It’s been just over a month since Jill died and until yesterday I hadn’t been back to the hospital.  I’d been meaning to go for a while.  I wanted to visit the transplant patients we got to know while Jill was there and check up on the nurses to see how they were doing. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it – too many memories.  Anyway, I decided yesterday was the day.  With today being Thanksgiving I figured it was a good time to go back and say thanks to the people who weren’t there when we left the ICU for the last time on the night Jill passed away.  I’m glad I went (twice – had to visit both shifts…).  I had a nice reunion with several of the nurses (Angel – it sounds like I missed you by about an hour…sorry…), and I was relieved to see that the patients waiting for their new hearts are still hanging in there.  I only noticed a couple of changes.  For one, there’s no longer a need to “gown up” when entering a patient’s room - apparently they’ve gotten the acinetobacter outbreak under control, which is a good thing.  The other change since the last time I was there was the fact that at the end of this visit I was able to walk out of the unit without leaving Jill behind.

For those who weren’t able to attend any of Jill’s funeral ceremonies, I can tell you that they were beautiful, emotional, touching… and they were exactly what Jill wanted.  The turnout for the calling hours was overwhelming. The line of people who came to pay their respects wound through the church and out the sanctuary door virtually the entire time.  Apparently the church parking lot was overflowing, and it wasn’t until the last half hour or so that I was actually able to see the end of the line.  We were truly moved by the unbelievable outpouring of love and support from friends,family, and colleagues.  I’ll never forget it as long as I live.  The trip to Dayton for Jill’s burial went smoothly. When we pulled into town, before checking in at the hotel, I took the kids to Wright State University to show them the exact spot where Jill and I met on November 8, 1982.  And for dinner that night we went to Jill’s favorite pizza parlor (Marion’s on Shroyer and Patterson).  The next morning the graveside ceremony was led by the same minister who married us 30 years ago.  Again we were so moved by the number of family and friends who turned out to welcome Jill home – some of whom knew her when she was just a little girl. It really felt like she was where she belonged.

We were all back at work in Rochester the day after Jill’s burial – trying to adjust to our new “normal”. Much of my time at home is spent going through Jill’s things, trying to figure out what to do with them.  As I mentioned to an old friend who lost a spouse many years ago, there are things I know I’m going to keep, not because I’ll ever use them, but because they were important to Jill, or because I just can’t bear to part with them… like her bathrobe hanging on the back of the bathroom door.  I’m just not ready to see that door with only one robe on the hook.  So I’m leaving it there, at least for now.  And this is where I’ve received the absolute best advice since her passing: “Take your time.  Don’t do anything quickly.”  Amen to that. I don’t want to do anything I’m going to regret down the road.

While I’m pretty functional – I do get out of bed and go to work every day, and apparently the students aren’t complaining about me – several people have suggested that it might be helpful to “talk to someone.”  So at their urging I attended a bereavement group a couple of weeks ago.  I didn’t know what to expect, but I thought it might be run something like an AA meeting (not that I’ve ever needed to go to an AA meeting, mind you…).  You know, with some sort of agenda, or a topic of the day that people sit around and discuss.  Something like that.  Well maybe other groups are run that way, but not this one.  This one appeared to be completely free-form with absolutely no agenda. In fact my sense was that all of the other attendees (older women) were there looking for their next husband. Sorry Ladies.  Not interested.  So I’m not sure if I’ll be going back next time they meet.  But like I said though, even without the group I’m pretty functional, so I guess that’s good enough for now.

So that’s our update. On this Thanksgiving let me say thanks again to all of you who followed my postings during Jill’s time in the hospital. As I told so many people at Jill’s memorial services, I had selfish motives for doing the daily updates.  I did them not only so you would be able to follow Jill’s progress, but also because I knew you would respond to each one with a flood of comments of love, support, and encouragement.  You can’t imagine how much strength we drew from those comments.  So to all of you, thank you, thank you, thank you for lifting us up during those difficult months this past summer.  I owe you all more than I could ever repay.

Here’s hoping the holidays find you and your families happy and healthy.  Keep in touch...