In the “ Journey through grief” books by Kenneth Haugk, the last chapter in his fourth and final book ends labeled, God’s Aloha. In his last portion of the book is as followed;
“The pain of your loss is real. The sun has gone down on one who gave your life joy and meaning. But it’s not the end of your story. In God’s book, endings are always preludes to new beginnings. Part of the beauty of every sunset is that it gives us hope for a new day. In Hawaii, instead of saying goodbye or hello the people say aloha. Aloha both means farewell and welcome. Aloha also means much love and affection, the kind that does not just come and go, but endures through all of our hellos and goodbyes. So as we continue on through grief, aloha is the best word to continue on in our journey.” No actual goodbye, I believe that’s how it really is and I find so much comfort in this wisdom.
Another magazine article that I have recently read stated, “of greater importance that our difficulties or challenges in life do not redefine God or His word.” I find this to hit home for me. I knew at a very early stage of Jay’s diagnosis that Gods testimony through my life would be “ What does your faith look like when your prayers don’t go the way you want?”
I’m not sharing this for any purpose besides to share Gods goodness. You see, I believe God is good even when we don’t understand, but we can choose to lean into His goodness and our faith in Him, or we can choose to become bitter and close our heart off. Neither of these are easy, but I consider it to be one of Gods blessings that He prepared my heart for loss. That He let me work through grief while Jay was here to hold me and comfort me, while Jay could look into my eyes and tell me “ you are strong, you can do this, I love you forever and I am ok with where I am going”.
Jays biggest struggle was leaving his kids, and that will always be where my biggest grief will be. However we are so blessed that Jay was a fully involved Dad! From how our family ran, what our girls wore, that Zander would never wear a ball cap backwards unless he was test driving a 4 wheeler, how our kids manners were to always be polite, how they would never back talked their moma, and know that we needed to have a huge amount of fun because we expected our kids to work hard! No matter what Jay was doing, he had at least one kid on his hip. He knew they got time with him but also learned by helping him do whatever he was doing. I really don’t see a lot of Dads these days that are this intentionally with their kids so I will be forever grateful of how great of a Father he is.
One year. One year seem like a big thing. I’m some ways it is, yet in someways I feel like we are still absorbing the reality that Jay will not be walking in the front door. I have said it before, but time is a very weird thing. I believe God made time to be this way. It makes us long for eternity, but yet it wakes us up enough to want to grasp life here on earth for all that it is!
When BIG life things happen, a lot of things become very small. That’s a good thing I believe. It makes us slow down where needed and prioritize our lives.
Sometimes it takes us by surprise who exits our lives and who enters, but either way we learn things we didn’t see coming.
I do not know the future, but I know the One who holds it. I know that is a commonly used saying, but it’s very true for those who trust and believe in it! I believe God still has good for me and the kids, I believe there is still joy and happiness for us to experience and that we can coexist with the new things and the past. Jay will always be part of our present, because he will always be within our hearts.
Within time there is points of transitions. I feel like our 1 year marker is the point of transition that I no longer post on caring bridge. I’m so thankful for this avenue of communication, but there is a sense of pain that comes with logging onto the site. Im so thankful for everyone’s love and support and I will never forget all of those who have helped us the past 2 1/2 + years. We love and appreciate all of you. Thank you so much for being on this journey with us, we will never forget you.
Alycia and the kids❤️
