Get Ready....

If your path is difficult, it is because your purpose is bigger than you thought.

Today makes exactly 7 months since we were told by Dr. Carpenter that Jason had cancer (March 4^th, 2022). But I didn’t share that we actually found out the night before. Yes, we got it confirmed after I called Friday morning and threatened to come sit on the floor of Dr. Carpenter’s office until he saw us, which fortunately was not required. We learned the night before when I looked at the test results AFTER being prompted by Carilion’s client portal, which contained all of Jason’s health records, that new test results had been posted.

**Seriously Carilion – Do NOT post results that will negatively change your life! Can we please wait for the doctor, who is trained and does not use Google’s search engine, to interpret the test results.**

I remember like it was yesterday. It was Thursday, March 3^rd, 7pm. I had just picked up our dinner because, you know, it was my night to cook! Jason says, “Carilion notified me that the results for my scans are in.”  I, of course, told him to let me look. And he said, “I don’t think we should look. We might misinterpret them.”  Like the confident, stubborn person I am, and a solid eye roll I said, “Okay, I won’t look. Let me see your iPad.”  Yes, I lied. And yes, I detest liars, but I had to know. Oh…and no, I’m not a doctor but I do have Google to support my inquiry needs, and friends who are doctors! Notice the order! Honestly, I looked for several reasons – 1. In my mind, I knew he didn’t have cancer; and 2. I needed that confirmed. I’d never be able to sleep knowing the results were right there! Waiting for me to have a quick looksee.

I can see the screen clear as day. The report: Date of Report: 03/01/22, Time Read: 4:55pm. I clicked on it. There were a ton of words, some of which I didn’t know but no matter, get me to the results. And there they were. The words that changed our life forever – “Malignant” and “Squamous Cell Carcinoma, P16+.” Even now, it makes me sick to my stomach. I thought to myself, “Is malignant the bad one or benign?” I had no time to feel like an idiot. I quickly looked it up as I was no longer thinking from the reasoning part of my brain but instead the survival and limbic systems. I felt like I was going to throw up, cry and scream at the same time.

Google Search: Malignant

Finding:  Definition: “Ma.lig.nant – A term used to describe cancer. Malignant cells grow in uncontrolled way and can invade nearby tissues and spread to other parts of the body through the blood and lymph systems.”

WHAT!!!!!! NO! I freeze, staring at the screen. The words blurred, similar to now as I recall and feel every emotion that ran through my body. CANCER.

It all connected! Jason had swollen lymph nodes for over 9 months and now the definition: “Spreads to other parts of the body through the blood and lymph systems.”  Jason had cancer. I immediately looked up the words squamous cell carcinoma, P16+. And there it was – it was a form of CANCER. I knew my face had given it away when Jason said, “you looked.”  I couldn’t lie. I said “yes, but I’m not sure what I’m reading.”  His face was pale. I’m a terrible liar and technically, I didn’t know what it meant. I know, pitiful excuse. We were both sick and numb. We sat there – silent. What do you say? There is nothing to say so you say nothing. He says, “I’ve got cancer.” I responded, “Yes, I think you do.”  And so, it began.

**Fast forward 7 months to the day, Monday, October 3^rd – 5:20pm.**

His plan. In His time.

So much has occurred. The worry, tears, feelings of failure, anxiety and more than enough stress for a lifetime. That was just me! I can’t even begin to describe what Jason went through. It’s not fair for me to even try to verbalize on his behalf. Just know it was AWFUL for him.

And then again, so much good. God is now first and foremost in our lives. I have worked HARD to get work reprioritized, which is still hard, but I’m doing it. I think about the blessings, the miracles, the people God worked through – our family, friends, newfound friends, and the kindness of strangers. So Many Miracles.

1. We were able to move to New York to receive the BEST treatment. **Answered Prayer**
2. Jason’s body responded. **Answered Prayer**
3. He successfully had 3 weeks of radiation, 2 rounds of chemo and a ton of infusions (Remember I lovingly referred to these as spa days where he got fluids to help his body heal). **Answered Prayer**
4. We came home on July 6^th. **Answered Prayer**
5. Sadly though, I came to realize the cancer had followed us home because it was still present in his body BUT….it was getting smaller. **Answered Prayer**
6. With every MRI scan over the next 4 months, it was getting smaller. All good signs. **Answered Prayer**

Not matter how he improved, in the back of our mind, even to October 3^rd, she (the cancer) was lurking. Ever present, trying to take all of our attention. To steal the joy from our lives. With her came the side effects of trying to destroy her – the dry mouth but even worse, terrible tasting food. She would never let Jason have a moment’s peace. Recently, she took his sleep. He started snoring so bad that I had to start sleeping in another room. It appears that the new scar tissue in the back of his throat, recently formed from the radiation treatments, was impacting his ability to have a clear airway when he slept on his back. It’s bad…NO! Really bad. Even Winston made a formal complaint!

When we went to see Dr. Morris, Jason’s medical oncologist, he indicated Jason’s airway was clear but that he was the first patient he’d seen to develop sleep apnea. Seriously?!  At least Jason is consistent,  always in the fifth percentile for side effects! SMH! So, we will be seeing a sleep specialist BUT the good news is his airway looked “All Clear.” That was the first time I heard those words but wouldn’t be the last.

