Tonight I find myself in a very stressful haze. I finished my shift at my restaurant in la and saw a text from my girlfriend up in Portland. She was in the hospital due to apparently pretty bad blood loss. Portland is my home and the only reason I was down in la was because I was helping my grandfather who was experiencing a medical emergency of his own. I felt so lost and so small that night. My mind was intertwingling itself around 475,000 other gregarious life issues. What was going on with my grandfather was very scary and I needed to be down in la to be with him. But then getting a text from my girlfriend up in Portland at 10:27PM telling me she had admitted herself into the hospital due to a blood loss issue. I knew exactly at that moment what had happened to her. Hypovolemia can be caused by multiple different negative ailments.  But I knew exactly what was going on for her before she told me everything. 

I wanted so many things all at once. That one moment when I read her text flashed before my eyes like I had never thought any moment could. I wanted to be with her at the hospital in Portland. Sitting with her and stroking her soft beautiful hair, telling her that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be with my grandfather, holding his hand and enjoying a moment with him for what could likely be one of his last. I wanted to be at my friends house in Seattle. He was having a get together that same night and I wanted to attend. I wanted to be working with autistic kids, up in Beaverton. With my car right there, and my personal assets standing by like a military man fresh into the army. I wanted to be in my moms arms, crying my eyes out.  Letting go of all the stress and of all the complexities I had crammed in my extraordinary noggin. I wanted to be a little kid again, and not have any worries about anything other then getting to draw with the blue chalk. 

I was at such a stressful point tonight I couldn't even tell what path I was destined to go down. I could tell my body was so tired. I could tell I really needed rest. I hadn't slept very well the last few nights either, so a good night of sleep was defiantly what I needed. But I was so stressed with everything going on for me that when the clock struck 1:08AM it just made me feel even more insignificant and even more small. There was literally nothing I could do at this particular hour other then get some well needed rest. My grandfather was in a hospital, no one knew the likelihood of his recovery. Then my girlfriend who I loved totally totally was all the way up in Portland in a different hospital and I couldn't be with her either.  I was exhausted. I was scared. I was tired. I needed help.  

I had gone to the gym a few days earlier and overworked myself like I do most of the time. I did 135 reps at 40lbs each. Biceps, triceps, abs, treadmill, crunchers. So my body was so sore. My body was sore, my mind was tired and I knew I needed help. 

I had always been a good kid, growing up I mean. I would attend yoga practice, I would run a lot and I was honestly just a generally active happy kid. I would give anything to have one more day of just being normal. Life is such a crazy thing, its very precious don't get me wrong, but its crazy in all imaginable ways.