Today is now January 26th.  I'm 41 days  in to my chemo treatments and just 2 days away from my 3rd infusion.  My daily devotional on this day says to strive to trust in God in more and more areas of my life.  "Anything that tends to make me anxious is a growth opportunity.  Instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have hidden in the difficulties."  I shouldn't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been.  "Start at the present moment- accepting things exactly how they are- and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances."  This devotional is almost exactly what I remind myself whenever I find myself starting to worry.  I have completely embraced my diagnosis and I'm so excited to start infusion #3 in just two days!  I ordered my fun t-shirt to wear under my cardigan and I have it all laid out already!  I first had it draped over a chair in the living room waiting to show Jason when he got home.  I thought the t-shirt was perfect happiness.  Jason came in the door and noticed it right away "pu pies".  I said "it says puppies".  He said "no it doesn't- and where did you get that shirt from"?  He then began to explain that the first "P" is yellow on purpose so you can't see it so the shirt is subliminal with the bright rainbow and says pu pies.  I showed him how the "E" is underlined which means a long "eeeeee" as in pup peeees.  We argued about this for at least 10 min.  Then I decided I'm making him wear the t-shirt on chemo day.  It will be tight on him and that will make it even better.  Jason grabbed my t-shirt and said he needed to wash it to get the toxins out of it because it probably came from China.  I'm pretty sure the chemo will kill any toxins! :)  He likes to wash everything.  I told him to wash it hot and put it in the dryer...the tighter the better for him. HA! He washes all the dogs toys every few days because he saw a Facebook ad about mouth bacteria in pets can kill them.  Poor Stu sits outside the dryer nervously waiting for his piggy and he can hear his little birdy peeping as it's flopped around in the dryer.  I haven't done laundry in over a year- he really is quite amazing.

The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory - Exodus15:2

As winter is progressing in such a lovely warm manner Jason and I decided we needed to start getting out of the house and making more memories.  We were actually arguing about what day it was because we hadn't left the house in so long.  Since I was feeling so good we decided our first adventure out was to Whitetail Woods park.  It was nice and close to home just in case I got too tired.  So there is some preparing whenever we go to a park...it's cupboard clean out day!  I get out a plastic Target bag and I purge everything that is opened in our cupboard that could possible be stale....chips, crackers, breads, fruits, or nuts, and a few things left over from Christmas.  Whenever berries and vegetables start going bad in my fridge I put them in a freezer bag and take them out on day we go to the park too.  My Target bag was overflowing- the bunnies were going to be eating good!!  Jason took out a backpack and we stuffed the Target snack bag in it so we didn't look too crazy.  I'm not sure we're supposed to be feeding the animals at the park but it's better than throwing it out in the garbage and plus....God told me in a dream to care for all animals. I found the perfect brush pile and as Jason ran up the hill to dump I made him stop 1/2 way to pose for a photo...then the ladies came walking up and he ran back down acting like he was just hiking.  He hid for a bit while they walked by and then he dumped the holy grail of bunny snacks.  We both walked away smiling at how happy the critters would be.  Then we thought next time we needed to place a trail cam up there so we could watch the party.   Since I'm so limited in what I can do right now I feel like I still have a purpose when I feed the animals.  We used to bring treats on our daily walk around our neighborhood pond.  Jason would throw the treats but then we would get in arguments because I would look back and see carrots and celery stems right next to the path.  He didn't throw them deep enough into the trees!  Neighbors would see it and for sure think I did it.  I've been called Snow White more times than I can count!  One day Jason really wanted to give the animals a treat and threw them a bunch of apples.  As we walked the pond we saw 3 little muskrats playing and bobbing the apple back and forth.  They're so  creepy on land with their rat like tails but when they play in the water they look really cute.  The following day on our walk we found one dead right where they were playing with the apple.  Jason exclaimed "Oh my gosh, do you think they choked on the apple?"  Since I love to tease, I told him I don't think muskrats are supposed to have fruit- it's not part of their natural diet.  The little guy was probably so hungry he ate the whole apple and died.  Jason sulked the whole way home and I know googled "what does a muskrat eat" as soon as her got in the door.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid - John 14:27

The day before round 2 I dropped by the hospital so they could draw blood.  They had to make sure my body was healthy enough for chemo once again.  I drove myself to the appointment this time because the appointment really did take 5 minutes....and Home Goods was just across the street! Everyone knows Home Goods trips are way better alone.  On the way to the bloodwork appointment I caught myself whistling to a song that was playing.  I had been totally daydreaming about how great it would be getting to Home Goods right when it opened then I realized the song that was playing.  It's by NONONO and its' called Pumpin' Blood.  It's a great workout song.  What are the chances out of all the songs that could have played it was this one...and I was whistling.   Just a week ago I was in Miesville snowshoeing with a friend.  During our scenic hike she was telling me that her son learned how to whistle and it made her so happy to hear him whistling in the house.  You always worry if your kids are happy and studies show when you are whistling you are happy!  I am happy.

Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray.  Is anyone happy? Let them sing the song of praise. -James 5:13

As soon as I saw the blood work results pop up in my chart on the evening of Wednesday, January 6th I called my friend that is now in remission and I asked what exactly I was looking for.   What does my doctor look for to allow me to have the chemo treatment the next day.  Jill informed me I needed to look at my absolute neutrophil.  It needed to be at 1.6 - 8.3.  I was right at 4.5.  My white blood count is at 5.8 (safe 4-11).  My red blood cell count is 4.15 (safe 3.8-5.2). My levels AFTER my first chemo infusion are better than where I started!  I had no doubt my body was healthy enough for my second infusion but Jason likes facts.  I showed him the levels and he began packing my cooler and organizing my backpack for round 2!  Jason triple checked my bag and cooler and placed them by the door.  He set out 4 bottles of water, a note reminding us to pick up the dry ice, and the car keys on the counter and we we off to bed.  Jason fell asleep within 2 minutes and I stayed up to stream the last couple episodes of "Bridgerton" on Netflix.  Ok, maybe it was the last 5 episodes but they went quickly.  The last episode of the season ended and I was so angry it was over and there wasn't another season.  Then I began daydreaming about finishing our basement and making my very own "Den of Inequity".  It was now 11:30pm and I was so mad there wasn't a season 2 so I turned on Forensic Files.  Peter Thomas's voice me right to sleep....who needs Ativan.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you. -Psalm 55:22

Thursday morning arrived and I felt wide awake and ready.  I slept amazing letting God take away my fears and worry.  Sometimes I wonder why its so easy for me not to worry - but I know when you talk to God all day every day there is nothing left to worry!  Just how if you have something on your mind it feels good to tell someone....my someone is God first.  The funny stuff and especially Jasonisms' I like to share because they are what keep me laughing.   We arrived right on time to McGowan Ice.  I was all tense because Jason had Rush Limbaugh on the whole ride and was updating me on all the politics I was trying to avoid.  I told him that Jessica had nice soothing, calm, Christian music on for me.  No response.  They had my dry ice ready for me at 7am sharp.  When I talk to the owner all I can do is try to figure out what kind of treats or care package I can put together for my last treatment.  He is giving me such a discount and I just think its so awesome he does this for all cancer patients.  Meeting people like this man make me so happy.   We live in a world that continually shatters our peace.  Last year was especially devastating for so many.  This year I'm awaking my mind to even more compassion.  I've had a life altering diagnosis, medical bills, 3 crazy dogs, uncertainty with Jason's retirement yet it's not as bad as what so many other people are experiencing t the very same time.  It's not easy to find peace when life seems out to get us.  I look to God for my peace everyday.  He restores my mind and body and give me hope.  When I meet wonderfully kind people like the McGowan owner I walk away and ask God to watch over them and keep them safe.  We need people to show more compassion and kindness more than ever....every text, every stroke in an email, every conversation.  

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you  -Ephesians 4:31-21

We arrived at the hospital and I was bummed they tucked us back in a corner room.  Nobody puts baby in the corner!  No window, no parking lot view, no sunlight, but Jason was happy we had a TV.  I must have been really nervous my first time because I don't remember if I even had a TV!  Jason had everything set up in our room within minutes and my cap was on and so was some political debate on the TV.  The nurse came in to hook up my IV (the worst part) and as she was trying to find my vein she explains that the hospital got new IVs that had really long needles.  They were harder to get in when veins were small.  GULP.  I was staring at the wall and the paint began flowing back and forth like the ocean.  My chest was getting hot as I felt the nurse rubbing my arm trying to heat it up.   The nurse last time popped it right in why was she having so much trouble.  Panic began to set in as the 2nd nurse wasn't able to find a vein either.  They explained that chemo shrinks the veins so that is why a lot of people use a port.  Not a chance I was getting a port for only 4 infusions!  The whole time the nurses were working on me I was staring at the wall getting hotter and more lightheaded.  The 3rd nurse came in with a heating pad to warm up my arm.  The warmth felt good and I made a decision to breathe deeply and I asked God to please let this nurse be successful.  Just then she began tapping my arm trying to get my vein to pop.  She finally was able to get the IV with some wiggling.  It did not feel good and I might have been crying a little.  Then Jason said "oh you should have seen her wiggling it around in your arm trying to find the vein".   My ears began ringing and I might have cried more.  Where was Jessica when I needed her?  I missed hearing her say "Siri, set the timer for 18 min then look at me with her bright cheerful smile as she took a breather before we needed the next cold cap.  

