March 9, 2023, was the 2nd anniversary of receiving the news of my cancer diagnosis. What a turning point in my life! For health; mentally and physically and for starting new eating/sleeping habits, for restoring relationship with Micah, for better attitude for our girls' sake, and for cultivating a deeper trust in God that is unshakeable. But out of all those positive changes I have experienced, the most amazing transformation has been the love and grace for others that has been given to me. I don't know quite how to explain it- After I faced my own mortality and suffered thru intense drug side effects, I still wonder.... why would that cause me to see people with new eyes? Let me try to explain a bit of what God did in my heart over the last two years and what He is still doing!

They say, the older you get and the more you learn, you realize how little you really know. I thought I knew a little about maintaining a healthy body. Well, just like high quality fuel, oil and regular maintenance help your car's performance, a healthy human body needs nutrient dense food, quality sleep and a peaceful soul.  My body was mistreated for too long, and unfortunately I didn't realize sooner. 

It has been interesting as Micah and I have analyzed my life together, trying to find the WHY's and the root causes of some of the bad habits  I allowed for so long. We agree that the cancerous tumor that developed in me was result of a few causes- definitely a mix of childhood trauma, poor self-image, un-trusting of God and my own selfishness. It has taken about a year for me to finally be willing to share this with you and I pray that by doing so, it will bring me freedom and give you grace for others and motivate you to make positive changes in your own life.

In 4th grade, my teacher, Mrs. Haft, wore the prettiest outfits. She was slender, had a dusty blonde/grey bob haircut that was always perfectly in place. She wore fitted leather skirts to the knee with silky blouses, dangly bracelets and high heels everyday. She was kind and I loved to watch her write in beautiful cursive on the chalkboard. That same year our classes at school began daily P.E. together.

I did not enjoy P.E. I did not like group exercise time of jumping jacks, cherry pickers and jogging.  I did not like getting hit with a ball in dodgeball. Since we were still young, we didn't change clothes in a locker room. I loved to wear dresses and shoes that made the click-click sound in the hallway, just like Mrs. Haft. It made me feel so 'grown up' to have clickety-click shoes! P.E. and sweating and fancy outfits go together about as well as a crying baby in the movie theater. So I would do everything I could to try to get out of P.E. everyday. Something was changing inside me, as the year before, I played bang-ball as often as I could and lived on the monkey bars during lunch recess. I had permanent calluses on my palms from hours spent spinning on those bars.

Each year in school, as I became more self-aware, I realized I wanted to look a certain way. I was happy with who I was, I had a loving family and I kept busy with my 3 sisters, pets and church activities. But once 6th grade arrived, it brought with it a new school full of unpredictable, adolescent kids, with one girl in particular who left all tact and courtesy at home. This girl seemed to find entertainment in teasing a handful of kids at school and I was one of those lucky few. I have learned as I've matured from that pitiful pre-teen I used to be, that I was given an extra-sensitive soul compared to most people. It's pretty normal to be teased in school about something- I know everyone could share a story or two.  I just had a hard time hiding my anger which brought on even more teasing! She made fun of my good grades, my high water pants, how skinny I was, my shoes, on and on. This went on for three years- all of junior high! Yes, I should have punched her in the nose. She was almost twice my size and I never could muster up the courage to fight!  Luckily, there are just as many, if not more, positive memories of those junior high years. I loved playing clarinet in band and all the performances we did, there were some wonderful teachers and friends. But the bullying left a bruise on my soul. So what does this have to do with getting cancer at 38 years old?? 

Words are powerful. This is what the Bible says about the power of the tongue, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18:21   I let the hurtful words of this girl go down deep. I dwelled on those words too long instead of believing what God says of me. I was able to forgive and forget not too long after that chapter of my life had closed, but a weed had started to grow. My self-esteem was shattered. I felt ugly and un-desirable. I didn't want to be skinny! Why couldn't I be more curvy and have beautiful shiny hair? Why couldn't I be more fun and witty?? This was the root to some bad habits of diet and lifestyle that began in my young adult life with years of problems that would soon follow.