I have thought all day about the date and all the “last year at this time..” that has flooded my mind. 

I didn’t actually mean to wait so long to post again..so for those who have prayed for me and kept up with me, I’m sorry for that. I think going back to work changed things quickly and I could not reconcile myself as both people. I still really have a hard time thinking back. Not that I mind being asked how I am or giving updates. I have still not re-read this journal and the thought of doing that is truly nauseating. Maybe one day it won’t feel that way. In some ways it feels like it’s been a year and in others, not at all. I do feel like I have missing time in there somewhere. 

Health-wise I am doing well. I have received no more iron infusions since June and seem to be doing okay although I can now tell a difference like the last one has “run out.” I had to cancel my specialist appointment  (Dr Gore)on July 30th but she ordered a mammogram and an MRI. I saw my oncologist on August 21 and that was a bloodwork nightmare but otherwise okay. My Mammogram was done in September and was “perfect” according to Dr Gore who I saw in early October. I put my MRI off as long as I could because I dreaded it so much. It was scheduled for January 3rd and unbelievably, it went so much better than the last two. It was done at Northside Cherokee so I will always have it there. My IV went in on the first try also which was a surprise and answer to prayer. I have almost never had that happen. I have not had the results shared with me yet- Though I wasn’t really worried about the results. 

I still have ridiculous balance issues and the tightening in my abdomen is still no better than it was following my April surgery. I have described it as a sensation like I’ve been zipped together on the inside. It’s limiting in ways but no one has made an issue of it when I’ve brought it up. They say “just a little scar tissue or necrosis.” However, I know it feels exactly like it did the day I had surgery minus the pain. Like my lower half has been tightly stitched to my upper half, on the inside. I feel that sensation all the time. I stretch and massage and do everything I ever did before, it’s just that some things feel more challenging. I think weight loss and exercise will help with balance issues and maybe then if I’m still very tight they will consider ultrasound of the area.  In the meantime I don’t really have time to worry about it. 

Aesthetically, I am mostly happy with the outcome of my reconstruction and have found that I’m not a candidate for tattoo. I had a patch test for pigment before thanksgiving that scabbed and fell off so I wasn’t feeling very confident. Then the actual tattooing was December 2nd. It went much better than I thought and looked great for about a week. Then it peeled off. Oh well. Not a concern for me in the grand scheme of things. 

The kids are doing pretty well. It was a busy summer and fall being back in the 100% swing of things. I only thought my kids were busy before. This fall taxed me greatly but I see the few things they are involved in (Band for Cam, band,drama,chorus for SK, and boy scouts for Grey) have greatly contributed to their confidence and their transition back to normalcy. As well as their confidence in me to be what I always was in their eyes. This fall was also more complicated than it would have been because SK and grey both got injured. It was a blessing and a curse because it took both of them out of basketball and I just don’t think I could have added that. Grey’s broken arm happened when he was riding Lydia’s new Y-flicker (scooter) and SK fell down the bleachers at pepperell high school and hurt one ankle and then stepped off the risers in chorus and sprained the other one badly. Between them I had two ER visits, at least 8 ortho follow up visits and 8 PT appts. She’s still having ankle issues but most of that and the running around associated with it is behind us. 

Work has been fine. I am definitely glad I came back once I knew I could be without restrictions. I have enjoyed being back and have found that I even look forward to it. It was both physically and emotionally difficult to not be engaged in some sort of intellectual challenge. I really have a fabulous group of people working for me and I enjoy them. We make a hard job rewarding and we even have fun. 

The kids and I enjoyed our Christmas break so very much. It felt much different not having the dread of the impending surgery to so closely follow. We stayed home and had visits from all the cousins. We even managed to get pictures. 

All of my cancer checks now are regular follow up which is 6 months for Oncologist and specialist and yearly for mammogram and MRI - as long as they are and remain clear. I shouldn’t need to see my plastic surgeon again unless I end up with cosmetic issues at the reconstruction sites which isn’t likely. I am convinced they left a stitch in underneath on both sides but I don’t know what can be done about that now. I can feel it so it bothers me but I don’t want to be troubled with having to do anything about it. 

My biggest take away from the physical aspects of last year is a profound fear of having surgery again. Any kind of surgery. Maybe that will change- I sure hope so. But all the medical allergies and missed IVs and uncertainty just maxed me out. 

Otherwise, my biggest take away is recognizing just how loved and supported I am, how resilient my kids are, and how blessed I am. 

I have a friend going through this now. All very similar, and her surgery is scheduled for this month. Please pray for her. 

When I wake up tomorrow, on Sara Kate’s 13th birthday, it won’t be to go to the hospital for a 10 hour surgery. Instead it will be to go to Macon for a 12 hour work trip. I will take Macon any day, and be thankful for it. 🙏🏻

love you all ❤️