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control - 2 Timothy 1:7

Pre-chemo anti nausea drugs were in, cold cap was on for 1 hour prior to chemo so I was ready!  Jason and I took out the champagne glasses and tapped glasses before drinking our orange flavored vitamin water.  We pretended it was mimosas!  The Taxotere didn't burn this time and before we knew it I was ready for the Cytoxan (my collagen plumper!).  I could see Jason's hands shaking as he was shooting the laser thermometer at all the cap panels making sure they were all within the -28 to -30 range.  He had been putting the cap on me so tight but he said he wanted to make sure it was worth it.  If we're paying thousands to use the cap he wanted to make sure it worked.  He also didn't want to be responsible for the cap not working and my hair falling out.   When he told me that I had to giggle. I would never blame him and if my hair falls out I'll be totally fine because at least I know we tried.  Well, I say that now but we'll see.  I'll deal with that emotion if I need to later.  As we sat waiting for the last of my collagen plumper we texted Elizabeth to let her know timing for our drop in to her work to change out the cap.  They had started my chemo a little earlier so it was only 11am and I was already done!  About 15min into my chemo we realized we forgot to ice my feet.  My doctor initially said I would not have neuropathy with the drugs I was receiving.  I did start getting neuropathy after the first round so I should have been icing both my hands and feet for precaution.  Round 3 we will not forget!  We changed out my cap for the last time at the hospital and the nurse popped on my Neulasta pro patch.  Jason ran down the stairwell to grab the car and I rolled the cooler and my bags to the elevator.  By the time I reached the curb Jason pulled  up.  He grabbed the cooler and SNAP!  The handle broke.  He looked at me like the whole day was destroyed.  We lifted the cooler into the car and I thanked God that my husband was so strong he broke the handle right off the cooler!  The whole way home I could tell Jason couldn't wait to get home to order a new handle.  I was just dreaming about Taco Bell and a Diet Coke...eat healthy, eat healthy, eat healthy.

I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken -Psalm 16:8

I plopped on the couch and my Neulasta patch snagged on the pillow and I thought I was going to faint.  I had goosebumps everywhere imagining the IV inside of it was ripping out of my skin.  I checked it in the mirror and realized the green light was still on so it was still just fine.  The nurse placed the patch on the back of my bicep which was a bad location.  Every time I sat down it hit the couch or pillow.  The first nurse had placed it on the outside of my bicep so when I laid in bed nothing touched it.  I right away texted myself a reminder for next time.  Neighbors had made us Olive Garden Zuppa Toscana soup so Jason poured me a big bowl.  It was the most delicious soup I've ever had.  How had I never even heard of this soup before?!  During Covid my neighbor's daughter had been practicing new recipes, baking, and making breads.  She made us an amazing homemade bread to have with the soup.  The way to Jason's heart is definitely fresh homemade bread! He couldn't stop eating it.  We prayed over our dinner and how thankful we were to have so many people helping us through this battle.  It's not only a battle for my body it is a battle for our minds.  Each day we don't know how my body will respond.  I keep saying I'm "great" "I feel 100%".  I really do feel great but there are quirky things that keep happening.  They are a reminder that I'm not 100% and I need to give my body the grace it deserves.  It's healing and I can't expect to be 100%.

