Exactly five years ago today. That's when I came to this site and announced my breast cancer diagnosis to the world. To say I was petrified, dumbfounded and confused are understatements. I had just turned 47 a few days previous and the bottom seemed to have fallen out without warning.  I had no idea what was in store for me and I'm so glad I didn't because, friends, it was a shit show. If you read any part of this blog, you may agree.

I often think if there were a narrator of my life who would have given me a preview of what was to come for my 47th trip around the sun and beyond, I surely would not have been able to cope, or even breathe. I'd just collapse in a heap of anxiety weighted down by the inevitable pain, fear and heartache that was to come.

I always imagine this narrator to be a flippant young woman trying to emulate Jonathan from Queer Eye. She would just show up out of nowhere eating froyo with manicured nails, skinny jeans, super cute boots, a cropped jacket in mustard yellow and really good hair.

She'd say something like:

"Oh, hey girl! Happy 4-7! I have some deets for you on that five year plan you never seem to be able to figure out. I thought I'd give you a sneak peak in case the question ever came up again in a job interview.

Ok, here's the sitch. Honey, you better sit down.

In exactly five days from today, your birthday... breast cancer diagnosis. BAM! Seriously. I know, right? Btw, you will not take it well. The initial pathology comes back super good though- ER/PR+/HER2- . Probably a lumpectomy and a bit of radiation is all the action you'll see.

So the doctors think.

Turns out, your BC lump will be almost 6cm so it's double mastectomy-time for you, girlfriend. Can you believe? Then complications galore after that. A trip to the ER in the middle of the night because of a 104 degree temp that came out of nowhere.  A suspected infection on your "good side", an overnight stay in the hospital because the oral antibiotics tried to rip your guts out. And you get a pic line with an antibiotic coursing through your veins that could rival napalm. Yikes!

From there, another surgery just over a month after your mastectomy. They'll need to replace your implant with a smaller "baby sitter" one because the skin where the suspected infection is starts to break apart and needs to be removed. You'll be completely lopsided for 3/4's of 2016. Awkward for sure. No chemo for you though, so yay! 

Then, honey, I'm sorry to say, your Mom is going to pass away. Like, totally dead six-months after you find out about the BC. Bitch, no one will see that one coming.  Messed up AF. You get back in town from her funeral and immediately start 28-days of aggressive radiation treatment. Can you say blow torch? You get 2nd and 3rd degree burns all the places you get zapped with radiation!  I'm not gonna lie, that shit is going to be nasty. 

Reconstruction surgeries #2, #3 and #4  are in 2016. Surgery #5 in 2017. Surgery #6 in 2018. FYI, the hormone blocker you take will mess with your uterus so partial hysterectomy in 2019.  Btw, all those reconstruction surgeries totally pay off- you'll seriously have a million dollar rack!  And it's not too shabby-- all the doctors say so!

Oh,  and in 2020, global pandemic.  Dude, seriously. You can't make this shit up.  

So what do you have planned for your birthday?"

As messed up as all of this sounds, I still consider myself so fortunate. I'm a survivor. Breast cancer changed the course of my life in the most profound way. I reevaluated and restructured. I took inventory and started a trek toward the best and realest version of myself. I was stripped down to raw emotion and fear then was reconstructed on a foundation of pure will. And I like what I see. I am a fighter and I garner strength from the woman I've become. My power comes from being able to thrive despite the trials laid before me.

Breast cancer did not and does not define me. My husband and son have been pillars of strength for me- especially in my darkest moments. My Mom instilled in me a strong will and a scrappiness to survive.

Within the darkness, I found grace and I found wisdom. I know big things are happening for me. Slowly but surely, I'm embracing this wild ride and creating the life I've always dreamed of. I'm not always calm- not by a long shot- but I do have comfort knowing that I'm a mother fucking warrior.  

So here's to five years! Here's to many, many more!