We left feeling encouraged that his throat looked good, Dr. Morris commented on how great Jason looked (thank you very much!), and that the sleep apnea could easily be address! Okay, we’ll take that win. **Answered prayer!**

Off to appointment 2 of 8 for the day – giving 10 vials of blood! Praise the lord, they hit the vein every time! **Answered prayer!** #MSKCCnursesNailedIt!

Two appointments down! Next was the scary scan, a full body PET scan to see if the cancer was gone, present in the lymph nodes or worse, spread. This was followed by appointments four and five – MRIs. Check and check. Appointment six with the clinical trial nurse would be delayed to Tuesday *win*. So, at that point, only two appointments left. We dropped in on our chemotherapy oncologist who reported his bloodwork looked FANTASTIC! **Answered Prayer**. And then the last one. The big one! Radiation Oncology – who would tell us the scan results.

As usual, Dr. Lee, a tiny but powerful woman, came in like a tornado – strong, mighty, and FAST. You normally only get to talk to her for about 120 seconds! She is ridiculously brilliant and typically has a team of doctors following her. I’d say they are hoping to absorb an ounce of her brilliance. I mean, I sit close to her too! She is the person responsible for developing the treatment protocols that SAVED Jason an additional 20 radiation treatments and extra chemotherapy session. She created the clinical trial and is world renowned. A total bad ass at the height of 4 foot, 10 inches tall, if that!

She came in, fist bumped Jason and said, “Hello Mr. Handy. Your scans look great – ALL CLEAR. You have no more cancer in your body.” I sat there, dumbfounded. Did she really just say that? “All Clear.”  She felt his neck and then they scoped his throat (a scope is a camera that goes through the nose and down throat to look at the back of the mouth/throat). Jason is amazingly strong as he just sets there and takes it. Never moving. Never choking. Not even a tear. He’s a beast!

She instructs the physician with her on how to properly insert the scope and how to look for any abnormalities. She keeps repeating, “Looks good. All Clear.”  And then, she says, “Okay, we’ll see you in January. At 39 weeks, we’ll do another PET scan, but you are All Clear. Go live your life! You’re Cancer FREE.”  And with that, she was gone. Maybe seven minutes, but that’s all we needed. Disposition: “All Clear. You’re cancer free.” 

When you face difficult times, know that challenges are not sent to destroy you. They are sent to promote, increase, and strengthen you. – Joel Osteen

You never know how you’re going to respond to the news, “All Clear.” It’s odd, I never really even thought about how I’d feel. Would I cry? Shout with Joy? My actual response was similar to that of my initial response - Numb. We were numb and said nothing. As we walked out to the elevators, I looked at him as it had finally hit me. I said, “You don’t have any cancer in your body anymore. YOU DON’T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE!”  We smiled at each and released an audible sigh. A sense of relief washed over me. Jason was going to be okay. He made it. And then I thanked God as He answered our prayers.

We sat in the lobby of MSK hospital for a while. I started texting family members while he sat there, quiet. We walked back to the hotel. It was raining and cold and I never felt better, more alive. We get to the hotel and walk into the room. He comes over and hugs me. A full HUG. I could sense his relief. We stood there, holding each other. For the first time, she was no longer there, holding all the space between us. She was gone. The cancer was gone! He thanked me for being there with him, every step of the way. You know, there was only one way to respond, “always.”  Then, we told each other how much we loved each other. And that felt good.

So that’s it, right?

Is our story over? No. Jason is still dealing with the terrible side effects and for that, we need your prayers. But you know what, he doesn’t have cancer! **Answered Prayer**  For that, I give all the glory to God. This was His magnificent plan for our life. I don’t claim to know why but I thank him for this journey. Yes, Jason and I are different now. We are different but for the better. He would disagree about the “better” as he’s still suffering, and I get that. When I say we are better, I mean we are better as the cancer was the vehicle that reconnected us with God, to ourselves, to each other and our family and friends. Personally, I am grateful for this journey. I finally found me. Who I want to be and how I want to live today and every day moving forward. Living for God. I’m not perfect! Nor will I ever be as we are all perfectly imperfect. But I WILL NOT go back to my old life. One where I’m trying to control what happens in MY life. My plan. Because honestly, it’s His plan for my life.

One day, you will tell your story about how you overcame what you went through, and it’ll be someone else’s survival guide. – (Lord, I pray this into existence. Use our story to inspire and offer hope to others.)

God has given me a second chance, a new outlook, and a new path to follow. I wholeheartedly accept His plan and path for me (and Jason). I committed to God that I would shout our testimony from the rooftops both during and after this trial. To tell others of his goodness and grace and I plan to do so. It’s coming!

So today, 7 months to the day after Dr. Carpenter confirmed Jason’s has cancer, I am here to shout from the rooftops that God heard our cries, and the prayers of each and every one of you, and he responded. “All Clear – You are cancer free.” 

Remember: There is nothing too great for our God.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!  Thank you for walking this journey with us. You are truly the hands and feet of God.

Natalie