God is greater than the highs and the lows - John 16:33

After round 2 I'm definitely more tired.  I'm still taking Claritin to block the bone pain.  At exactly 7 days in the spasms started in my low back.  The spasms felt like zaps to my nerves on the surface of my skin.  By day 8 the spasms moved to my rib cage area.  It felt like being shocked by a dog shock collar on a 1.  Every time I would run up the stairs or when my heart rate got faster I would feel the shocks.  If I bent over and held my rib cage really tight it felt a lot better.  It was weird how it was just on the surface of my skin.... I think that made it more tolerable.  On day 8 I woke up and on the top of both hands there was a red itchy rash and hives.  I thought for sure the spasms and rash were from the Nuelasta pro patch.  They told me the medicine from the patch peaks from day 7-10 and that is when reactions were more likely to happen.  I wasn't having the jaw pain this time so I wasn't surprised to have a different reaction.  The rash went away after two days but my skin felt scaly and weird on both hands.  I kept putting lotion on it and tried to think of every possible thing I touched within the last 24 hours that could have given me hives.   A dog I pet at the neighbors, the kiwi or grapefruit I ate?  Then it came to me.....I had cleaned out my lotion bin and there was an old bottle of Strivectin for wrinkles.  It had been expensive so I didn't want to throw it out so of course I used it on my hands. If it was super old I didn't want to use it on my face in case it did cause a breakout or rash!  Overthinking is something I rarely do.  After spending an entire day trying to figure out what had cause the rash I let it go.  I will probably never know what caused it and it went away in 2 days so who cares!  There are way worse things that could be happening! Like my hair or teeth falling out!

Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you -Peter 5:7

My teeth falling out was a dream I had one night.  In the morning after I delicately brushed my teeth and flossed I called my dentist at Valley Oaks Dental in Apple Valley.  I asked the receptionist if I could email Dr. Navarro a question.  She asked what my concerns were and noted he was in the office.  I really didn't want to bother her with my concerns so I just told her I was receiving chemo and I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything special I needed to be doing to protect my gums and teeth.  Within a minute she had Dr. Navarro on the phone.  He was reassuring the chemo treatment I was receiving would not be harmful to my teeth or gums.  I would just need to keep up with my normal cleaning routine.  If I end up needing radiation then I would need to call him back with the radiation treatment plan.  If the radiation would be all over my entire body then that is when I could potentially have damage.  After I hung up I thanked God for another amazing doctor on my team.  I'm so thankful for the knowledge, patience, and care I received from Dr. Navarro.  I'm thankful there are students that decide they want to spend their entire career devoted to working on dirty stinky mouths!!  My mouth is clean but Dr. Navarro's assistant told me one time that 85% of the mouths are not pretty!

Be prepared in season and out of season -2 Timothy 4:2

Right after my first infusion I started researching more ideas for hair care.  My doctor approved 10,000mcg of biotin per day so I've been taking that since before chemo.  The cold capping went great so I wanted to ensure I was being very cautious with my hair cleansing routine.  First step in researching best products...AMAZON.  Within seconds I found over 28,244 reviews on PURA D'OR Gold Label Anti-thinning Biotin Shampoo and Conditioner with Argon oil, Nettle extract, Red Seaweed and a few other organic things that sounded like they would make my hair luxuriously soft and beautiful.  A friend had great results using Ovation cell therapy so she gave me a bottle to try as well.  Since I'm not supposed to be blow drying or heat styling my routine has just been to wash with my biotin shampoo, let the Ovation cell therapy soak on my scalp for 5 minutes, then end with a biotin conditioner.   

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus - Philippians 4:6-7

I was late night googling more hair tricks to keep my scalp and hair healthy.  I came across an essential oil site that talked about the benefits of Rosemary.  Rosemary is known to promote hair growth and reduce hair loss!  It's also used to treat alopecia.  Bingo! A friend in my wine club uses essential oils!  I texted her right away asking her if I should be believing what I'm reading.  The next day on my doorstep she graciously placed a spray bottle of her miracle hair growth concoction: 4 drops each of rosemary, thyme, lavender, cedarwood, and 2 drops of frankincense.  I was so excited to try it but I had just washed my hair that day. I'm only washing my hair twice a week so I was so torn...greasy day 1 hair or do I wait to try it for two more days.  I ran up to the bathroom and began lightly spraying my roots and dabbing it in to my part line.  I can easily cancel all plans for 2 days so no one sees me.  Let me check my schedule....oh, yeah, I don't have any plans it's still Covid.  I couldn't wait to see what Jason says about my new frankincensual scent. Ha!  I heard him start to walk up the stairs and then I heard a yell "who pooped!".  Why does it always have to be about poop?  I walked out of the bedroom and he asked me again "where did they poop?".  They?  I asked "When is the last time the dogs pooped in the house? ".  He asked again: "What are you covering up? You sprayed poop spray." Ummmmm, no I didn't.  It's my new hair serum and I'm not washing my hair for two days soooo.... That night I slept so soundly!  Not one dog climbing on or over me or trying to lay on my pillow.  They avoided me completely due to my scent and I was very ok with this!!

