I cannot believe I’m sitting here after my last written update and over a month has alrady flown by. Time with Covid and cancer has been a journey that moves so slow some days and at rapid speed on others. It feels like I’ve been through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
Thanksgiving was a blessing as I got to hug my family for the first time in 11 months. Just feeling normal and having them in the house to fill our hearts with joy was beyond healing. I’m learning that whatever makes you feel joy, make sure you take the time to do lots of it and savor those moments. I can seriously say that the squishes and interactions with my grandson filled me to the brim. Those moments took me out of my head and gave me the job of Grammie which was indescribable. I am so blessed that Jordan and Justin came to visit with Maddox so he recognizes us and loves us. When they were here there was a deep emotion that made me realize how open my heart is. The pause between life and death and knowing how hard the journey is is what makes those moments so deep. So truly delicious. My first scan was while they were here and there are truly no words to describe the feelings that went with that. I am learning that the unknown, the scary places that my mind will go, don’t serve me at all. Fear can become bigger than anything so I’m choosing to try to just be and just stay in the now.
My scan came back clear and I sat and cried from such a deep place of gratitude. I am learning the lesson of surrender, and consciously recognize that I get to practice the lesson of not knowing and trusting. I picture myself rising above and setting my intentions every day for clean cells. Healthy cells. I now have compassion for myself for the first time in a long time. It was always easier to think of others. Now I have to be here for my own heart too. I need to trust my instincts and accept that this is a healing time. Some days I feel so sick yet I try to relax and restore myself. It’s such a sacred time to release the intensity. The transformation. The cleansing and purification. I feel like I’ve been stripped to the bareness of my soul and need to keep reigniting my ignition. Like the little engine who could. I keep taking baby steps. I have learned to ask spirit for what I need. It comforts me. I am more raw and vulnerable than I have ever been. I have had my deepest moments of euphoria and misery. I am keeping my eye on the quest for LIVING. All the stages have been like a crash card of learning to live each day as authentically as I can. I am going through this journey with my heart wide open. I know that whatever this lesson is, it has a purpose. Meaning.
In 2020, Covid caused the world to reset in a way I could never have imagined. It hurts to watch people suffer, be alone, not able see an end to the devastation.
This year, I look forward for us all to soar. Be free. Fly likes butterflies. Transform into a better world. The spirit is a remarkable thing. We have to circle together and give power to people who need it. We have to share all we can and choose to make a difference. Do something for someone else every day. I am a huge believer in random acts of kindness. In people always helping people. I am visualizing healing for us all and the planet. That miracles prevail. That every day is a gift. That we all get awakenings in different ways. This journey is teaching me the colors of life. The many ways to be. May we all be held every day in love
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