I can't EVEN believe it's been over a year since I last wrote anything on here. You won't believe how many times I have tried to write since then, but just haven't known how to express what I've been feeling. And then as more time passed, the more I kept thinking, "why would anyone even care what I have to say?"

However, I was encouraged by the Caring Bridge team when they helped me see that you never know how sharing your experiences or life lessons or even from your heart can impact or help another person. Caring Bridge posted a story last year on our family's journey  that you can read, if you'd like: https://www.caringbridge.org/resources/healing-after-breast-cancer/ and Forbes magazine also used us in one of their online articles: https://www.forbes.com/sites/danabrownlee/2022/05/25/before-google-facebook-or-twitter-sona-mehring-created-a-social-media-platform-fueled-by-love/?sh=677f16a47ee3. So, here I am once again, after 16 months, to continue being vulnerable with whomever wants to listen. :-)

The last 16 months have been packed full of so many activities, emotions, growth, learning and changes. But, I'll focus mainly on why I have kept silent all this time. Last school year was all about processing for me and I just didn't know how to express myself. So, I kept silent.

In August of 2021, I was really excited to begin a new school year without having intense cancer treatments anymore. I thought it would be a year of "thriving" instead of "surviving" from the year before.  However, I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks when I found out a child that I knew had gotten diagnosed with cancer. It's like something in my mind just clicked and woke up to the realization that I, too, had had cancer. During my time of having cancer I was just in survival mode because I just wanted to get through it as fast as possible. I wanted to just do whatever the doctors said so that I could get better for my family. But, I never really dealt with my reality. I just pushed through it as fast as I possibly could. Then hearing of someone else having cancer made me feel so many emotions. The shock, sadness and worry you feel when you hear about someone else having cancer made me realize that's how others may have felt when they found out about me having cancer. But, I didn't feel that way when I found out because my focus was on fighting the cancer and on making sure I was still doing my job as a teacher and as a mother and wife. 

Now that I was finally getting to grieve the fact that I did go through cancer and what all of that included, I became a bit of an emotional wreck. I went to counseling for 6 months, which really helped me process. You see, I think what people may not know or understand is that when you're fighting cancer, everyone is there for you, cheering you on, caring for you, checking on you, because it's a scary thing. But, once you're out of it and physically better, or as they say "in remission," then people think the fight is over.  And, of course, that makes sense. But as a cancer "survivor," the post-cancer was more difficult for me mentally and emotionally. Everyone thinks that since you beat the cancer, then you're fine now and everyone can now move on with their lives. But, what isn't realized is the fact that things have changed. My life still involves lots of doctors visits, scans, blood tests, check-ups, you name it. And I'm thankful for those because they're for my good, but it's not the same norm that someone else experiences. There's also all the different scars I now have on my body for the rest of my life that are a daily reminder of what happened. There are the hormonal changes happening all over my body because of the medicine I must take, which means my body is also not functioning as it used to. And then due to the hormonal changes, my moods are all over the place (which is not so fun for my family).  At times, I feel like the chemo also made some changes chemically to my body. My husband says I don't remember things very well anymore, which is true. And guess what?! There is such a thing as "Chemo Brain." So, all of these changes from how I used to be, builds up emotion in me because I feel a sense of loss for that which is no longer the same in me. I don't really know how to describe it and I'm not trying to make excuses for my imperfections. I'm simply expressing what this time of processing has shown me. I'm different; my new norm is different; I can never go back to the way I used to be.

Every time I hear of someone dying from cancer, and especially breast cancer, I can't help but cry. I cry because it seems like it's becoming more and more common. I cry because I'm sad that they didn't beat cancer. I cry because of knowing, now, part of the struggle they must have gone through. I cry because I feel a sense of "survivor's guilt," wondering why I got to live and they didn't. I cry out of thankfulness to God, my Father, that His plan for my life included Him healing my body and letting me live longer on this earth. And it's a reminder each time to ask myself if I am doing all that God wants me to do during the time He has given me on this earth. 

I have now hit my 2 year mark. Two years ago, in August, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two years ago I was reunited with my husband after 230 days of being apart because of Covid shutdowns. Two years ago I had my surgery to remove the cancer. Two years ago, my life turned upside down. However, I've been told once I hit the 5 year mark, that's when I get to REALLY celebrate. For now, I'll rejoice in the smaller victories that God gives me in each day.  

At the beginning of 2022, I heard the song "On Our Way" by MercyMe and I just knew it was my song for this year. I'm obsessed with it! :-) Revelations 21:5 says"Behold, I am making all things new." I await for the day when I will see my Father in Heaven and receive my new body. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Sorry it has taken me so long. 

Blessings to you all,

Jen