Yesterday, I finished up with my 21 rounds of radiation. I think radiation treatment is a tricky thing to describe. It doesn't hurt, unless your skin peels. (Mine hasn't yet, thankfully.) But it is still not for the faint of heart. You are vulnerable. Breathing is critical, and feels much harder than you'd expect. Holding your breath just the right way is even harder. The technicians are some of the kindest people you'll ever meet, but making small talk every day for a month tires you out too.  And, once you're done with the appointments, the radiation in your body continues. My skin will continue to 'burn' for another week, and the radiation won't be totally out for 6 months.

What's next for me isn't certain. The typical next step in treatment is hormone blockers, but that has some pretty significant side effects. For a variety of reasons, I'm not sure that I'll take them. But of course, my oncologist wants me to, so it's not an easy decision. None of these decisions have been easy.  I'm continuing with PT -- and as soon as my skin heals from radiation, we will work more on dealing with some of the scar tissue left from the surgeries. I meet with my oncologist every quarter for the next 2 years (then less frequently). Scans are still yet to be determined -- obviously mammograms, but breast MRIs possibly too (although my claustrophobia and the fact that my other breast MRI wasn't very helpful make me hope that those get nixed.)

I think what I'm feeling mostly right now is that while I'm really glad that radiation is done, I don't feel perhaps like people are expecting me to feel. There's no dusting my hands off and declaring "HEALED!" and moving on to other things. Did the radiation kill all the rogue cancer cells?  Hopefully.  Did it cause other damage I won't know about for a while?  Who knows.  Should I take the hormone blockers?  Maybe. If I do, what will happen?  If I don't, what will happen? My brain is working overtime, and that's not always a good thing.

So, my village of caring, loving, generous people.... what can you do?  No sad eyes, please. No lamenting (I've got that covered.) No panic texts wondering if I'm ok. (I am. I promise.) And, no stories of how you ran a marathon after your cancer treatments were over, or how you learned to speak 4 languages. I'm not there yet.  (Let's be real -- I'm never running a marathon.)

I'm just in a space right now that's tricky to describe -- I guess a bit like radiation: It's complicated. But like all things on this unplanned detour, this too shall pass. 💗