Journal entry by Susan Tilsch —
It was very important to me that the service be very beautiful and very meaningful. I did my very best to achieve that. Every psalm, every reading, every hymn was chosen with care and thought. The hymn, "It Is Well With My SouI," was the one hymn chosen by Greg. He wanted to communicate that he was okay, that he was accepting of his life and how it played out. Greg faced death calmly and with an amazing acceptance.
Greg loved classical music. We went to many concerts together. I very much wanted a cello for the prelude music and to be part of the service. I see it as an instrument that conveys such a rich melancholy mood. It was beautiful playing "In the Bleak Midwinter."
The altar flowers were gorgeous; the sunflowers in memory of Christopher, the white and yellow roses and daisies, the flowers of our wedding bouquet, and the ferns speaking to Greg's love for natures's greenery. He adored ferns. He was always teaching me about them. He planted ferns in our courtyard.
Who will every forget the click of the military boots as the two servicemen entered the church to present the flag? In dead silence we all watched the ritual folding of the flags and then the words spoken to me, "On behalf of the United States of America......." Receiving the flag was probably the most emotional moment for me of the service. It was a true reminder in such a beautiful way what those who have served have given up in their lives for us. Yes, Greg was an F-4 fighter pilot in the Vietnam War. He didn't talk about it much. He was the most unlikely fighter pilot you will have ever known. He hated war and guns. I have always thought war had to have been very hard for Greg.
For me to have been able to speak in the service was a real privilege. It was also a privilege to be listened to. The hardest part was finding the time and energy to write my words. I don't think I went to bed before 3AM for a number of days. I think I would have been more emotional just sitting there in the service but knowing I was speaking gave me a strength. Below I have included my uncut version of my remarks. I cut a few things as I went along.
And then there was John's poem, "About My Father I remember." It was so beautiful and so moving and so amazing that he could do that. Neither one of us shared ahead with the other. We heard for the first time the other's words during the service. I feel tremendously lucky to have done all this together with John, to have taken care of Greg together for the last 9 days of his life and to have written and shared our words about Greg in the service.
We accomplished what we hoped to. John has now returned to his life in San Francisco. Our responsibility is to go on, carrying Greg with us, remembering who he was, and remembering his wisdom and his humor and feeling his respect for each of us. The journey ahead feels hard but it is the one given us.
THE TWO EULOGIES
Remarks by Susan Eastman Tilsch
Jon Gregory Tilsch
May 28, 1947 - June 21, 2019
I look out at you all and I am so moved. Thank for supporting me and honoring Greg, I know with the humble man he was he would be surprised that so many people are here.
I have always known I would speak at Greg’s funeral. It is a privilege to speak. Greg and I were 32 and 33 when we married; On July 26, we will have been married for 39 years. Greg didn’t reveal easily. He was happy to be a good listener and let others do the talking but now I want you to know him better.
Greg was a person of great kindness. You sensed it right away. When we barely knew each other, Greg just appeared on his lunch hour at my apartment when the moving van was moving me in just to check on how I was. When his aging mother fell and had to be moved into a nursing home, Greg flew out to Arizona and handled the arrangements, washing her clothes, selecting her furniture. He did it with gentle compassion.
People often commented how different we were. Greg was quiet, loving to read, loving his nature hikes and cooking; I was the big athlete, committed to my sports, a high energy person. To many, I looked like the leader, the strong one and yet, because it wasn’t Greg’s nature to be assertive, to push to have his thoughts heard, people missed seeing the solid strength and intelligence within him. They didn’t see how grounded he was, so anchored by a strong moral code. We made all our decisions together, big and small. I depended on Greg deeply. We were a team.
We shared core values,…a striving for beauty and order in our home and our lives, a love for the Arts and for Learning. I always shared the details of my day with Greg. He knew my friends and their stories. He listened to me when I was overwhelmed or struggling with a decision.
Greg was selfless…..and completely without resentment. He saw his job to take care of me, to make my life easier which meant he didn’t want me burdened by life’s daily tasks…the car repairs, being home for service calls, the grocery shopping. In retirement, he did all that. Once I asked him what he was most proud of in his life, I thought of his MBA from Kellogg or his fighter pilot days in Vietnam but without hesitation and with complete seriousness, he answered, “Marrying you.”
