Dear Caleb,

Your favourite day of the year is fast approaching.  We have decorated the tree, put lights on the house, baked some cookies, the shoppoing is done and our plans are in place.  I look around and see you everywhere.  I remember your last Christmas - knowing it would be your last - what an amazing and heartbreaking time that was.  I remember watching you and my heart shattering.  Knowing the reality we faced and trying to burn every image in my mind.  I remember wanting to stop time but time continued to tick away - it still does and I still wonder how it possibly could without you.  We are trying Caleb, we really are, dispite our broken and aching hearts, we are trying so hard to embrace the magic of Christmas.  For Avery's sake mostly but also to honour you.  I have thought a lot about why the holidays are so hard - everyday without you is hard but the holidays stab at my chest in a way I can't describe.  I think the reason these days are harder than others is because it is difficult to muster the energy to try and make a special day special when they could never possibly be better or as good as the ones we had with you - it would be easy to say - why bother... We have lost the hope of ever having a perfect Christmas or the best Christmas ever again.  There could never be a better one than one when you were here.  So I believe this is why the holidays hurt so much - there is no hope in them anymore, so in turn they feel empty.  I would give anything to have you back, to go back.

Merry Christmas my little man.  I love you so much and miss you so intensely.

I am trying to find some hope for Christmas and this song gives me a little:

A Different Kind of Christmas - Mark Schultz

Snow is falling Christmas Eve
Lights are coming on up and down the street
The sound of carols fills the air
And people rushing home, families everywhere

Putting candles in the windows
Lights upon the tree
But there's no laughter in this house
Not like there used to be
There's just a million little memories
That remind me you're not here
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year

In the evening fires glow
Dancing underneath the mistletoe
A letter left from Santa Claus
Won't be the same this year in this house because

There's one less place set at the table
One less gift under the tree
And a brand new way to take their place inside of me
I'm unwrapping all these memories
Fighting back the tears
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year

There's voices in the driveway
Families right outside the door
And we'll try to make this Christmas like the ones we've had before
As we gather round the table, I see joy on every face
And I realize what's still alive is the legacy you made

It's time to put the candles in the windows, the lights upon the tree
It's time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be
Just because you're up in heaven, doesn't mean you're not near
It's just a different kind of Christmas
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year


Love Mom