Mother’s Day

    My arms feel so empty today. I realized this morning I’d purposely blocked mother’s day out of my mind, but then it inevitably hit hard when I woke up. Last year, the first Mother’s Day without Jamyn, the day wasn’t so hard. I felt fulfilled as a mother. I still have 3 precious children here with me. I am still a mom. And they need me too.     

    Today tho, I miss Jamyn as I rarely do anymore. I dreamed I helped a syndrome parent change their baby’s NG tube last night. It was such a vivid dream. And in my dream I remembered all the steps perfectly. I realize that Jamyn’s been on my mind a lot more lately again. It’s that time of year we made the hospice decision, his death anniversary date isn’t so far away.., and the memories invade… the birds chirping early in the morning remind me of those long wakeful nights and how when those birds would start up I’d know with relief that morning was coming. 

    When Jamyn was alive I felt more like a mother than I ever had up to that point. I had a purpose in life like I’d never had. He needed me so much. All our newborns do, but Jamyn did to a much greater degree. It was my and Devan’s diligence that kept him alive. If we missed his med times or didn’t suction him out in time the results could  be disastrous. That is why it’s been hard to accept there was nothing more we could have done. The “what if’s” invade my thots a lot, although it’s less and less so by now.         

    The more time that passes the more I’m able to look at Jamyn’s life and death objectively. I know in my mind that we did all we could for Jamyn and there’s was nothing more we could’ve done, but my heart doesn’t always agree.