Cancer is a journey. There is no doubt about that. In the beginning you are willing to do anything to fight it so you can stay alive. The doctors tell you the side effects that can happen from chemo, radiation, and surgery but you don't really care you are fighting live and stay alive. It is after treatment and the cancer is in remission that you worry about those side effects.

Some people have few, others have side effects that are not as life changing as the cancer. Still others like me get new life changing diagnoses that they have to adjust to. The chemo or the steroids from chemo or both has left my pancreas in a state that it seems like I had bad pancreatitis and am left now with diabetes. It seems when one thing is fixed another seems to break for me.  I know this isn't an end all be all but it seems like one more thing to try and push through and sometimes I feel like an old car that you tinker with so it will crank every morning. 

I know with time that I will learn to live with this, adjust and move forward. However, right now in this moment I feel a little defeated and little tired of fighting. I will get there emotionally but for now I am going to allow myself this moment to grieve the loss of one more normal for me and then I will pick up and move forward.