Josh took his last breath here on Earth at 8:24 this morning and his next in heaven.  He fought like the true warrior we all know he is and he held on for the perfect time.  Gunny happened to sleep in and when his brother brought him downstairs, he ran over to me and gave me the biggest, longest hug ever.  Half way through I saw Josh stop breathing.  He knew that Gun and I had each other and that we would be okay.  

There are no words to express the sadness I feel.  I feel sad for Josh not being able to fulfill the plans he had made, for Gunny to not see his daddy in the physical world and teach him to play hockey (among many things), and for all the time I thought we had ahead of us.  But in all that sadness, I know that Josh is now healthy and happy in an amazingly beautiful and peaceful place.  Cancer is a flat out shitty disease.  It steals your body from you and gives you nothing in return.  We had hope right up to the end, even in his last hours I thought his pulse would miraculously grow stronger and he would come back to me. These images will be with me forever but there is peace knowing that he needed to leave this world to escape this disease.  One thing that cancer cannot take is your soul.  Josh had the most beautiful soul of anyone I ever met.  I had the honor in sharing 12 years of my life with you, calling you my husband and the father of my sweet baby boy.  

He told me over and over yesterday that he would always be with me forever and ever.  He has shown me that today multiple times when he provided me with a wave of calmness when I asked him for strength.  I know he is here to help Gunny and I get through this...and we will.  It's not fair and there is no sense to it, so I will not even attempt to make any.  I just ask that everyone that knew him and loved him think of all the great times you had with him.  He was extremely lucky to have you all in his life and I'm sure you feel the same to have had him for the short time we were given.  He was a great man and I will be damn lucky to raise Gunny to be half that man.

I thank you all for reaching out and sending your love and prayers.  It is truly amazing the support that we have.  Josh will be cremated and we will hold a memorial/celebration service to honor the time we were blessed enough to know this amazing man.  The service will be held Saturday, June 18th at Buttonwood Vineyard from 11-4 for all to stop by and share in Josh's life.  I was never a fan of flowers and Josh knew this to his core (they wilt and I have to clean it up) so he wouldn't dare ask for them.  We both believed that money could be spent in a more beneficial way.  In lieu of flowers, we are asking that donations be made to cancer and immunotherapy research.  Here is a link if you do not have one you already prefer:  http://www.cancerresearch.org/how-you-can-donate-now

For now I will continue to wait for Josh to talk to me again in his own way.  I will repeatedly flip through pictures of us once upon a time.  And I will stare at the amazing miracle that he gave me with our son.  

Josh, you will be missed more than you know.  The world is a little dimmer without you here but heaven is that much brighter.  I will see you again, my love.