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice!  Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace.  And the God of love and peace will be with you. -2 Corinthians 13:11

The greatest thing about Jason throughout this journey so far is the fact that I know I'm irritating him to the point of complete OCD overload but he has been so kind, compassionate, and completely spoiling me.  I can still hear him swear when he walks downstairs to sort baseball cards but he's not swearing in front of me so I don't think it counts.  I have been taking Epsom salts baths daily so he always runs up to start my bath water.  He sets out 2 large towels and a bunch of hand towels for my neck and hands.  He lights a candle, turns on the fan for background noise, brings in my blue tooth speaker, dims the lights, and makes sure I have a full bottle of water.  I know exactly what he's doing.  He preps it super nice so I soak and listen to a podcast for an hour so he can have complete solitude in his room looking at baseball cards!  I'm preoccupied for an hour and the dogs don't move off my bed waiting for me so he has free time all to himself.  I have a feeling when we retire he will still be drawing my bath just the same way.  There's an agenda but I also know he loves me.  We went to church together for the first time in a long time.  We wore masks and everyone there was spaced at least 6 seats apart. I felt like I needed to be there in person to feel the music through my body.  To worship in God's house and be surrounded by all the love.  The sermon talked about committing to a Christ centered marriage.  When married couples pray together less than 1% divorce.  And less than 8% couples pray together.  It was sad statistics to hear but I knew the numbers were real.  I've written a lot more about Jason as my journaling has continued.  We are together 24/7 if I didn't write about him my journal would be very boring!  We have been praying together multiple times a day.  We pray over the meals our friends bring to us, we pray over friends helping us shovel our driveway, we pray thanks over all the compassion and kindness that has been given to us so unconditionally.  Our pastor was talking about how marriage is not easy in a world of chaos we need each other.  Life is hard enough we need peace at home.  We need to strive to let the little stuff go and just love each other and accept each other as we are...whether we see differences as faults, quirks, whatever it is just accept it.  It's what makes us different and essentially it's who we are.   After church Jason ran straight up to our bathroom and started doing laundry.  I knew he listened to our pastor and I knew exactly what he was doing.  I have a horrible habit of throwing my clothes into the tub when I shower because if I don't I know Stewie will drag my clothes under the bed and make a nest out of it.  I know Jason is irritated with clothes in the tub.  He complains every day and he even showed me it's only 10 steps to throw my clothes in the laundry room.  Since then I count allowed the 10 steps as I bring my clothes to the laundry room.

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification - Romans 14-19

I'm now on day 41 since my first infusion and I haven't had any hair shedding.  Praise Be! Wait, Praise God!! Recently, the hair loss scare has been on my mind a lot.  Most cancer survivors I spoke to started shedding some hair at day 14 or day 20-25 for sure.  I had surpassed the big dates!  I still feel like some days I'm a lady in waiting...  I do know that I haven't lost my appetite and a lot of my taste buds.  I haven't quite moved up a size but I know I've been losing muscle and gaining fat.  As I was showering Jason walked in and yelled "bubble belly!!" and pointed through the glass at my belly.  "Ummm, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"  "You have a bubble belly just like me" then he proceeded to push out his Coors Light belly and rub it.  He had gotten back from playing cards at a neighbors and thought he was being funny.  There is nothing funny about "bubble belly".  I told him he was pointing at my "chemo belly".....which I knew was actually water weight and maybe a bag of dill pickle chip belly.  Since he was tispy I let it slide and wondered if he would remember the next day.  If not, I would remind him.  The next morning I did remind him and he asked Alexa "Alexus" -no response.  "ALEXUS!" - no response.  He then explains she only listens to us when we are whispering about politics.  I explained her name was "AlexA".  He askes "Alexa, why is my wife so mean to me?"  Alexa: "Maybe you should buy her gifts but make sure to buy her gifts even when its not a holiday.   Valentines Day is also coming up so make sure to buy something special.  That should make her happy".  HA!  Thank you Alexa!!! I'm so thankful for technology.  Did you know that you can actually track on your phone what people in your house have asked Alexa?  A friend was over and over a glass of wine she was showing me what her parents asked Alexa while they were staying at her house.  It was all boring stuff but then I couldn't wait for her to show me how to get into my Alexa memory.  Jason doesn't use Alexa that often because he doesn't remember her name but there were a few things saved: "Alexa, play a fart", "Alexa, play a juicy fart".  Yep, that was Jason and I have no doubt he was by himself laughing.

