If there is one thing I’ve learned in the five months since my mom left, it's this:

Healing isn’t linear. 

I used to believe that the five stages of grief were a myth, or a hoax.

I guess the reality of the situation was that I was privileged enough to have never had to experience a loss to such an extent where I would experience them at full force. 

Once my mom died, I was expecting these stages to show up sequentially.

I expected to be shocked.

I expected to be sad.

I expected to be angry.

What I didn’t expect, and what I wasn’t prepared for,

were the days where I have experienced all of these emotions at the same time.

More than that -

I never expected there to be days that I don’t experience any of them at all. 

There are days, now, that I forget to miss my mom.

Saying that out loud sounds absolutely terrible, so let me rephrase:

There are days, now, that I forget my mom is gone.

Between the business of class, work, and life just in general I forget we haven’t talked in ages…

On the days I forget, I rationalize the reason for that being that she is busy doing the same.

To that point though, I will say -

Whoever said grief gets better with time was a horrible liar.  

There are days I miss her so much it hurts,

but there are days I do forget.

Ignorance is bliss, and maybe I’ve overbooked myself a little bit as a reprieve. 

When I remember again that that bad thing really did happen -

That she’s really gone, and that she really died.

Well, on those days -

It hurts a little extra. 

I expected to be shocked.

I expected to be sad.

I expected to be angry.

I never expected to feel guilty in those moments when I’ve realized I’ve forgotten to miss her.

I never expected for life to just…

go on.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the last conversation I had with my mom -

The one where she was still talking and laughing.

It was her last really “good” day. 

In between the feeding of ice chips and reminiscing on years past,

I asked for some time alone with her. 

It was after her friends had left for the day, Les had gone back to work, and Maddy had decided to run to the bathroom. 

I asked her what I was supposed to do if she didn’t end up making it - 

I asked her this thinking she was sure she was going to.

It’s the way she responded that has stuck with me, and it isn’t something I’ve shared before because it didn’t really resonate until now. 

“You’ll figure it out. You always do.”

She always had this notion that I possessed much more strength than what I ever saw in myself. 

When things took a turn for the absolute worst, she didn’t let me forget that.

I will forever remember crying by her bedside and her still giving me shit, with her eyes closed, in a way only a mother could:

“Don’t cry on my behalf, it’s not like you ever have before. You’ve got this.” 

And she smiled.

Healing isn’t linear.

I’ve got a new job, another one. 

I’m a manager now.

I’m doing really well in my new major -

found something I think I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have the best friends I could’ve ever asked for,

and no shortage of opportunity to continue making new ones.

I’ve made a life for myself -

One that is entirely my own.

I’ve got this…

but I still resent my dad for growing older than my mom ever will be.
I still burst into tears without warning in the middle of Target.

I hate that I will never be able to talk about my mom in casual conversation without the deafening noise of the silence that follows after.

I felt nauseous filling out the information for her on the FASFA.
I struggle with the idea of the weather getting colder, when she will forever be left in spring.

I’m angry at myself for the lack of communication with her friends and family that I promised her I would give to them -

I always mean to respond, but most of the time I struggle to hit send. 

Healing isn’t linear.

My mom was the person I always went to talk to when I was having a bad day.

There is nothing that hurts more in this entire world than the fact that this is still the case,

but I miss her even more when I want to share about the good things, too.

If I could’ve told her what I know now, back when I still had the chance, I would’ve told her this:

“I will figure everything out. I always do. I just wish you were here to see it.”

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Thank you to Crawford Evaluation Group for everything you guys did for our family in support of colon cancer awareness and the “Get Your Rear in Gear” walk/run this past September. Another thank you to the group of you all who showed up to participate in the event. It truly meant a lot, and I don’t even have the words to thank you all enough. 

My mom now has a headstone located directly next to her parents and a bunch of our family. If anyone finds themselves near the Newburg area, consider stopping by for a visit:) 

I took a break from this page during the month of September. I am typically always able to find the words to say, but it has been a struggle lately. In between midterms and work, I wanted to prioritize time to send out an update. I will likely be in Iowa City until right around Christmas - if anyone is ever passing through please shoot me a text…would love to treat you to coffee and catch up!:) 

Hope everyone is doing well -

please, for the love (of janet), keep on taking care of yourself.

Kait