It really mattered to Greg that we live in a beautiful space and he worked to create that. Educated as an architect, Greg had an eye for how to place furniture, hang pictures, and what colors to choose for the walls. We have over 40 pieces of framed original art in our house. When we moved to a new house, Greg wouldn’t hang a single painting until he knew where each would go.
We walked miles together over our life… by the ocean, in our neighborhood, and now on our greenway. I saw our long walks as talking time. I wanted Greg to share his feelings, to tell me what he wanted or preferred. Over time though I came to realize what made him happy was when I was happy. He was truly happy to let me make the choices that were what I wanted.
Greg gave unconditional love to me and our two sons. After I shared complicated hard stories from my past, he responded with words I have never forgotten, “I don’t love you any more or any less,” he said. When our boys came off the soccer field or the baseball field after their games, he greeted them with a big smile and a simple, “Great job! No analysis, nothing about what you could have done better. From Greg, I learned the true meaning of unconditional love
Treating everyone with respect was totally natural for Greg. He didn’t have to work at it. Greg’s respect for me gave me freedom and allowed my own strength and sense of self to grow. I am forever grateful to have lived with a man who respected me in the way he did.
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The words shared in the cards I have received since his death have been moving. A male friend wrote, “We will remember him as a man of substance, integrity and honor. A business colleague wrote, “I always knew I could rely on his intelligence, business wisdom, caring and even more his smile and laugh. A neighbor wrote, “He was one of the kindest people I have ever met. His smile can light up a room.” Another wrote, “He led a life of integrity and exemplary personal standards.”
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It has felt wonderful to remember this man with such love and admiration but there is more to share about our life together. It was not a perfect marriage but rather a love that survived. A story of love that survived. Whether it was because of the pressure of war or the stress of corporate business or the chaos of raising children, Greg often felt the need to numb himself, to check out, to float away, and he used alcohol to do that. There was so much pain, so much anger and so many lies in many years of our marriage. Somehow through Al-anon, and AA and inner changes within Greg, he was able to stop drinking and we slowly built back our love. Throughout it all, we both always felt a deep commitment to each other and together we survived. Greg was always very private so I struggled whether to speak to this side of our story but it is our story. Perhaps it even enriches our story to know the hurdles our love had to overcome.
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Let me share entries from my Greg file I found on my computer written in 2005-2010.
Describing Greg I wrote….
He is a person who carries a handkerchief, opens doors, changes clothes to go to the grocery store and cries in movies.
He is a morning person.
I think of him as “a sweater guy.” He looks very handsome in his sweaters. He takes care of his clothes and rarely loses things.
Greg will always be “a flyer.” He was in the Air Force and flew F-4 phantoms in the Vietnam War.. I could never tell Greg to “turn here” when he was driving as he would turn immediately into the field on our right! He forgets that he isn’t piloting an airplane!
Greg was a very focused careful driver. He didn’t like to talk or have the radio on. He felt a deep responsibility to keep his passengers safe and he didn’t want distractions.
Cooking is his great love, passion, and pleasure. He reads cookbooks in bed and always says he never has too many. He cares about the science of cooking and how things cook differently in different containers, in different humidity or if the food has been handled a lot. He is interested in the presentation of food as well. When I encouraged him to make dinner simple to make it easier on him, he said, “Please don’t take away my pleasure.”
As a father, Greg’s stated goal was to be able to pay for the college education of his sons, to give them the opportunity to attend any school in the country without considering cost. Any time there was a bonus, an Income Tax Refund, any kind of special windfall, we saved it. Our son, John graduated from Vanderbilt University in 2004 ….without college loans.
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I want to end by reading from a piece I wrote for Greg on our 25th wedding anniversary. It is a list of 25 reasons why I loved and appreciated him.
TO GREG ON OUR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
1. You have given me the greatest gift. You have allowed me to be me. I never felt you stifle the person I think I am or tried to be. Thank you for the daily respect you exhibited to me. I always felt that both publicly and privately.
2. You gave me the privilege of being a full-time mother. You worked hard day after day to fund our life even continuing to go to work when you were ill with lymphoma.
3. Together we brought two wonderful blond boys into this world.
4. You were willing to listen to the detailed stories of my day.
5. You accepted that dogs come with me…even if it meant sharing your bed with one.
6. You were willing to give up a part of your life to my family: Lala, Tony, Aunt Sally, Anne and Dwight. Living 2 miles from my parents for more than 15 years of our marriage was often draining and invasive.
