Two weeks ago, I had surgery to finally replace the temporary spacers with permanent implants.  In hindsight, I’m not sure what I expected.  I was nervous as sizing was left up to my surgeon.  He told me it’s like trying on a shirt, you don’t know until you get into the dressing room which one is going to look the best.  I tried to express that I was happy being smaller breasted.  I’ve been big, I’m ok being small.  Truthfully, the only reason I wanted reconstruction is because I didn’t want to be concave after the mastectomy.  After a year and a half of the cancer experience, I think that was a fear based upon false impressions.  I’ve looked at a lot of photos of women who have chosen to go “flat”, and they are not concave. 

The replacement surgery itself was easy (especially in comparison to the mastectomy/reconstruction).  I checked in at 7 a.m. and was home by 10:30. When I woke up, however, I was not excited about my new shape.  I felt big.  My chest felt oversized.  I felt like I’d gained back half the weight I’ve lost overnight. 

I spent the first week post-surgery feeling irritated and frustrated.  I did a lot of internet searching on dissatisfaction with reconstruction (not a lot to be found unfortunately).  I made a trusted friend stand in front of me (in all my gory glory) and talk me through what I wasn’t happy with – like a girlfriend in a dressing room with the above referenced shirt I was trying on. 

My questions are – is this the right size for me.  I wish my new breasts were smaller – why?  Is this just part of me needing to mentally adjust to having breasts again?  Will they shift or look smaller as healing continues?   Should I consider a revision surgery to go smaller?  Is it even an option to have further reconstruction to reduce the sizing?

My post op appointment was a week past surgery.  I had a very candid conversation with him about what I wasn’t loving about the new look.  Basically, he told me that he is very sorry that I had cancer, and this is the result.  There are options, but there are pluses and minuses to this size vs. one size down.  I left still feeling frustrated.

For the entire process from diagnosis to surgeries to treatments, losing my hair and eyebrows and breasts, I have had the end point in sight.  I have always looked at this like a marathon with a finish line – final reconstruction being that finish line.  I think there is some part of me that expected that once I had the permanent implants placed, that it would be almost like the entire shit show had never happened. 

I think my frustration is stemming from the realization that cancer never truly goes away.  It leaves scars (literally).  I do not have perky, young, breasts.  I have something that has been created to look normal in clothes and with a bra.  Without those things I am lumpy, bumpy, nipple-less, flat on the surface from the scars, wide at the outside.  I have scars both vertically and now horizontally. 

My surgeon isn’t wrong.  What he was focused on providing for me, he has.  The nicest part of my new breasts is the cleavage, what is most visible in clothing.  As another week has passed since the post op, I’m getting used to the new shape.  I’m continuing to heal.  I’m feeling less discomfort each day.

I was fitted for post mastectomy bras at a wonderful store called Mary Catherine’s.  Not only is this store specifically for women with breast cancer, but they also bill insurance for the bras.  Who knew?!  I walked out with 5 new bras and only spent $12 out of pocket.  While the bras aren’t entirely comfortable yet (the band hits direct on my newest scars at the base of the breast), I do look the most normal I’ve looked in a year and half. 

There is one more point to make about this.  Seeing people post this surgery is very odd.  It’s a full-on fashion show of the new look.  It’s discussed openly and awkwardly.  I don’t think I’d want it any differently, but similar to comments on a new haircut, I now have lots of comments on my new breasts.  In the interest of saving some time – I’m attaching a couple quick photos of the girls.

The plan at this time is to see my surgeon at 3 months and 6 months post-surgery.  At that time, we’ll make a determination about whether I want to make any changes or not.