This topic is often avoided, but it's one that's become unavoidable for me. I've spent years neglecting my own mental health, but this journey with cancer has forced me to confront it head-on. Six weeks ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist to help guide me in this journey.

It's hard to know where to start discussing this. But as you read, I hope you realize it's not just about being a cancer patient; mental health is crucial for everyone, and we need to break the stigma around it. 

This journey has challenged me mentally from the moment I woke up to the news of having cancer six months ago. Every day is a battle for my mental health, but with an incredible team of healthcare providers, I'm finding ways to confront the challenges, both physical and mental.

I've talked a lot about the physical challenges of cancer, but not so much about the mental aspects. People can see my struggles with neuropathy, sleep, weight gain, and mouth sores, but they don't see the toll it takes on my mind.

Mental health is complex. Simple things trigger huge emotional responses. For instance, a seemingly innocent question from a student about when I'd be out next sent me spiraling. It made me question if I'd ever come back. "What if this is the last time?" is a constant thought.

Entertainment has become a minefield. Even watching our favorite show, Ted Lasso, can lead to a dark place when it touches on themes of death. Topics that never bothered me before now leave me feeling helpless. Seeing my own body in the casket and the pain of those around me.  Even video games I have loved in the past, leave me stuck in my mind on where the future is headed.

Chemotherapy sessions are tough too. You build relationships with the other patients, and when they miss a session, you worry. Last time, I sat and had conversation with a fellow fighter and mother of a friend. She passed just over a week later. It's a reminder of life's fragility and the fight each of us are in. Knowing the person adds to the struggle, knowing the pain and loss her family suffered also weighs heavy on my mind. 

I also worry about my healthcare and more importantly my access to it. It's a lifeline that allows me to fight this disease. But after my FMLA ends, my job and benefits are no longer guaranteed. While COBRA is an option, it's costly and tied to a complete loss of income. Just this morning, I read about a teacher losing their job after her FMLA expired. She is now facing the double challenge of cancer and healthcare costs. This nightmare keeps me awake at night. Maintaining employment isn't just about the job; it's about keeping access to the healthcare that's keeping me alive.

Losing the physical abilities I had six months ago has deeply impacted my connection to myself. Every day is a struggle to reconcile who I am now with the person I was before my diagnosis. I find myself yearning to regain that sense of normalcy, to reclaim the activities and movements that once came so easily. But as I navigate this journey, I'm confronted with the stark reality that the road back to my pre-diagnosis self may not be straightforward, or even possible. It's a constant battle against doubt and frustration, wondering if I'll ever be able to move with the same agility, strength, and freedom that I once took for granted, especially with the constant neuropathy in my hands and feet. This loss of physical abilities has shaken the core of my identity, leaving me grappling with questions of who I am now and what my future holds. But amidst this struggle, I hold onto hope, striving each day to find new ways to adapt and regain a sense of wholeness within myself.

That hope is in essence why I wanted to share my struggles with mental health, the Dark Side of Cancer. I struggle every single day but I'm blessed with a strong support network and a growing team of healthcare providers. I am reminded every day that I am loved and I am not fighting alone. I am also incredibly thankful that I have Greg beside me each day, the good and the bad. I am confident without him I would not be where I am today. When I am lost in my diagnosis, he finds away to bring me back to what is now and the joy we can find there.

I am also hopeful that by discussing my struggles others will also realize they are not alone in the fight for mental health. I discussed the aspects that are associated with my diagnosis but know there are many other aspects that impact my mental health daily even before this journey started. I am hopeful that we will all take our mental health seriously and seek the support we need to be the best version of ourselves. I also hope we recognizing asking for help is a strength and not a weakness. Most importantly,  I hope we all support each other in our journeys. 

As always thank you for your support and May the Force be with you!