Well folks, all of your prayers worked. I am happy to report that Monday gave me the good news I’ve been waiting for. I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH CHEMO FOR GOOD!!!! My oncologist and entire medical team is in 100% agreement that I need to be done with chemo. Seeing how this chemo has affected me and my body, I am told there are no questions about it. So they are officially stopping my last two treatments of “red devil.” My oncologist is also taking me out of the clinical trial because I have now had two adverse events from the immune therapy treatment, affecting my thyroid and lungs. I am shocked to say the least. Immediately, when I got the call I broke down into tears. To hear that I will never have to go through red devil again is probably the best news or gift I could ever receive. I am so unbelievably happy. My eyes still flood with tears as I write this. It’s a surreal feeling knowing I am done with chemo for good. Six months of unknowns. All of the waiting. The many ups and downs. The good days and the bad days. I am now one step closer to being cancer free and it is the best feeling.

 

As amazing as this news is, it is also very bittersweet. I have been honest and true to myself in my feelings since day one of this journey so I want to stay that way even now. I hate to even admit this but this news has me also feeling like a bit of a quitter. I know. It is quite ridiculous to think that way. To think so negatively after just receiving some of the best news. I know the decision is no longer in my hands at this point. The decision was made by my medical team regardless if I brought it up or not. But I can’t help the way I feel. To be quite honest, I was actually looking forward to my last chemo day. I was looking forward to sitting in the chemo chair one last time. I was looking forward to ringing the chemo bell. I wanted so badly to end this chemo journey feeling like I fought and won with everything I had in me. I wanted to defeat red devil and become a red warrior. But now I am left feeling like my body has failed me in finishing out these last two treatments. If only I had known that October 1st would be my last chemo treatment. I wish I could go back. I would’ve done things different that day. After six long months, I feel like I need and deserve some type of closure to this chapter in my journey. That is just me, being honest. So the next time I go in to the clinic I am going to ask for that opportunity. I am going to ask to sit in the chemo chair, ring the bell and finally get the celebration I deserve. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe my body gave out to show my team that I didn’t even really need this chemo in the first place. I am confident that my medical team came to the best decision for me. And I know God had his hand in this plan. So I am moving forward with the glass half full and not looking back. 

 

Six months ago this day was unimaginable. Going into this, I was scared. I was terrified. I felt weak. I was broken. My cancer diagnosis broke me. It brought me to one of the lowest points I’ve ever been in my life. I was filled with grief and “why me’s” for longer than I would like to admit. I was in a dark and lonely place. But somehow between all of the amazing support from family and friends and my own courage, I managed to pull myself out of it. I have come a long way since then. This chemo journey has changed me and changed my life in a way I will never be able to fully explain. I am a different person now than I was going in. It’s crazy how much a cancer diagnosis will change your perspective on life. I have learned more about myself in these last six months combined than I have in my 32 years on this earth. I have made time for myself and for self care because I know how important that is. I now realize that setting aside time for myself in turn makes me a better person, mother and wife. I have learned to be more patient. I have learned to take it one day at a time. I have learned to let go of my worries and let God take control. I have learned to not take a single day for granted. I have learned to be appreciative of everything I have. I have learned to wake up and live happy. Every damn day. Because you never know when a curveball such as cancer is going to be thrown your way. I know I still have a way to go before this journey is all said and done. But I have come a long way and I am proud of myself. Here I am, six months later. I have a bald head. I have lost most of my eyelashes and eyebrows. In a few short weeks, I will lose my own breasts in surgery. I have lost all that identifies me as a woman. I may look and feel more like a cancer patient than ever before but I’ve never felt more like myself. I’ve never been more confident in my own skin. I am beautiful. I am brave. I am strong. And I am a chemo survivor. I have finally made it to the finish line of this chemo journey and it feels so good. I want to jump for joy. I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to celebrate like I have never celebrated before. This has been a long and exhausting six months and I can finally close the door to one chapter and move on to the next. 

 

This journey is far from over, but I have learned to celebrate every milestone and cherish the moment as there will be ups and downs on the continuing road ahead. Until then. You got this girl.