I found "Caring Bridge" from a friend who sent a link of 25 self care options. The list included some easy additions to my ongoing self care, and helped me realize that self care as a caregiver looks very different from my "normal" self care.

I am exhausted, deeply. The kind of exhaustion that sleep can't touch, and respite can't remove. There are no real moments in my day that truly belong to me, because his needs preempt anything and everything, necessarily, innocently, even the smallest innocuous things taken for granted in a dementia-free world.

Self care (for me) now, involves stolen moments of time from the endless shift of caregiving.

Not a complaint. An acknowledgement of a no-regret choice to walk with my dad and care for him as he slowly, painfully passes on from this world into the next, whatever world that may be.

But there is nothing on this list for the guilt of responsibilities that I fail to meet every single day to the others in my own world, the world on hold, necessarily. The people are great, people who support and graciously understand. Nevertheless, the weight of failure is profound, the piles of "can't do," "no time," and "no energy" that grow like ever present weeds with no gardener to keep them at bay.

Doing my best in one world doesn't change the weight of failure I feel in the other.

Self care for this weight of guilt isn't  gratitude, "I'm sorry," or even "Thank you for understanding that I'm doing the best that I can." It's feeling the sting of truth that nothing in my own world is really on hold, it's moving on without me, around me...and it's ok to cry, now, today, in the stolen moments of time....