7. I have always loved that you liked to dress up.
8. I will forever be appreciative of the wonderful muffins you baked for me. They helped to keep me in balance. They became such a wonderful tradition of our lives.
9. Thank you for making the coffee and emptying the dishwasher in the early morning. You don’t know the boost to my day that you gave me by doing that.
10. How appreciative I am of all the elegant dinners you made for me with their wonderful tastes, colors, and elegant presentation.
11. Thank you for letting me watch my Cubs games all those many nights.
12. You have always been tremendously generous to me with your hard earned dollars.
13. I have always been appreciative of how much space you have given me in the bed, in the bathroom, and in the closet.
14. You have always been so nice about how I look and appreciative of whatever meal I fixed for you.
15. When we have stayed at a hotel, you have always given me first choice on the side of the bed and the drawers in the dresser. You always gave me the seat with the best view in a restaurant.
16. You have accepted and encouraged my sports participation all these years, accepting my time away from you and the dollar costs involved.
17. You have been wonderful in the way you have been willing “to go along with my plan.” I have often worried that your needs weren’t met.
18. You have taught me so much about consideration for others and for things. I am a better person for it.
19. Thank you for so often being my encyclopedia, my reference book, my atlas. Your knowledge has greatly added to my life.
20. Thank you for taking care of our plants and our house and our cars. Without you, these things wouldn’t have received the care they needed. And thank you for all the Christmas decorating that you tackled annually on your own.
21. Thank you for your wonderful upbeat, non-complaining energy and your calm and logical thinking.
22. I have always appreciated how clean you are and your wonderful fresh soapy smell.
23. I greatly appreciate your promptness, your message taking ability, and your willingness to do little errands for me.
24. Thank you for broadening my perspective by helping me to see that there is “another side” to most issues and thank you for not letting me always “win” even when I am sure there were times when you would have preferred not to have had to battle with me just to get me to see your point.
25. Thank you for respecting my sleep and for kissing me goodbye each morning on your way out the door to work at some early hour when I was still tucked in bed.
I was well loved by this man. I will miss him and our life together.
Susan Eastman Tilsch
June 28, 2019
Christ Church
Charlotte, North Carolina
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Second Eulogy
Written and Delivered by John Eastman Tilsch, son
About My Father I Will Remember
About my father I will remember
A gentle man, an honest man
Content in the shadow of family
The entirety of his sunlight given
So that it was we who were seen
Amidst the trees
Reaching for the Heaven
About my father I will remember
A smile so pure
How could he ever harm a soul?
An ageless blonde
A reminder of my roots
His hair kept neat and trim
Tender dignity in his looks
And every time I saw him
He’d wear that tie I’d given twelve Christmas’s ago
Still without a stain,
not a wrinkle, or even a fray to sew.
About my father I will remember
A man who never walked with zealous speed
But who walked nonetheless
And The way he would honor an occasion
Taking pride in how he dressed
His best fitted coat paired with matching tie
A subtle show of expression
And a reminder to take a moment to honor
Our gathering in the night.
About my father I will remember
Ten books read for every few words said
His mind he’d share but only if requested
Even in a room full of wisdom seekers
He’d pause his story, look around and wonder
Don’t you have some place more important
That you would like to go to?
About my father I will remember
A man often misunderstood
A humble faith
A stoic conviction
He led a quiet life
Though not without affliction
In his dying days
I had my lucky chance
To leave no words unsaid
And forgive him for the past
Adversaries, he had none
just those who never tried to truly see him
Dad, I tell you now
I see. I see the depth of love in you.
I’d fight for him
He’d say “John, let it go. It doesn’t matter.”
He’d fight for us
While burying his horrors deep within the shadows
My mother, my brother and I
We were all that ever mattered.
About my father I will remember
Such a kind and humble soul
Whose time came too early
But said,” it’s okay to let me go.”
It not be because the pain he couldn’t bare
For he’d lived through war and tragedy
No. It was the fullness of his joy
That I just now had begun to see
An overwhelming pride he found
In the happiness of my mother and me
It was enough for him.
He said, “I’m lucky, you see?”
And now He had his other son, my brother
It be their holy time again to meet.
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