Let It Ride by BTO Bachman-Turner Overdrive. One of Joe's favorite bands. He is either telling me something or he's looking down at me in total shock that I am actually cleaning. Do you think if I mopped the floor that would bring him back to life? If only my world could be an episode of The Young and the Restless and his death was a mere contract negotiation. He left this earth with a whole bunch of everyday knowledge that he simply didn't share. If I had him back for just one day I would probably ask him about ant trap placement or how do you unclog a drain. I recently learned how to jump the dead battery in my car. I also pulled out the weeds that grew within the bricks of my front stoop. All simple stuff that he just did and now I am learning how to do on the fly. That was Joe. He did everything I didn't. Even when he was physically dying he still got house hold chores done. He was an ordinary guy with severe ADHD. He couldn't sit still and he loved to garden. I thought about planting tomatoes and cucumbers but that was his thing never mine. I was at peace with my decision to purchase vegetables from the supermarket this summer. Then my really good friend asked me if I wanted her extra zucchini seedlings. Of course I said yes. I have to try for him. Every year around this time he would come home from the nursery with a new plant that he had never grown before. Like watermelon, eggplant, corn and strawberries. Loosing his green thumb is hitting me hard. It's been 10 months and today is extra hard. His presence is everywhere. Some things are just harder without him but life is also easier. There are times when I pat myself on the back because I accomplished something I never tried before. Like when I fixed our broken mail box. All I did was ask the Gardner to fix it and he did. Something so mundane that he would have just taken care of. But I did it. I remember wanting to call my Mom to tell her it was fixed. That would have actually brought her joy. OK maybe not but she would have pretended that it did. I miss them both. I have no base, no one to share the silly little everyday things that in the grand scheme of life mean nothing to anyone but me. I think the hardest part of my new reality is the realization that it's only "me". My children have no other choice but to come to me with their life questions. Now I am the head of the household of our family, the new CEO. The King of the Mountain. And I know nothing. I don't have a clue as to how anything works. Trust me moving forward I will be making things up as they come along. Fake it till you make it. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. All the life hacks my Mom, my Dad, and Joe dished out were also advice that was most likely made up too! So am I saying that life is just a bunch of bull shit information handed down from one person to another. Yup! In reality, what really matters is not the everyday tasks that have to be done but love and kindness and how you treat others. How open you are to experience new beginnings is the only guide you need to find oneself. Once that is accepted joy, laughter and happiness is sure to come. At least I hope so. #Allerstrong #5year3days.