Brooke went to Mass with me on Thursday morning. This is the first time she’s been able to step foot in a church in 4.5 years so it was a very big milestone. I was overcome with gratitude, but the angelic choir did not sing, nor did I shout for joy. Honestly, I didn’t want to feel my feelings at all because celebrating this progress also came with a side of grief acknowledging all the years that have passed while she laid in bed praying to be able to return to living a normal life. 

I want to move past the grief, but I also don’t want to deal with my emotions. I don’t want to remember how scared, helpless, overwhelmed, and stressful these years have been. I want to move forward, but the sorrow is deep in my bones. We let go of everything for the hope of healing…house, home, stuff, relationships, comfort and security. It took so long and it was so difficult. It is still difficult. 

There’s a dozen other victories that won’t mean much to those outside our family, but one that can be universally appreciated is the fact that Brooke is riding again. Not just walking one single lap around the arena, but trotting and cantering too!! It’s not going to be too much longer before Brooke is ready for riding lessons! The barn is definitely her happy place. 

Brooke’s been doing physical therapy and her brain retraining nearly everyday. Every weekday she has one session to total 2 PT + 3 brain retraining sessions for the week plus on days she doesn’t have PT she does her exercises and she’s going to the barn about 6 days a week! Her brain still sucks, not as much as it used to, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. Also, she’s still working through the pain. She’s gained an incredible amount of flexibility, strength and her posture has improved by leaps and bounds though. 🥳🤩

Stella came out of hibernation while I was legit sick for 3 long weeks. She helped with the barn chores and was riding again. It was such a great feeling seeing Brooke and Stella riding together and to see Stella making great strides in general! Stella got her temporary driver’s license during this time frame and we watched the eclipse as a whole family from our own backyard. It was an amazing experience! She had agreed to brain retraining this week and then minutes before the appointment, she pulled back into her shell like a turtle. I’m thinking she’s not wanting to deal with her feelings either. Looks like that runs in the family. 😮‍💨 

Luke got the germs I had and was really sick too. He had a fever off and on for days and that made his brain feel extra terrible. He had a breakdown/breakthrough late one of those sick nights and said that he’s finally able to think about some of the things we’ve been through. It was a much needed, tearful conversation. 

The common theme amongst our family members is that we are all still waiting for this house to feel like home. It still feels like we are waiting to go home and that is a terrible way to live. We have a beautiful home, but our stuff that made our other house a home is gone. Our kitchen table is still a plastic table you’d find in a cafeteria with folding chairs. We have no dressers or end tables and very little hanging on our walls. Don’t get me wrong, we are so incredibly blessed by having a home, a couch!! and a farm, but it’s like we are aliens in a foreign land. Our the stuff that anchored to our past is gone. We still have the memories of course, but besides those and our pictures, we have no link. I can’t begin to tell you how disorienting that is and unless you’ve had a house fire, most cannot relate. Nothing we have has any history. It’s not normal and it causes another layer of grief. I don’t know when this will change. Maybe it won’t be until we reach Heaven? There is so much work ahead to process all that we’ve been through in addition to the physical healing. 

After Mass this week when I was avoiding my feelings, my mind went to an email that I received from someone a couple years back that basically said I needed to accept that Brooke wasn’t going to get better and that I needed to stop ruining my other kids lives by traveling around the country trying to find a cure. The sender also expressed that they hated that we travelled, moved, spent so much money and had to split up our family for treatments that did not cure Brooke nor improve her quality of life. That last part is something we could agree on because we hated all that as well!! 😝

I have come to realize that all those treatments had a hand in getting us to where we are today. It’s all those failures that highlighted the real problem which was the mold exposure, not just from our home in Loveland, but then the rentals we lived in while we waited for our new house to be built. It’s funny because people would occasionally ask if it really was the mold that caused Brooke to stare death in the face? Yes!!! 💯%!! It’s crazy that something so common that doesn’t make 80% of the population sick, nearly did us in. We had to go through all of this to understand how to address the inevitable leaks in our home, how we have to rehab our immune system and calm our nervous system to allow our bodies to heal. 

If we had given up as the email suggested, Brooke would be dead, Luke would be close behind her and Stella and I would probably have a life controlled by the limitations of chronic illness. We would not be able to help all the people whom the Lord has placed in our path to give them guidance and hope for healing. 

After all the years of feeling utterly helpless and unable to find the answers that would move the needle for Brooke, it is a blessing to lighten the load of friends and even strangers from around the globe. The Lord is so gracious to let us play a part to encourage others and to allow us a small role in relieving the suffering of others. I’m so glad we didn’t give up! 👏🏻😭❤️‍🩹 All that we have been through has ultimately helped us to focus on Heaven which is the only place where we will find true rest and healing. ❤️ 

“The World is Thy Ship, Not Thy Home." -St. Thérèse of Lisieux ⚓️🚢

“The shock of sorrow comes only to those who think this world is fixed and absolute, that there is nothing beyond. They think everything here below should be perfect. Hence, they ask questions: ‘Why should I suffer? What have I done to deserve this?’ Maybe you did nothing to deserve it. Certainly, Our Lord did nothing to deserve His Cross. But it came, and through it, He went to His glory.”

—Venerable Fulton Sheen

Keep on keeping on, friends. God is good. This life is temporary. We are safe in the arms of our Heavenly Father. May the peace of the Lord be with you as you journey Home. To God be the glory. 🙏🏻

“You must accept your cross; if you bear it courageously it will carry you to Heaven."

–St. John Vianney