Hello...Merry Christmas...Happy Holidays...

I hope everyone is getting through this weird holiday season okay. Since it has now been four months - and we're a week away from Christmas Day - I thought I'd give an update on how we're all doing.

On the one hand, it's a tough season. It started with the Christmas lights the weekend before Thanksgiving.

This is what I posted about it on Facebook (so if you've seen it there, you can skip this part):

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November 23, 2020

For all the times when I put on The Smile and act like I have it all together figuring out this new solo life, this wasn't one of those days.

Saturday I started - and today I finished - probably the hardest part of Christmas decorating that I will do this year - the outside lights.

You see, for several years, we have hung snowflake-shaped lights on our porch. We even got some kind of award certificate one year for "Best Use of Snowflakes" in some neighborhood decorating contest we knew nothing about. 

But over the years, as decorative lights do, the bulbs started to burn out. So last year Jim decided we'd switch to "dripping icicle" lights. He found some online, ordered them...and we got a section of about 8 light strands, about 4 feet total. So he contacted the seller and asked them to correct it. Again, a short strand. Then followed by a long strand, but then they had so many duplicate orders that we got one or two other strands before it was all done. The problem was, the whole process took so long, it was January before we had our lights.

So he was supposed to get to enjoy his icicle lights this year. And after all that hassle, he's not here to see them. But he put so much effort into getting them, there was no way on earth I *wasn't* going to use them this year.

So I hung them. I found cords to plug them in. I turned them on. And I stood in the front yard and cried.

I cried because he's not here.
I cried because he doesn't get to see them.
I cried because it's not right.
I cried because it's not fair.

I hope that if he isn't too busy enjoying heaven, he can spare a moment to glance our direction and see his lights. And he can see that I was able to get lights on the shrubs like he always does...but that I changed it up a bit and instead of putting lights in our leafless little tree, I dropped them down to show off Santa and his presents. But I did the lights. That's another thing I can be proud of.

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What I didn't know then was that letting the genie out of the lamp that night in terms of letting the tears start wasn't going to be a one-time thing. In fact, I think I've cried at least a little bit every day since then. Maybe it's the grief finally catching up to me. Maybe it's the numbness wearing off. I'm sure it's in large part the holiday not feeling complete. Or it's probably really a combination of all three.

So we're struggling right now. No lies. Kim told me earlier today that she hasn't even started Christmas shopping yet because doing so means facing the fact that there's one person she won't be buying for or making something for this year. (Because she has so often lived on the razor's edge financially, part of her present to her dad was always to make a cherry delight for him, no matter the occasion - Christmas, birthday, Father's Day.) 

I can understand what she's saying. For me, it's the feeling that Christmas this year will be "less-than" for Kim and Ethan, because Jim was always the person who found the perfect gift-you-didn't-even-know-you-needed. But I will try. 

ON THE OTHER HAND...those are all emotional struggles that are a natural part of losing someone, and I'm very aware that I'm not the only person going through it this year - not by a LONG shot. So, let's turn to happier updates.

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Ethan finished the first semester of 8th grade as of today. (YIKES!) One of the advantages of virtual school is that I can stay on top of his grades as we go, and if he starts to slip or doesn't get an assignment turned in, we can work to get that fixed before it becomes an overall problem. Consequently, even as things wrap up this week, I know that he has managed - through a very chaotic time - to pull straight A's for the fall semester, with grades ranging anywhere from 95%-100%. He has also participated in National Junior Honor Society (which he qualified for with his grades last year), which means that he and I got to spend time doing community service work. For Ethan, this meant a couple trips out to pick up trash along the many walking trails Bloomington has and an afternoon making cookies to let some hospital workers know that they are still not forgotten even though the public outpouring of support that was so evident this summer seems to have died down.

Last month I mentioned that Kim was having problems with her shoulder. Well, she still is. She did finally get in to see an orthopedist about it, and they want her to have an MRI done. However, it will be mid-January before she can get the MRI, so that saga is ongoing. The doctor told her that he could see three possible outcomes for this situation, and two of them will involve surgery. So I guess we'll wait and see which path she's going to have to take.

(And yet, I keep imagining Doctor Strange looking at Iron Man and knowingly holding up only one finger, so maybe......) (And that will mean nothing to you unless you've seen Avengers: Endgame.)

Kim has also starting looking for a job and is currently in the interviewing process for one. I won't say what it is (because I'm afraid of jinxing it), but whatever prayers, good thoughts, positive energy or anything else you have that you can spare, we'd appreciate it on her behalf.

My job has been really busy for the past few weeks, which is good because it helps make up for the month that I didn't work at all back in the summer. Unfortunately, as much as I love my job and the people I come into contact with, now that my income isn't the "extra/fun" income, it needs to be something more steady. So while I'm not applying for every job listed in the want ads, I'm definitely keeping my ears open and tossing my name in for things that sound like I could do them really well. I don't know where this will lead. God may decide that I need to stay with the same job I've had for the past 10 ½ years and I just need to trust that there will be enough work there to take care of my needs. If that's how it works out, I'm good with that. Like I said, I've loved this job and the people. So I'm very much in a mind frame of "whatever happens, happens."

I'm also ready to get past the holidays and start purging. As I've told people, depending on Kim's job situation - whether she gets one, where it is, whether it's smarter for her to stay in Bedford or move back to Bloomington - it will determine what I do - stay in this house and have Kim and Ethan move back in or find something smaller and easier to maintain. Either way, I need to downsize my stuff. That process will start, one box at a time, beginning when I put away Christmas decorations and decide what will stay with me no matter what, what Kim might want, and what needs to be passed on to others or simply gotten rid of.

In other words, it's time to tap into my inner Marie Kondo. 

So that's where we are. I now have a pendant with Jim's thumbprint on it, and Kim and I have matching memorial ornaments on our trees, so he is always with us, through the holidays and beyond. It's not the same, but it's the best we can do.