Our angel was born with a head full of dark, wavy hair.. He came out with his little hands together as though he was praying when he was born… We loved on him as long as the hospital staff allowed us to do so before we had to hand his gorgeous body over and leave the hospital empty-handed. How in the world do you transition from carrying your darling for 37 weeks just to have him leave your arms? Though I was completely exhausted and was feeling all the labor pains and after pains, I had an outer body experience. Some days, I still feel that way- as if I am just going through the motions. My body grew with Jamie for 37 weeks. He was a part of me physically and will always be a special part of me mentally and emotionally. 

Jamie has been with the Lord, sitting at Jesus’s table, for approximately 3 months now… we have experienced a quarter of a year without him, and yet.. it feels like a lifetime in one sense and like his loss is fairly new in another sense as well. Grief is a finicky thing. One day, you think you can endure what life throws your way and face each circumstance head-on.. The next, you have to convince yourself to get out of bed- that there is still a reason and that God still has a purpose for your life. One thing I have found is I have had to give myself grace over and over again…

Given that I am a perfectionist and have a Type A mentality, I have always been goal-oriented with calendar in hand in the past with to-do lists for each day. For the first year, I have chosen not to purchase a calendar. I have found it’s great to have goals; however, I also have discovered the importance of inhaling/exhaling and allowing God to plan my schedule instead. 

One thing my son has taught me- you cannot plan too far in advance… allow tomorrow to come when it comes; therefore, it’s vital to live each day at a time, one moment at a time. God does not want us to bombard ourselves with schedules when He knows our plans in advance. This concept has been very hard for me because in the past, I have exerted control in every aspect of my life. Now, I am trying to find a sense of freedom amongst the chaos of this life. It’s ok to make mistakes; we are human; and it’s ok to learn from those times we trip and fall: we just have to learn how to get back up again in the meantime. 

I spent so much of my time being the best mother I could possibly be when Jamie was in my womb, so you can imagine how difficult it is to transition when your role goes from “mother of a child on earth” to “mother of a child in Heaven.” Part of me continues to wonder what my actual role is to date… but then I have to understand.. I am a daughter of the most High God. Sometimes, it’s ok to simply be still and be loved by Him. That’s honestly all He calls us to do, right? To know Him, to love Him, and to accept Him in our hearts. 

I also have to remind myself- God and I have something in common. He lost his one and only son as well. Yet, what’s so beautiful about His loss is that He sacrificed his one and only Son so that I can hug and kiss my sweet little boy one day… and oh, what a glorious day that will be. ❤️

I am a work in progress, but I am thankful God loves me continuously no matter how much of a mess I might be at times.