Sorry it has been such a long time since I've posted.  The last couple months were tough...physically recovering from the wound debridement and dealing with caring for an open wound that is taking it's grand old time to close (going on 11 weeks now)...but also emotionally...feeling disappointed in the complications.  Having to deal with the fact that the breast reconstruction failed....honestly just struggling with my body image and feeling ugly or deformed.  (Remember that post I wrote about the consolation prize...well sadly that prize was taken away).  Wondering if I made the right choice about radiation...second guessing myself.  

But as 2020 rolled in and we said bye bye to 2019, the word God kept putting on my mind was "contentment."  I was catching up with an old friend of mine and as we were catching up, I was telling her one year ago this January, I remember my 40th birthday creeping up on me, and just going through this mid-life crisis where I was asking myself if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing...as a doctor...as a mom...just as a human being.  I was wondering if I should change jobs...wondering if I should go back to school and change careers...and there was just such a restlessness in my soul about the future.  

However, now, one year later...that restlessness is completely gone.  I would say right now, though I do feel physically annoyed at this small little wound that won't close up and I feel sad sometimes when I look at the mirror and see my asymmetrical chest...that my spirit feels content.  

Instead of thinking about if I am missing out on a better job or better career or better purpose for the next 10+ years of my life, I am filled with just contentment and hope that I will get to live another YEAR of life.  I am filled with contentment for the job I have where I get to care for students from all over the world during a time of transition and get to be on the front line of screening for crazy viruses like the one from Wuhan.  I am content that as a mom, I am seeing my kids grow in maturity, compassion, and depth over the past year...not because of anything I did to teach them, but through the difficulties of the past year, God is teaching that to them in a myriad of ways.  I am filled with contentment that as a human being that even though there have been ugly aspects of humanity I have seen, I have also seen such beautiful aspects through the simple kindness of others.  

What made that change from "restlessness" to "contentment"?  The thing that everybody dreads and the word that no one wants to hear from their doctor...CANCER.  Yes, my cancer was the worst thing I thought could happen to me and my family...but it is through it I am finding true contentment.  I think I am understanding a little more why God's Word says that "contentment is great gain" (1 Timothy 6:6)...because it's not something you can just conjure up or pray hard enough for...but it is something that is a gift...a gain...from God...a gift that doesn't always come wrapped in a tidy and beautiful bow...but may come in a ragged torn bag...but is great because of the great God that gives us the grace to be made perfect and see ourselves as perfect and content even in that torn ragged bag because we are His and He is for us and with us. 

That by God's grace, I realize is true CONTENTMENT.  Thank you God!

Prayer requests:
- I am getting a second opinion from Northwestern Plastics Surgery in the next month to see what type of reconstruction I am eligible for considering the radiation damage and failed implant.  I don't plan to do any reconstruction for a year or so...needing a break from surgeries but would be good to get the information to start thinking ahead. 

- I am also praying...do I even want reconstruction?  Initially, I was worried about having no breasts after the bilateral mastectomies, but honestly, after having no breast on the right for 5 months, I have been getting used to it and I like the idea of some of the benefits of being flat...like not having to worry about sports bras to go running or exercise.  So should I just take out the right implant and be flat for a while.  I do hate being lopsided.  

- I have had my 6 month follow ups with my oncologists and am so far cancer free.  I am following a small nodule on my liver they found on a CT scan and am doing some urine testing for some small amount of blood they found.  Please pray that those follow ups in the next couple months go well.