After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church- Ephesians 5:29

Each morning as I awake I wiggle my toes wondering if the numbness has left.  The only toes that aren't numb are my big toes.  I've heard the neuropathy can stay for years or maybe never go away.    I'm not worrying about it never going away at this point because I know God will take care of me.  When I was younger while babysitting I would play with the little kids toes and say "this little piggy went to Target, this little piggy went to Macy's, this little piggy went to Taco Bell."  Well, my little piggies aren't going anywhere for now!  I read online that people rubbed Vicks on their toes to help with the pain.  I remember my mom rubbing it all over my chest and neck and making me wear this green wool scarf to bed.  Looking back all of us kids used that scarf and I don't ever remember her washing it because it was wool.  HA!  I'm going to tell Jason about that scarf for sure.  He will be so grossed out.  I just realized after being with him since 2011 that he will never drink from the same glass as me and if I use his chapstick it ends up in my purse and he won't use it again.  I tried the Vicks all over my toes last night and Jason made me wear a pair of his wool socks.  I woke up and felt like my toes were less numb but I did a lot of things differently yesterday so I'm not sure what actually made the difference.  Jason and I worked out at Lifetime...well, I shopped in the pro shop for 20 min before my workout, worked out, then we went out for bloody marys and lunch.  So it wasn't quite a rigorous workout.  Jason has been reminding me every month when the Peleton bill comes out of our account so I was feeling extra guilty and jumped on the Peloton too to ride with a neighbor.  I was on a Movie ride which was music from a bunch of different musicals.  I had it blaring and Jason kept yelling up the stairs to "change the channel".  He wasn't a fan of "When you are good to mama, mama's good to yoooooooooou".  He also doesn't realize there aren't "channels" on the Peloton.  I've seen him ride it- he refuses to use the shoes because they are too hard to snap in.  I hope he knows he has to turn the bike on!

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need - Hebrews 4:16

I'm so thankful that I have the energy to workout now.  I have been pretty tired after round 2.  I went hiking and snowshoeing but they were short trips and I napped hard when I got home.  I feel 100% but then when I get done doing something my mind and body are very tired.  I woke up after napping one day and all 3 dogs were inches from my face staring at me.  They were so confused I was napping in the middle of the day.  I feel like I'm not bothered by the chemo but as I walk around the house I keep grabbing my belly and rubbing it. I'm bothered by this extra roll.   No wonder pregnant women are always touching their belly.  I'm obsessed with my food belly!  Well, I can call it a food belly but Jason can't! 😆 As I watch TV I even grab it.  I'm not having any fear of this poison running through my blood but I'm obsessed with this roll of fat!  During my biweekly prayer group I asked my friends to pray over this body image fear I was having.  I've had the same body since high school and not only was I gaining a belly my face looks so tired....and I'm not even going to comment on my unbrushed hair.  The prayer group was great about asking God to help me focus on my health and in healing allow my body to restore itself.  My body needs the extra calories right now for strength.  I needed to give myself grace during this time and keep the fight against the cancer and not myself.  The night of the prayer group I let go of the body shaming I was doing to myself.  I did let it go and now when I go into my bloodwork appointment tomorrow morning I'm not going to worry if they need to weigh me.  I'm resisting the urge to make it happen on my own.  I'm waiting on the One who makes everything beautiful in it's time.  I replacing my worry with trusting, panic with prayer and frustration with faith.  

He has made everything beautiful in it's time- Ecclesiastes 3:11

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Today's recap and prayers that are needed: I'm ready for my next infusion!

-Tomorrow bloodwork- please pray all my levels are healthy so I can move forward with chemo

-Thursday, Jan 28th- Chemo infusion #3!- please pray for another smooth Cold Cap experience and infusion. Pray my veins are strong and bubbly for the IV to pop right in!

-Pray for my continued strength and healing!

-Please pray for my confidence and giving myself grace as my body fights for it's life 

-Pray for Jason and his healing as he continues to regain strength in his left shoulder after rotator cuff surgery